Today is gray and cloudy.
The sky is hanging low and the dampness in the air feels like anticipation.
I’m sitting on my couch.
The place I usually am when I think about you.
And I’m thinking about you.
This week has been wonderful and painful at once.
I keep waiting for something to click so that I can move forward and accept our lives for what they are but it never happens,
The more I have if you the more I want.
You enter my system and fill in the gaps left by years of my confidence and very being chipping away.
You flow through my veins and help me breathe, make me feel like everything is possible,
If it’s corny so be it.
I have felt fulfilled and supplied by even the most mundane activities simply because I’m doing them with you.
Nowhere am I more thoroughly me and confident in that fact then when I am in your presence.
We are wonderful together and bring out the best in one another and stand up for each other and praise each other.
We make sense.
And I love you.
And I need you in my life.
And I’m thankful you are here.
But you are not mine.
You have never been mine.
You are my best friend and my confidant and so much more
But you are not mine to keep.
You belong to her.
And I care about her too.
And I belong to him.
And I care about him too.
So this week was wonderful because I could see how special and easy and sweet and simple and passionate and perfect life could be if we were an “us”
And this week was painful because I saw more assuredly what I will never have.
Your eyes sparkle when you talk about her.
You do love her.
You love both of us. That’s the one truth I know whole heartedly.
You make me so fundamentally happy just by existing.
You make me smile.
And my heart hurts.
It’s overflowing with emotions and I can’t contain it anymore.
It’s too full.
And so like the sky today I’m waiting
Full of anticipation of what needs to come.
A storm to drench everything and calm my soul for awhile.
Because as much as I love to dance in the rain
It also makes it easier to cry.