• i know

    by  • October 17, 2016 • To You • 0 Comments

    i know i fall too hard too fast
    i know this probably shouldn’t have been such a big deal in the first place
    i know you’re the one who was wrong
    i know you’re the one being painfully immature now
    i know there’s nothing i can do at this point
    i know i should just get over it and move on because you’re not worth my time
    i know i shouldn’t compare myself to her
    i know i’m better than her anyway (smarter, equally as pretty, from the looks of it definitely more mature.. but that may be the problem, too fucking mature for you)

    i know that it’s ridiculous to think you’ll come around and talk to me at this point
    i know you can’t avoid me like this forever
    i know you’re the one who’s making things weird, not me – and our friends know it too

    but i can’t stop hoping that everything will work out and we still have some sort of a chance because if you could really grow up and be able to handle a conversation (i don’t even think this is a severe confrontation, i’m surprisingly empathetic and understanding. i’m not going to yell at you, just talk about why i’m hurt and confused and i can respect honesty more than anything. if you’re open with me, i’ll get over it)

    i trusted you a lot and i liked you a lot and you knew that. i told you that.

    i can’t help but keep thinking on how things could have been different.

    What if we had met sooner? literally my close friends are your close friends. i don’t understand how we went this long without interacting, and suddenly our lives feel so intertwined. you can never come over to hang out after sober driving your friends home because i live here. one of us can’t hang out at her place when she invites people over on wednesdays, or when she has us over after class.

    but like what if i had joined that organization? i always wanted to and i don’t know why i didn’t. what if we had gotten close then?
    what if i hadn’t gone abroad, and we had taken that class together? would we have met over labs?
    what if i had even talked to you about us and being exclusive just a few days before? what if i had asked you out on an actual date?

    i’m just thinking about how life is full of so many choices and i’ve made mine as far as what to get involved in and who to hang out with and taking a semester away and i know you can’t have it all and i know these are the right decisions for me but i also can’t help but wonder if anything would have changed

    i guess at least this gave me the opportunity to work on my whole ‘opening up’ and ‘sharing feelings’ thing rather than bottling it up.

    i’m kinda sad i wish i was crying w/ my best friend right now instea dof alone. i was just thinking about how it’s weird i haven’t actually cried about this so much but today feelings are just really catching up with me and i know i need to cry and i am crying and i don’t know i just wish i was with the friend i talk to about everything and the friend that is also close w/ him and is super helpful in this situation

    this is also making me realize i need to spend more time with my friends. taking ‘no new friends’ to a whole new level and actually investing time into the ones i already have because i really do love and care about them and that’s another thing i’ve been thinking about is that if i hadn’t gone abroad or if i had chosen to live in would it have been different? would i have been closer to that group of friendS? i feel like two of them kind of came out of nowhere and now everyone is so close and i feel so distant and i hate that i just feel out of the loop on everything

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