• To my first love

    by  • October 12, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    To my first love,

    I do not address this letter directly to you because I don’t want you or anyone else finding out that I still care. I told you it was fine, and that you didn’t need to feel bad. I told you that I would be okay and that this was no big deal… I lied. But you probably have no clue what i’m referring to, so let me start from the beginning.

    I remember when I first met you, we had math, english, and biology together. I remember thinking you were cute. And as I got to know you I realized that I liked more than just your looks. I liked your personality and your ability to make me laugh. I fell hard, I can admit that. And when I found out you liked me back I was so excited.

    I remember when we started eating lunch together. I remember all the friendly teasing that our peers would make us endure. I remember the feeling of excitement when you put your arm around me for the first time. I remember the feeling when you first reached for my hand. I remember the very first time you asked permission to hug me because you were such the gentleman. But above all I remember the pain and heartbreak that came from you at the end of the year.

    It was April, I had started to wonder what love felt like. No one new that I was in this deep. Not even you. No One knew that for me this wasn’t just a silly crush. For me it was real, it was the longest I had ever liked someone. I thought about you a lot, more than I care to admit.

    Then I got a note in my locker. It was three days before my birthday when the letter arrived. It was after school and was getting my backpack, the note fell onto the floor and I picked it up. I wasted no time opening it, but I wish I had. I felt tears in my eyes as I read, but I rapidly blinked them away. I quickly got my backpack and walked briskly out of the school. I was hoping that my mom was already there to pick me up. And I promised myself I would not cry until I was safely away from the prying eyes of my peers.

    By now it had become a game to my mother to look up, see me, and see how long it would take me to break into a face-splitting grin, because I had just been with you. But as soon as she made eye-contact with me that day, I broke into tears. I ran the rest of the way to the van and climbed into the front seat. I handed her the note, and as she read it she understood my tears. She new above anyone else that I cared for you, to much to admit out loud.

    I went home and cried that day, I felt as if a dam had broken inside of me and was pouring out its contents. I read and reread that note over and over again. I was so devastated to think that you didn’t like me anymore, that you didn’t care for me anymore.

    The next day I set out looking for the author of said note. Because the letter was anonymous, and said that you didn’t want me know that you didn’t like me. I knew it wasn’t you that had written it. Unfortunately I never did find the author of that note. I tried to act normal that day but you caught on. You asked me if I was ok, and I lied and told you I was. The day before my birthday I showed you the note and asked you if it was true. When you said it was, I was crushed. I remember you apologising and I remember saying it was ok and that it was not big deal.

    I was a mess for a while after that, I felt bad about myself. And it really didn’t help that you were going through great lengths not to talk to me. It was hard for me when everything changed so drastically, when we stopped talking and laughing. And It hurt so much when you wouldn’t even look at me. I felt utterly defeated, but I didn’t hate you, I never hated you. I cared for you so much. And no matter how many times Steffani, my best friend, told me you were a jerk and that you didn’t deserve me, every time my friends talked bad about you, I could never hate you. I could never say anything bad about you.

    Summer came and went, the new year as sophomores began. I realized that you were in my math and social dance class. But I didn’t let it bother me, you didn’t bother talking to me so I didn’t bother acknowledging you. When you came up to me in the lunch line and asked me how my summer went I almost fell over in shock. I couldn’t figure out what had changed or why you would be talking to me, of all people. When you asked me to dance in social dance I became puzzled again, but I did say yes, mostly because we aren’t allowed to say no. Steffani threatened to punch you after that, she didn’t like you talking to me when she new you broke my heart.

    But things change. To be honest it’s nice being able to talk to you in math, and joke around like we used to. It’s also refreshing to talk to you in dance and be able to laugh at each other when one of us messes up.

    I missed you when we didn’t talk. Maybe all I need is your friendship to make me happy. But if you asked me to go on a date with you I wouldn’t say no. Because Zac, I think I will always have feelings for you. I know that if Steffani found out she would be mad. She would tell me not to let you back in, in fact she doesn’t like me even talking to you. But she doesn’t understand, not many people our age do. In fact I don’t think you would understand, which is why your eyes will never see this letter. But I do understand, I mean when it comes to love, especially your first love, I don’t think the feelings will ever fade.

    The girl who loved you first

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