• l’m saving you, but losing me.

    by  • October 9, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Wish • 0 Comments

    To H.A.P.
    I don’t even know how to start so this is how I’m gonna start…idk why i always fall so hard for you. Every time i talk to you whether its for an hour or a month i find myself thinking about you every second of the day.  I have helped you through so much and i never asked for anything in return…when i was younger i used to assume that if i got you out of a bad relationship that you would realize i was good for you and better than all the other guys who hurt you but you never did…i spent so many years jumping up and down trying to get your attention but it always fell flat…you always went for they guy who would hit you or call you names and never saw you as i did.  Its been six years sense we have talked we used to talk every day in school we where best friends until you got with the man who would be your husband and the father of your child.  He said he didn’t like you talking to any other guys at all…so you cut me off just like i was nothing to you…so you could make him happy.  Six years later i messaged you to try to reconnect.  Hoping to hear that life was good and you had finally become happy like i always wanted…but it didn’t appear that way..you where suffering from depression and anxiety that he caused he beat you and called you names.  I wouldn’t have believed it if i hadn’t seen the bruises with my own eyes.  I asked “why do you let him do this” in which you respond every time “because i deserve it”….that was not the answer i wanted.  You showed me cuts on your body where you felt the need to punish yourself even more than what he was.  It broke my heart to see you this way.  But i stepped up and did what no one else would do for you.  I became the long lost friend who was there for you all those years ago…without skipping a beat i helped you rebuild your life fighting your depression making you smile again finally talking you into a divorce…and for the first time i wasn’t falling in love with you.  “Why do you help her if you’re not trying to sleep with her or be with her” all my friends would ask..”because she needs me, because no one else will help her but me she cried for help to everyone but they all say its her fault.”…but not me.  I start to see my old friend come back little by little and smiling more and more and my heart grows…then one night i take you home after dinner and i buy you a bottle of wine..and you stare at me.  The kind of stare you give someone when you want to kiss them but not sure who should initiate the first move.  Neither of us lean in for a kiss even though be both know the other wants to.  I had been waiting 8 years for that moment and it presented itself to me on a silver platter and i refused.  Not because i didn’t want to,  but because i was not going to have you want to kiss me while you are so vulnerable.  A few days pass and i see you are still getting happier and stronger…and then you tell me..after i get you back to where you need to be and happy again…you’re going to take back your abusive controlling husband…because hes “changed” so much in the past few weeks.   My heart exploded into a million tiny pieces…i thought after all this time you would go for someone new to stop going back to the guys who hurt you in the first place and put you in this situation of feeling less than dirt.  But i smiled for you and continued to help you rebuild yourself..feeling every passing day i see you get happier as i fall more and take your place in the spot of depression, but not ever letting you see me sad i continue to smile…to tell you everything is ok with your husband and how you will fix things while i stare at my gun sitting next to my tv wondering….who would miss me…all i am is a roadblock they don’t need me.   But i refuse to pick it up and end it…how can i give advice to others that there is always hope on the horizon while i look around and cant even see the sun. I just wish that…you could see you the way i see you…then you wouldn’t need any other reason to ever doubt that you are loved by at least one person.

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