You were a family friend. My trust was completely in your hands, you were suppose to keep me safe. My life was in your hands, you got the idea though one night that you were going to steal something you had no right to. The first night you made it seem like it was a game and you abuse my naive innocent self by saying this was a game. After that night though you didn’t even bother with that, you just kept taking and if i resisted you would beat me. The nature of what you did to me started to get darker too, and it has forever warped me. I cannot have a normal or healthy relationship because of your twisted mind.
It is incredibly hard for me to trust someone now because the last person I trusted was you and you spend 3 months beating me, raping and assaulting me because you had something wrong in your head. I cannot begin to describe the fucking hell you’ve made live through. The nightmares, the uncomfortable feeling i have to be around anyone or be intimate with them. I still shake uncontrollably in some cases and get vivid nightmares of what you did. Its been nearly 20 years and if I hear your name or remember something minor about you I will ball up and shut down.
So this letter is to you and you will never read it because you are dead and you have no idea what I have been through. You died of heart failure and when I found out I spent 40 minutes crying because your name came up. I cried because you died before I could work up the will to voice my thoughts in person. I cried because you died and got your peace, whereas I have been emotionally dead for 20 years and I don’t get my peace. I am writing this letter to let other people know that they are not alone, and that rape and abuse isn’t just limited to woman. You wrecked my life, you stole it before I knew what I wanted to be. Now I will never be able to have my peace with you, never be able to sleep peacefully.