• 15 years of exhaustion

    by  • July 22, 2016 • Moving On • 0 Comments

    Fuck this shit. I am done.
    This whole relationship of 15 years, has been exhausting. To realize what we had, wasn’t even a relationship. Only me wanting to be with you and him knowing that and using it for himself is in itself the biggest truth I have realized. Even after yesterday’s fight, he still doesn’t bother, it’s as if he knows I will bow down again. Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?
    My story started long back when I was in college and I started dating john doe. Before me, john doe had dated a girl.. & Long before I knew it, he was dating her sister along with me. So much that he made me go up to her and tell I am engaged to someone else and nothing is going on between us.
    Later I saw his messages of asking her for sex and what not. I dumped him and a year later he came claiming he has changed and grown out of it. He is such a charming asshole that you will but believe it. I did. I was so naïve. I was so smitten by this guy and his promises that he will love me when I do this or that.
    Hid me from all his friends. I was just a friend. He let her block me on the cell phone. I wasn’t allowed to call him or meet him. If she was coming I had to run from his office. And then again I saw the messages. When I told his gf that we are dating he broke up with me the second time. he wanted to tame me. I didn’t see the emotional abuse he was putting me through. Things weren’t going great at home, due to my asshole brother. And this was my escape from reality.
    Broken homes lead to broken people. You can pretend to be strong but it’s like cancer.. it eats you up from within.
    Gf left to Botswana and he continued screwing me without giving us a name. I just don’t know why I let him do that. Perhaps the hope that if I let him be happy, he will choose me. He didn’t.
    He continued to fuck me, she returned, & (later I found out) john doe fucked her too. (but he swore he was going to tell her about us) I became a free resource for his business. He had strictly told me that if I ever spoke to her (she also was a partner) it was over. Should have walked away then.
    His business failed. And he was left penniless. So I offered to help him. I encouraged him to be the best and nothing less. I would give him pocket money, and I took care of all the expenses when we went out. Not the GF.
    My dad got a stroke and it further shook me down. He was paralyzed his entire right. We had an very emotional chat that night, where john doe told me he loves me and won’t let go. But his gf saw those messages, so He told her that I was drunk(I never drank in my life) and messaged him instead of my bf.
    He got her to hospital to tell her hey she didn’t message me she was messaging her bf and she accidently sent it to me. And showed her my dad’s condition. I was only 24 then. She left again to pursue her job and promised to take him there.
    My brother abandoned my family and his child and I became the sole care taker of a 3-year-old child, my partially blind mom and paralyzed dad. My mum didn’t take the news too well, expired too early and I couldn’t cope up. I went on mute for a long time. Meanwhile, john doe was busy messing with a model and one day he called me for help. When I went to meet him, he was in her house, with his shoes off, taken a bath and the model had her panties on but sleeping. While having lunch he tells me he remembers being naked and taking a shower with her. I dumped him. That’s it for me. I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.
    I was working and a guy there proposed to me. No sex. Not even hug until marriage. Just crazy amount of care and adulation(feeling I wasn’t familiar with) And John doe got to know, he created a riot at office and landed at my house at 3.00 am to take me to my colleagues house.
    He slapped me then for the first time. I wasn’t his gf. Nothing, yet I was slapped. He started to stalk me. And it got so bad, that I hit depression and turned suicidal. He refused to move & stayed for next 10 days asking me to marry him. Promising me over his parents, Quran that u will do it in 3 days, 1 week, 1 month. & then he met a German friend & consulted her to realize life has so much more to offer. forced me to quit asap. And then nothing.
    When I quit my job and excitedly went to him to talk about marriage he says “I was high so I spoke things I don’t remember, don’t take it personally”
    Things further spoilt at my dad’s place when my brother returned and he wanted the financial responsibilities to be handed to him. Dad refused. And when he pushed dad in an argument and dad fell, I pushed him and in turn I got beaten up. With a broken eye, rib, ligament tear I ran out of home to make my life. NO job, face full on injuries, I took a place for me, my food supplies from dad’s house were cut off. They wanted me to bow down. I didnt do that.
    John doe wanted to get a job and I refered his profile to one of my friend. He was hired. And got busy with work.
    I made 5000rs( 75 $ a month, which I gave away for rent. I didn’t have food to eat. Ate sweet bun with Hot water mixed milk powder and tea bag) for 3 months. I couldn’t stand due to rib injury…John doe got a job then. And he would get me food to eat. One day I saw his phone and he was again having an affair with another girl. He would use my car to go meet her everyday. She met me and told me that he told her that I’m an orphan and so he is helping me out. He has nothing to do with me I thought this was it. I kept begging Allah crying to him day and night to get me good job. Suicide thoughts occurred on daily basis.
