I need to tell you the entire reason behind all this recent drama and, at this moment, am not sure if you even really care about it. I know I am and have been very different, at least I think, than most of your friends and both of us deserve a full explanation of why.
Cin, I have so many moments in time burned so deep into my mind that they have become a living part of me. I’m glad they happened and they have sculpted me into the who I am.
The first time I held you and our mouths touched; 5th grade, you were wearing a short furry jacket, Terry Doran was there, you orchestrated this moment. Was this just a lark for you? Was I one of a few? Did the thought of this having any impact enter your thoughts?
Saving my coins and riding to a payphone to call you, couldn’t have toll calls on the home phone.
Fast forward to our first year at BCC and you moved so much closer to me but I had done 4 years in the service and we had not communicated at all, not our style.
I stop by your new house and while sitting on your bed, you change your shirt in front of me. Heart jumps a beat, what was the thought? Was I just so comfortable to be around you forgot I was a man or was I there at all or was it an invitation for desire to build? I didn’t know then and I still don’t.
Walking down the sidewalk at BCC you reached into my, then trendy, overalls and grabbed me. It was funny, at that moment, but another piece of me caught fire.
You had always shared your relationships with me, usually older guys, telling me about sitting in the shower wit this one or how big that one was. I never thought I could be the one you spoke about or even thought about. Didn’t meet the criteria.
Then one fateful evening it happened. We were just hanging out at the beach and it happened. My Everest was laid out before me and each part of you was now mine to marvel over. Each and every inch of you burned into my mind and soul never to be dislodged, never.
Our lives took different paths, and no, not by my or your hand alone. The reasons are known and there is no point in beating that horse anymore, poor thing died a long time ago.
Some 40 years later; I am in the throws of a really dark place in my head and I seek out what has remained a smoldering corner of my soul. No way I would find her. She is married to some attorney and living in California, but I look. At this point I am so separated from the reality of my life I just want to be 19 again. You were my 19, the freedom of it, the passion of it, the burning want of it.
No fucking way, there you are. No fucking way. Every thread of reason and thought come apart in my head. Singular thought….You.
No contemplation of the devastation yet to unfold. No reality check; does she share these feelings? Do I really still have them? Too late, off the cliff I dive.
Fill in the blanks here, you know the answers. Stupid misreads on my part, you just being you. You didn’t even think this was happening in my mind. A couple of more moments to sear into that so scarred part of me but not one of them was intentionally meant on your part…. Not one.
And so here I am, I won’t say we as it draws a picture never painted nor meant to be painted.
And so I finally have reality kick me in the nuts and wake the fuck up. Damn the sunlight of real burns my eyes but at least I can see a little more clearly now, a little at a time.
I write this here because the world of Jason stays empty too long sometimes and the pathetic watching must end sometime. I have to stop chasing breezes through the limbs and leaves of that part of me and dress the self-inflicted scars of a lifetime.
I just wanted you to know that you were that corner of my soul and yes you did mean that much to another. I also need you to know that I never intended harm or hurt to anyone that was involved even though it was a horrific accident scene and the drunk drivers words fall short, so far short.
Cin, when and if you read this, know I never intended to break a promise to you but more importantly to my own. Forgive me for the mess I caused by not remembering the free spirit that was and is you. For not making it easy and for taking some comments and actions so far out of context that I am writing this now.
Jason will live for a short time, still pathetic, but I hope to have enough self control to lay him to rest as well. I do love you kid and yes, as a friend only. I wish for only the best for you.