I’m 20 years old and I know I should be doing something better than typing a love letter but I need this and this is my first and probably my last. I need to get this off my chest.
Where do I begin ? I’ve known you for four years now and I still haven’t figured you out. I remember the very first look we exchanged, your hazely green-ish eyes shook my heart a little bit but I knew better than to crush on you. I brushed off the thought of your cute face and the expression of surprise you put on when you knew you missed the french class of that morning. I was … I still am, a woman who keeps her feelings of love crumbled up in her heart, a woman who pushed the thought of loving someone away. For four complete years I’ve held our relationship as a really well built friendship from one side … and that’s my side. I’ve always thought good of you, I always tell people there’s more into you, that you have a really soft spot a good heart they never knew about as if I knew it, but I don’t. that doesn’t keep me from believing in you.
People told me you were a jerk, a play boy, backbiting asshole, people told me you are everything bad in one person. they said I deserve better even in friendship. but I always replied ” you don’t know him like I do”. It’s honestly such a cliché when I think of it, you always fall for the one guy you never thought you’d fall for. we fight for months and then I’m always the one to make a first step. I’m always the first to say sorry. In normal life, girls get mad when you leave them a “seen” when you say ” ok” or send a stupid pale yellow smiley, but I never did. because I’m not like the other girls and this might be coming from every other girls because every freaking person is different in their own way. I tolerate the small talk, I enjoy the real talk when we discuss politic even though none of us know anything about what’s happening in this country, I love it when we engage in a serious conversation about an actual topic even if we’re on different sides. I love it when you start fetching for arguments to convince me, yet I’m not convinced. I love the 4 am moment when you crack up and tell me about your feelings for another girl, when you tell me about your dreams and how you want to achieve them, I support you all the way. I never get tired of your hesitation knowing that If it was another person I sincerely would give a damn what they hesitate about and wouldn’t waste my time helping them decide. the times you text me at 11 pm when I’m exhausted and just about to sleep, I don’t even hesitate to push my self for one more hour to talk to you, I don’t do that for any person. I don’t do that to anyone. for 2 years now, people have been bothering me about us, I say we’re just really close friends knowing that you don’t even think of me as a friend and people say that it’s love from one side. I guess it’s my side, or at least people have tricked me into believing this.
I’m a perfectionist about what I like. it doesn’t necessarily included myself or my looks. I may act like a tom boy but in my heart I know I’m a fragile girl, I seem tough on the outside but I’m so faking it. I say I don’t like romance related think but god knows how many romantic thoughts have passed my brain this year. for the three first years I swear I thought of you as a friend only, but lately this last year, the only person in my brain is you. when I wake up ! when I sleep ! when I study! it’s driving me crazy. I won’t ever confess my feelings for you to anyone. that, I know I won’t do but stop loving you. I don’t know. whenever my friends ask me what I think of you I say ” I really care about him and I love him as a friend ” and it kills me when you make fun of my feet, when you dislike my outfits even though I know it’s just to bug me but it still kills me and I think of that one time three years ago when you told me you love her and that talking to her is like talking to an angel. I never asked you about it again because it would torture me to know you love her more than the suspense I’m already in. I love it when you give me advice about how to dress like a girl. I love when you give me a sincere advice and just show me care at times it warms up my heart.
I can go on and on about the things I love about you and the things I get hurt when you do but I don’t think I hate something about you. the things I don’t necessarily find pleasing I remind myself that we all have flaws.
the one thing that I sincerely hate 🙂 is that I look nothing like your type of girl according to what you told me and it makes me feel I have no chance, no I know I have no chance, that’s why I writing this. know that loving you will never let me let down my guard, I don’t dare and I appreciate this about me. I’ve never loved anyone. and just thinking that I might love you hurts me because I know the things I most admire always are taken away from me 🙂 I cried for you, I prayed for you, I stood by you. all I’m asking is for you to make the first step this time while knowing deep inside that you are not the one to say sorry and not the one to let down their guard.
I accept you and love you for who you are, I don’t necessarily need you but life would have a better taste with you. I want you to love like I do. If I had to choose who to finish my life with you, I would choose you. I always choose you.