• Delusion, my best friend

    by  • October 17, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 6 Comments

    Can you be crazy if you know that the things you believe in aren’t real? Does that awareness make you not crazy? What if you’ve made a conscious choice to believe in those false ideals because its the only thing that makes you happy?

    The person I love, I’ve loved for years. I don’t think my person could’ve made it more clear they didn’t love me back. They started a life with someone else a long time ago. They wont talk to me. They blocked my number and my social media. I haven’t seen my person in more than a year. And yet, there are these things that happened years ago, that made me believe they loved me, and I’ve held onto them ever since. Like “they’re just waiting for the right moment” or “they’re testing to make sure my love is real” and “eventually, by some miracle, you’ll be together, forever”.

    I don’t talk to anyone irl about any of this. I’ve tried, in small doses. When they tell me something contrary to what I want to hear, I get angry and cut them out. So I don’t talk about it anymore. I don’t talk about this place. I don’t talk about all the letters I’ve written here. I suppose I could talk to someone, professionally, but honestly I don’t really see the point. I know what they’ll say. I know what all this looks like.

    And I know that its not healthy. Leaving my mind and spirit in this fantasy world I’ve created while my body wanders aimlessly to work and back home. The truth is, my life probably started stalling out a long time ago. I mean I’ve accomplished things, some people would say great things, but none of it means anything to me. None of it makes me happy. For a period of time though, from the time I met my person til the time they cut me out of their life for good, I was happy. Happier than I’ve ever been. Sure there was a lot of heartbreak along that road, but just being around them, I cant even describe the way it made me feel. They understood me, they really did, in a way no one ever has. Not my friends, not my parents, no one. Even now after everything its impossible for me to look back and say they didn’t at least care for me to some degree. Maybe it was just being nice, a consolation prize in lieu of unreturnable love. I guess Ill never know. Since my person left my life, no one I’ve met has made me feel anywhere near the same. They say you get one shot at love in life. My tragedy then is falling for someone who couldn’t love me because the way I was born. My gender, specifically. Something I have no control over. And while I doubt they ever think about me, or that if they do it is most likely with dismissive loathing, I have chosen to think of them ever single day. Because thinking about the way they made me feel brings back some of that old happiness. I know Im playing games with my own mind, dangerous games that will likely do more damage than good in the long run. But the alternative is facing the relative nothingness of my existence and accepting that I can never have the only thing I ever wanted more than anything else. I cant do that, Im not strong enough.

    So here I am. Am I crazy? You can be the judge. Frankly, I just don’t care.

    6 Responses to Delusion, my best friend

    1. @author
      October 17, 2016 at 2:06 pm

      I’m in the same boat. They were married and as far as I know they are still happily married. They totally cut all contact out of the clear blue. No explanation’s. I understand where your coming from. I don’t blame my person for cutting contact like they did. I’m sure they had a good reason. Maybe the husband told them to stop talking to me. Maybe her family talked her into cutting contact. I’m not sure why it was done, but it was. I wish she would open that door of contact up. I would attempt to open it, but I have to respect her choice. I wouldn’t want to put her in a position to have to ignore me or have to hide our relationship from her husband and family. I love her that much. I’m sure the last thing she wants is someone she cut contact with trying to open that door. Trust me I have thought about doing that several times. I would rather put her wishes above mine. I do wish things were different and that she didn’t shut off contact. I am truly in love with her. I know she cared for me. I’m sure she didn’t want to have to cut contact that’s why I chose to respect her decision. I will say this though. If she in fact wanted to open the door to contact and a relationship I would welcome her with open arms. Until that happens I will have to love her unconditionally silently. I love her more than she knows.

    2. @author
      October 17, 2016 at 2:08 pm

      No it doesn’t make a person crazy. It makes them human. People protect themselves in different ways. This just happens to be your way.

    3. author
      October 17, 2016 at 2:10 pm

      If it does make a person crazy then scoot over and let me sit with you a bit cuz I’m in da same boat 😉 .

