I miss you so fucking much.
I don’t always think of it. I try and mask it.
But lately. I’ve been losing my mind. The past three and a half weeks of my life have been hell and I can no longer breathe. It all pains me and I don’t know how to handle it.
I’ve been through so much this year, more then so many others will ever have to endure. I’m done even expressing it because it’s all just too much. But I’m not some bitch who thinks they’re the only one with problems. I care about you and your problems. I always have. Even from day one.
I’ve gotten somewhat used to the feeling of heartbreak. After my relationship with my best friend fell apart. But I wasn’t in love with her. I didn’t love her the way I love you.
I’ve tried to pretend it didn’t end, hasn’t ended, won’t end. That it just didn’t have the potential to, the fire we had together. The storms that lived on our breath, passing between each other and throwing flames to our very auras surrounding us.
I reached out and felt what it was truly like to be in love with someone who was in love with you too. And now I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what is going on.
I tried to throw myself into a pointless, boring fling with someone. Someone I tried to use to mask the pain. Again. That’s sort of become my routine of dealing with major relationships failing. It was one meaningless kiss that I poured my heart into wishing it was you on the other end.
But it wasn’t. I opened my eyes and it was just a girl, one deserving of love but love that I can’t give her because I’m in love with someone else.
I don’t know what you feel for me anymore. If anything. Or if it even matters. We’re going in such different directions, I don’t even know if we will ever even really see each other again. Which pains me. It pained me so badly at the trampoline in the rain. It physically twisted my stomach into knots and all I could think about was how much I longed for the feeling of your lips on mine and our back and forth conversations that were more intellectual and well thought out and soul cleansing then anyone I had ever spoken with.
You gave me a hope that there was someone out there who truly loved me and understood me. I was going through so much and I wanted to get ahold of understanding you, of being your best friend. Because I was, am, the girl who loves you. But also the girl who has been through some major fucked up shit.
I can’t keep going on as if I don’t care and I can just move on from this. Because I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t care how emotionally vulnerable I am being. I don’t care how likely it is that I will never get a response to this and that I will be rejected and left alone all over again. I get it.
I just love you, and I can’t be the one who’s not going to swallow their pride and say they miss the other person. Sure, I could play the hard to get doesn’t care attitude but I don’t want that. I’m being brutally honest. But then again, this is coming from a very screwed up state of mind me. I don’t remember the last time I felt like I could truly breathe. I believe it was when I was with you. In the storm. On the trampoline.
My heart hurts for so many reasons, reasons I will probably never even speak about but as for now, I miss you so much. Take this as you wish. Ignore it if you must. After all, this is my turf and where I vent and where I look like a heartbroken longing fool anyway.
Heads swirling with a hurricane, and in this hour you are the eye of it. –