    5 months later, I got a job and john doe tanked at his job. Gave a reference and got him a job in my place. That one year was beautiful. It was a fairy tale. No girls. Just me and him and our jobs and family. He told people I am his girl and treated me like one.
    Do beautiful things last ever? he started acting funny, didn’t want me to call him after 9 pm even I am dying … he started partying a lot. New job gave him a lot of salary. And 1 day I saw his phone and there were upskirt videos of girls .. lewd pics of women. Asked him to stop but he got even more bold when he took me to a party and did that shit again. I took a cab and got home. He said sorry. He loves me.. blab la… I had some whiskey that night to put me to sleep.
    A few months later we met very slutty girl -known to sleep around, at a friend’s party. They shared numbers and he said there are just chatting. And she knows we are in a relationship. A couple of months later I see his phone again, and found the, chats filled naked pictures and wanting more & sex. The desire to be with her is so intense. He never had that desire towards me. He never sent me messages or behaved in a way that would make me feel that he loves me.
    My only escape was work. I focussed on it. I had a pretty knee bad fracture last year and john doe got bored of my pain in a week and started chatting with his EX GF.. she had moved to dubai for a job. Their chats were horrible – pics of boobs and ass, how he wants to do her one last time, setting up a date to meet her in dubai.
    when I asked her the story there comes out the entire truth.. he had made me look like a bitch in the past, a greedy one, mental chick who doesn’t want them to be happy, and that I had stalked them and she in turn had gotten fed up of me and left the place, left him for good.
    And I realized he didn’t protect me he protected his own cheating ass from his gf’s.
    We had one fight I threw things at me. And screamed and shouted, and cried and cried. And that made me a horrible woman. how did I get there.
    Do you know how hard it is to try and forget the pain caused by one man who I loved the most. I fight that battle every day. Somedays I lose.
    After that he broke up again , and asked me to fuck off & continued with his friends and life as if nothing happened. Endless parties, friends, as if he found a new lease of life. I begged him telling you I can’t break this news to my dad.. he isn’t so well.
    Found panties and condoms in back seat of his car. He swore it is someone elses that he was partying.
    9 months later, I joined the same place as he is working and there he completely fuck me up at work. Everyday new drama. New abuse. New nail in the broken wall. Shouting in front of colleagues, at work, at reception hurling abuses, at production site, at lunch ..dinner ..coffee. imitating me, asking me if I think I am smarter than him. I am not.
    I quit cuz of the stress and tension he brought to me. Things he said incompetent, useless, moron, idiot, stupid, lazy, irresponsible and worse than a kid.
    I quit the job. I cut off with him completely. And now he is again at my door step asking for one chance to work it out. I don’t want him anymore. I am tired.
    John doe wants me to forget everything from past. Wipe his slate clean and start fresh. He calls me a drama queen as I react and sulk and feel bad. I genuinely feel lost.
    As on today I am 32. When I ask him – what about marriage, when are you getting married to me. He tells me “although we have known each other for very long, fucked each other and had some good moments…. u haven’t given me any reason yet to love u.”
    I hurled a lot abuses at him. Choicest ones at that. And blocked him. I have finally taken the walk of shame, that all my friends told me about him and I didn’t see it through. Walked away from the biggest pain. I would have been a different person if he wasn’t there.
    I thought for a very long time I can change him. Get him to see me. My love and care. The fact I held up the relationship. But you cant make a person change without their consent. He used me for everything. He used me to get his first job, his business up and running, to make money, for my body and soul. He could gauge my moves and he messed me up.
    I forgive people quickly. And he used it against me. He knows i’ll forgive but this time I don’t want him back. I have been abused by him for so long, I barely recognize myself. I was one of the top marketing professionals in my industry and his condescending behavior has affected me so much that I am now looking for front office jobs.
    Do such people have any morals? Do they love anyone else other than themselves? Did he ever love me so hard to even think we will be together? Are they really who they tell us they are. Why was I the most “difficult” decision that he will still hang me there without a name and be cool with it. Is he really done with being a pervert or his two best girlfriends. Can they can keep anyone else happy and own up responsibilities. Are his days done of mental abuse or is there more. What does he want from his life?

    But I know, regardless of what I do. What situation or what time of life. He will never be happy. Accept it and drown in the misery until someone comes and saves me. Anyone.

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