    4. Anonymous
      October 17, 2016 at 4:56 pm

      Your story hits me like a ton of bricks. I have an extremely similar situation, but I am the idiot who walked away from my person years ago. We had never actually spoke about our feelings and I constantly had doubts it was even real. In those years their were moments of hope but they were unclear messages and I was too scared to confirm them.
      So between the hatred I had for myself for being gay, the fear of coming out, the love I had for him, and thinking I was crazy to think he even liked me other than a friend, I was going insane. I decided that I was NOT going to be gay any longer. I blocked everything out and stared dating women. He did not react at first, because dating is a great gay cover, and I usually went on dates that went nowhere. But when a relationship started getting serious, he spontanously moved out (He was my roommate). I still remember the look on his face holding himself together telling me some bullshit reason he was moving. That hurt me bad, but still no confirmation of feelings from him, so instead of being brave and confronting him I blocked everything even harder and sealed that vault closed. I then got engaged. I had not seen him in some time but a bunch of friends got together and he was there. So I annouced my engagement to the group, he reacted just like all my other friends, no problems. But then, quite quickly he had to leave and I saw that look again for just a moment. I blew it off at the time and later thought “if you really feel something for me, just say it, the fucking clock is ticking, you are the only one who can change my mind”. I once again convinced myself I was crazy and welded that vault closed. I got married and within a year or so, I moved away. I only saw him a few times when I came into town to visit, each time acting like life was grand and each time now clearly seeing his soul being crushed. FUCK, what did I do…..WHAT the FUCK did I do you stupid idiot.
      Now I was married, I had step kids, I had to live with my decision and my loss. Over time he stopped hanging with the people we hung with (I met them because of him), I would come into town and nobody had see him in months and then years. He avoided them and me and if someone did see him, he was not dating anyone, never doing anything, and he never married.

      The welds on my vault are starting to crack, I am a married and lonely gay man now.
      I start looking at gay porn, then move to chat rooms, and it gets worse. Every day trying to fill my empty heart the wrong way.
      Now its 20+ years, I got caught along the way so she knows. But now its about, I better not leave her, its not her fault I lied, it will financially devistate her, the kids, family, etc. On top of all of that being true, I love her as a person, she is an awsome person. But I am very broken, and getting worse every day. I guess I am not as strong as she is. I even told her about him a little. I recently sent a facebook message to him (we are not friends on FB) apologizing for what I did and how I did it (without actually admitting anything but making him understand I was serious) he responded with I don’t know what your talking about, you were always nice to me. I messaged again asking if we could meet up sometime for old times sake and he said yes. I plan on apologizing and coming clean, even if I end up being wrong. I don’t care about myself anymore, but he needs to know that he was not crazy.

      I love you, I miss you

      I am sorry.

    5. Anonymous
      October 17, 2016 at 4:59 pm

      I forgot to mention.
      If I somehow see a possible second chance, I won’t make the same mistake twice.

    6. Anonymous
      October 19, 2016 at 9:29 am

      When I actually tried to make plans to meet and talk, he went silent, no more responses.
      WTF does that mean?
      Is he …
      1> Telling me to get lost (This is my guess)?
      2> Still dealing with his own inner conflict (strong second)?
      3> Thinking I am a fucking nut job (possibly true and another strong second).
      4> Over me, in a current good relationship, and not telling me?
      The list goes on…

      No matter what the reason, I wish he would just tell me. I can handle the truth no matter what it is.
      Tell me your straight, over me, you just can’t do it, something, anything.
      I would also keep his reason to myself as I always have (Except on here, but if he asked me to stop posting, I would).
      Having the reason, no matter what it is, would help me eventually get past this.

      He also might have enough ammo in those messages to ruin my life, it would at a minimum have people tilting their heads thinking WTF. I really hope he doesn’t do that, it would hurt innocent people way more than it would hurt me.

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