I’m not young. I was married for over 20 years. I still remember the happiness and joy I felt on my wedding day. I remember puppy love from when I was a teenager and the break ups that followed. What I don’t recall remembering through all of those moments, is feeling anything like the way I felt/feel for you.
And how that feeling of wanting to inhale somebody, crawl inside their skin, not ever being able to be close enough, obsessive thoughts was so dangerous, that all my hard won experience and maturity, flew straight out the door. How I kept coming back, how I almost let my whole life go – everything I worked so hard for after the end of my marriage nearly went straight down the tubes. And I’d worked hard on myself after that long, hard marriage. I’d built myself back up, I’d held up my children, I’d kept us all together, I’d achieved so much and become truly happy. And then YOU happened.
And yes, I made mistakes – don’t we all? But boy, your scorched earth method of dealing with my human frailty was incredibly hard to forgive time and again. And the scariest thing out of all of this? Is I’m afraid, if you crooked your finger, I’d run back, just to feel you, smell you, touch you one more time. I’m scared that you are the only chance I’m every going to get to even feel that way. I’ve never felt it before – and I thought I couldn’t love any more than how I felt on my wedding day. The closest thing to it is that first moment with a newborn. When you are intoxicated and overcome with never wanting to let someone go, wanting to make the world right for them. But it’s still not the same. How did I live this long and never even know that humans had this capacity?
Sure, I’d read about it – watched those dumb movies but I thought it was all overblown and then YOU. And we were so wonderful every single time we were anywhere near each other, we RESONATED. But the minute we were apart, shit got in the way. Even I can only forgive so much and be unforgiven for so little. Your level of hypocrisy and double standards was glaring and I tried to get you to see but, you couldn’t.
So now? I’ve lived long enough to know I can survive anything but one of my children being hurt. I know there are going to be days when I laugh again. It’s just a matter of hanging on and letting time work. I know I can build myself up again and get back to an even better version of who I was before I met you. But, what I don’t know because I just don’t have the experience, is if I’ll ever feel this way for someone else again. And if I don’t? You know, I’m NOT glad I felt this way. Because I never knew what I was missing before and I was happy. I’m sure I could have loved in other ways like I did my husband – I didn’t know I didn’t love him this way and we worked fine for many years. But what now? I’m left with being bereft for something I didn’t even know existed over a year ago and I was totally fine with it.
Now I KNOW that it’s possible to feel this way, I’m going to miss it in everyone else I ever meet. Nothing is going to feel anywhere close. So that’s it. A colour has been taken out of my world – I’ll enjoy every other colour but I now know that there is one missing. Damn it. That’s fucked up.