It’s been 24 years since it happened, but my heart is as broken as it was that day when you said you were moving out. I know it was completely my fault. I know I should have stopped you but I was way too fucked up in the head and heart. I know if we would have actually talked about it, things would have been different. I am going to try and explain my memories as best as I can remember, but time may have affected it somewhat so don’t get mad if my recall is inaccurate.
The day I met you at my house blew me away. We were partying and you just stopped by with some other people. I immediately knew I had to get to know you, but I think I came across as obnoxious saying the stupid shit I said. You were actually very cool about it and just sat there and had fun. Over the next few years we became good friends, mostly because of the friends we had in common. Over that same few years, I fell completely in love with you. I also started to suspect you might like me as well.
Over those years I tried to test the waters with subtle hints here and there. I analyzed everything about you, every look, every word, and every movement you made looking for anything that could mean you liked me. Some days I had high hopes and some days I had none. I basically drove myself crazy swinging from “He did this, he must like me” to “It’s all in your head, you idiot”. I also noticed that when another friend of yours who I had never met was part of any conversation, you acted unusual and I could see some sort of pain. All I could think was “OMG, he likes that person and not me”. I was also pretty sure that person was never going to have those feelings for you and you knew that as well.
The first real clue:
We were all hanging somewhere partying, I think music was playing, we were on the other side of the room from everyone and you said something to me. I was buzzed so the exact phrase escapes me, but it was something like “maybe in two years”. It was out of the blue with no other supporting conversation around it.
My stupid ass reaction was to laugh, I am such an idiot. In my head I was like “Did he just say that, does that mean he likes me”. But I think my laugh shut you down because we never spoke about it again and I never brought it up because of my stupid reaction.
More time passes:
Aside from glances and me finding every opportunity to punch you in the arm in order to have physical contact with you, we had no relationship progress, we were stuck heading nowhere.
I am going Pause in the story to explain my mental state at this poing in my life, keep in mind all of the things below were flying around in my head all the time and causing confusion and PAIN:
:: I hate myself, I did not want to be like this. After the screwed up childhood I had, now THIS, f&^%**&^ really, screw you God/Universe/Whatever!
:: This is a choice, I choose not to be like this.
:: I love him so much, why doesn’t he love me?
:: I love him so much, I think he love me too!
:: Say something to him. Wait don’t do it, what if your completely wrong.
:: He has his own screwed up childhood, what if he’s just screwed up, what if he does not like me.
:: He has his own screwed up childhood, what if he’s just not ready.
:: He has his own screwed up childhood, what if he’s never ready.
:: This is all in your head, this is your fantasy, not his.
:: For the first time in your life, you have REAL friends, and you’re going to lose them because of your screwed up thinking.
:: Your screwed up family will make your life hell….again.
:: The world is going to hate you and make fun of you for the rest of your life.
:: Just grab him and kiss him.
:: My brother gets his gf pregnant and my family flips out. OMG, If they can’t handle that, how are they going to deal with me?
There are many more, but I think I painted a good picture, probably a very familiar picture.
I won’t even describe the intimate fantasies I had in my mind (You were and still are so damn handsome and sexy).
You move in:
I am living in a house and needed a roommate and you want to get out of your current living situation, so you move in. OMG, the love of my life is moving in with me, I was freaking the fuck out and on cloud 9.
Now you live with me, nothing happens, no progress, no hints, nothing. I am scared to do anything and I think you are scared to do anything. We have the perfect situation but nothing happens.
Now my doubts are souring and I am entering into an extremely unhealthy mental situation that is never ending. I do not know what to do, im trapped, scared, angry, hurt, etc. All for what, for feelings that may or may not actually exist on your side. And for what risk, turing your life, family, and friends upside down. I also understood that you could possibly be in a similar mental situation as I with the same challenges, but I had no way of knowing.
My Bad Choices:
I started dating someone but I see no reaction from you.
Dating is becoming more serious, I still see no reaction from you. I am already thinking the past years have been my own personal fantasy and you were never interested in me.
Then one day as you’re heading out the door to go somewhere, you tell me you’re moving out, and give a normal reasonable reason why (Closer to work or something), I just say ok (but for the first time, I see subtle hidden pain in your face and eyes, but blow it off in my mind).
Once you drive down the street, I freak out, I am crying, I do not know what to do.
I had a decision to make You or Her. I also knew I was going to cause pain if I broke up with her. I was not sure if your feelings were real or just a fabrication in my mind.
My brain was so scrambled.
In those moments, I used the energy in my anger and pain to push forward as hard as I could to be someone else.
I ignored the look I saw on your face when you told me you were moving.
I ignored the look I saw on your face when I told you I was getting married.
WWIII in my family and I moved away in a blink of an eye.
Shortly after I moved, I started to figure out, you can’t change that part of yourself, I was living a lie.
I did not know how to fix it without hurting a lot of other people who do not deserve it.
I still do not know how to fix it without hurting a lot of other people who do not deserve it.
I saw you a couple of times after I was married, these times, I noticed the look and I knew what I had done.
I realized you did love me and I totally hurt you.
It was as if I was a cold blooded killer and had taken my sniper rifle and shot you right in the heart.
I can’t handle thinking about the pain you must have felt because of me when it all fell apart or every time you saw me after and I acted all happy like we were old buddies.
I really feel like an ass complaining about my life as an adult.
The world problems always have a way to bring me back to the reality of the good I have.
If I were born a different person, I would view my life as an adult as nearly perfect.
Still, the selfish/lonely parts of me has done some screwed up shit over the years.
But, the good parts of me have done really great things.
I will always have this secret missing piece of me that few will ever know about.
I wish I had the ability to explain and apologize to your face.
I do not know if our paths will ever cross again.
I do not know if the universe will somehow give us a second chance.
I do know I want you to be happy, so make it so.
I love you and always will
I try to find you on web searches sometimes but you are really “off the grid”.
But I did stumble on this in a google search and it really made me smile.
I once saw a clown on a comic magazine
He was so ugly, I puked on the scene
I cracked, I went mad, I started to shout!
I was going crazy, and that was no doubt
So, the next month I was off again
Back to the bathroom to puke again.
xxxxxxx xxxxx, xx.