• Dear J

    by  • October 12, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Betrayal • 0 Comments

    Hey, I have no idea how to deal with my emotions when I see you every week. I want so much to hate you, and I probably do, yet I continue faking a smile when I see you week after week because keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. You’ve spilt my secret once, and you can do it again. And it would completely destroy me. You treat it so simply, as if it’s so trivial, but one word from you would ruin my life and my relationship and my relationship with my parents. You feel that it is nothing, but do you know how much pain it is causing me? It has been more than 6 months, but it still bothers me so much and some days it suddenly hits me what if she decides to tell her mum (you tell your mum everything) or another random friend or worse, my parents. The only thing I can think about is that I’ll probably run away from home to avoid seeing their disappointed faces, or I’ll literally overdose or jump down from somewhere. Do you know what it feels like to think about dying so often? You don’t. You still have the nerve to hahaha and hehe and laugh about it, but it is killing me. I can’t remind you not to say anything because deep down I’m hoping that you have already forgotten, but I can’t help worrying that you haven’t. Honestly, when you nearly died (I hate to say this) but a small shred of me wished you did. Because then my secret would go to the grave with you before u have the chance to tell anyone else. I am so ashamed that I feel this way, but isn’t it human nature to want to protect myself, especially since you’ve shown me I cannot trust you on this, this thing that would destroy my life forever and that haunts me everyday.

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