• Where are the words?

    by  • March 29, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 4 Comments

    As I sit here I have a lot on my mind. Mostly though I am tired. I have a lot of things to do and have no motivation. I use to be a much more care free person. I wish that I had more confidence. The truth is I just feel lost. I don’t know why his words hurt so much? Or why I care that he doesn’t notice me anymore? He doesn’t even speak to me…yet I stay. I sat last night just wishing that someone would just hold me. Yet I had no one to call. Sure he was here…but all weekend all my attempts to communicate just didn’t work. Though he did say that he has no Romantic feelings for me any more. Also that he loved me like a sister. My heart sorta sank at that comment…being his wife and all.
    He says that family is the most important thing in life. Which I agree with. I love my family more than I can explain.
    Yet he tells me that he just doesn’t want to do the things that I like because there not of his interest. So sadly over the years I just stopped being myself. Even if I wanted things to be different…I just feel like I am not good enough. Plus he doesn’t want me to leave…and says that he loves me. But mostly he just ignores me or jokingly puts me down. I feel like such a weak person. I don’t want to have a victim mentality. I just feel lost.
    How to you smile when you feel invisible, plus know that no one can change the situation but you. Yet you just can’t seem to make any progress. I feel scared by the thought of this marriage ending. Because to be honest I just have no faith in myself.
    I was called a push over the other day by him. It hurt because I knew that it was true. I know that I am when it comes to this family and the kids. They are my heart and soul. I feel so blessed to be here to take care of them. I am a simple woman I guess. But does that really mean that I am less? I will be honest…I know how to keep my house clean and running but making money I just feel that I haven’t got a clue. It makes me feel so low that I am dependent. Plus I have no friends. I did go to counseling for a couple of years but that felt like I was paying to have a friend and a really uncaring one at that. Also yes I tried out a few different ones. It was all basically the same. I want more out of life I just don’t see how I would even deserve it. Its like I have this empty hole and I can’t seem to fix it.
    I guess also that push overs aren’t attractive…which I understand from his perspective. Its all sorta a mess and I am not blaming it all on him. Just venting really. We love our kids a lot…we love each other…like family. The truth is he never was in love with me. He never asked me to marry him. I asked him.
    It wasn’t out of love it was out of fear. Fear that no one would love me and the kids like he did. He’s a good man. I would never speak bad on his character. What I mean is I know that him not being in love with me, doesn’t make him a bad person.
    I also know that I am the one that has to change if I want things to be different. I just don’t feel like I have the strength.

    4 Responses to Where are the words?

    1. Reader
      March 29, 2016 at 5:57 pm

      You are such a brave woman.
      You are beautiful, the strength you possess and the things you put up with. I am a woman, who knew a woman like you, I hurt her unintentionally and I will pray for her til my dying moment.
      Please, dont ever feel its your fault. Everyone takes a step in life and it happens to be a wrong one.
      I wish , I could say something that would provide some comfort.

      I despise the fact that women find themselves in this position out of fear .
      Your only weakness is that you are a good woman.
      Im so sorry if this hurts you, because Its my personal view, but he doesnt deserve you nor you him. You deserve so much more. So so much more.
      Being “in love” is not all that.
      Loving , however is a decision.
      But respect has to play a big part in it, and to call you a push over …that man has me raging.

      Please remember one day soon your kids will grow into adults and be people. Please stand up for yourself, do whatever makes YOU happy. “People care about people who care about themselves” . Once you have worked on yourself and done what makes YOU happy not anyone else , you will see just how great a life you could have. And maybe you will find that there is a man out there for you who wants nothing but someone like you.

      Whatever your circumstanes dont be a slave to this marriage.
      Every single person is created for this life with a purpose ..and you must find happiness. I cant see him providing any . Selfish man.

      I knew a man like this. A monster.
      But thats a burnt bridge .. life is so much better when you free yourself and become who you were meant to be.
      I wish you happiness from bottom of my heart. I will pray that God shows you a way out of this cage and make you the happiest you have ever been. Dont rely on him to make you happy. But I bet hes the reason you are not.

      Please forgive me if ive come across too harsh, I only mean well.

    2. You are wrong about something
      March 29, 2016 at 10:56 pm

      You do have the strength. You just haven’t gotten fed up enough yet. You sound depressed. And if you are, I have been there and understand.

      I was in a relationship once where I changed into a meek, pushover person because I let it happen. It happened slowly and I didn’t do it consciously. It’s the antithesis of who I actually was.

      I ask you to turn your attention to yourself. Where would you like to be 5 years from now? Baby steps. If you don’t want to divorce then what about taking some college courses or learn a trade so you can become more independent?

      Your husband is in his own little bubble and has zero tact. Create your own bubble and concentrate on yourself and your kids.

      I know it’s hard as a mom to do what may feel “selfish” and do things for yourself. But realize that being in a marriage of convenience that is making you sad will trickle down to the kids.

      Take care of yourself. In doing that you will find yourself.

      Good luck.

    3. @Reader
      April 8, 2016 at 11:00 am

      Your the raging Monster which you just harshly admitted.

    4. You're ...not your.
      April 8, 2016 at 4:49 pm

      Issues much?

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