• Wanting some perspective from the L.I.N.S. Community.

    by  • March 30, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Advice • 3 Comments

    This evening I caught myself doing something that I do a lot when someone or something that could be important is on my mind. I guess it would be classified as fantasizing or daydreaming.

    I think about possible scenarios which I could find myself in with someone, or doing something and I get so into it that I can pretty much envision it as well as feel the way I would likely feel in the situation. It’s never anything perverted, though occasionally it involves being in a bad situation where I always find myself doing something realistically heroic.

    It seems to happen the most when there’s a woman I like. It usually involves me revealing that I have interest in and feeling for her. I’ll add that the dialogue always seems to be a little or a lot more dramatic than it would be in a real life situation.

    What concerns me is that I tend to do this a lot through the day when it involves me liking someone. I find myself zoning out at work, being disengaged from people who I have to deal with on a regular basis, and it effects the amount of sleep I get. It’s probably not hard for anyone who reads this to realize that I’m a pretty lonely guy.

    I know that any (or at least most) feedback I get on this is purely opinion, but I’d like to know if others have experienced, or are experiencing this. And I’d like to know how it could be dealt with outside of seeking therapy, because my schedule is too hectic for me to enter into counseling. I work three jobs and am a parent.

    Thanks in advance

    3 Responses to Wanting some perspective from the L.I.N.S. Community.

    1. Looks like
      March 30, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      You need an endorphin high it seems. That’s what happens when you feel the excitement and anticipation of someone new. It’s all just fantasy.

      Just engage in novel things more often. New hobbies you wouldn’t normally pursue, exercise, action movies on surround sound, binge watch series on Netflix.

      Sometimes people engage in fantasies because they can’t deal with a real relationship – emotional issues, time constraints, whatever.

    2. Ash
      March 31, 2016 at 5:51 pm

      I’ve had this happen to me numerous times. I try bringing myself back into the present by forcing my mind to be in the Moment. I ask myself should I be engaging with the people around me and usually the answer is yes. It’s not easy to do. It takes practice. I’m lonely too so I know how difficult it can be. Let me know how it goes if u decide to try the above.

    3. Peter C
      April 1, 2016 at 9:32 am

      Fantasizing is normal, including during the day. Most people are prone to daydreaming or building scenarios in their heads, especially when they are bored. Despite what many think most fantasies are not sexual in nature – less than five percent in some studies.

      Many psychologists believe fantasies can be beneficial, a welcome relief from drudgery and boredom. In fact quoting from one study, “with a few exceptions, the capacity to imagine contributed to psychological well-being.” They only become a problem when a big part of your life is spent in fantasy, or when the line between reality and fantasy gets blurred. If you find you are no longer in charge of when you indulge and it intrudes into your real life, then there may be a problem.

      From reading your note I’d say your fantasies are beginning to impinge on your real life. If you are lonely, then fantasy will only be a very temporary relief for you. I like the previous suggestions to do more novel things but I would add to it. Since you want more connection in your life than you have, I suggest you push yourself out of your comfort zone on a regular basis. Do one thing a day that involves taking a personal risk and speaking with someone you normally would not. Don’t get your ego too involved – you’re doing this initially as an experiment, to see what happens inside with your feelings. So speak to the woman at the bus stop, the lady serving food, the guy fixing your car. If you feel uncomfortable, you know you are stretching yourself which is what you want to do. If someone connects, great, but if they don’t then just tell yourself you are simply experimenting. Don’t take it too personally.

      Do this for a month, you will likely find that your time spent fantasizing reduces, and you may even develop some new personal connections. Good luck!


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