• Oceans Lost To Tragedy

    by  • March 25, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    Dearest You,

    I’ve never written to you before. And this is the very first time. Which is sad. I had never felt so inspired as to write to you as I feel now. Because although I love to write, and sometimes my words flow, it is only when I feel intensely bad emotions. Emotions that have caused me to fall low. To my knees, clawing at the dirt for a way to stand up. And now, I am down in a ditch I thought I would never be in. I must somehow come out of this, or feel like I’ve at least tried before I leave this part of me to die.

    I never wanted to lose my you. I never thought I would. I never thought it possible. I looked at you and saw my other half, my best friend. When I saw you laugh I laughed too, knowing how lucky I was to have someone like you. One not of my own blood, but whom I loved like a sister. Like my own family.

    Everytime I felt insecure, or lost, or wandering into the unknown, I always thought back to you. You were who I had in my mind as a solid foundation. My friend who I could always turn to. I never had to question whether or not you cared for me, I just knew. Knew as I knew that my heart beated and my lungs breathed.

    Everywhere I went, all of the time, I wished that you could be there too. All of my funniest stories I would tell to people were of you and me. I would smile and talk of my best friend, who I laughed with more then I ever had with anyone. And I wanted to share that joy with others.

    We always talk of how we take things for granted, like food or our houses or our families. How great these things are but we don’t have the ability to realize it because of how used to them we are, and we’ve never experienced life without these things. I’ve realized these past few days that because I believed so firmly in our friendship, that it would always exist, that I didn’t even realize how huge you were in my everyday life.

    I realized that slowly, and it started as a numbness. A slowly boiling fear and tragedy deep inside me, emotions I refused to let take hold of me. Until I had done my makeup, or sat to poop, and went to snapchat you. Or my less then fine night at soul steps, only to go home and realize I did not have you to talk with.

    My everyday living, had much to do with my relationship with you.

    It was a feeling I will never forget, being inside of calvary baptist, with all of the anxiety they cause me, with a mixture of something I never thought would happen. Anxiety over my wilting relationship with you. It was a pain unlike any other, and I could barely stand to breathe. That was when I felt those boiling emotions erupt inside of me, going up to my rib cage and my heart and my lungs. I do not want to accept truth, but then, I did. And I had no one to turn to. No one who understood the depths of myself like you. No one who knew the very essence to my being and existence, knew exactly what to say to me. And I was at an almost laughable tragedy, I wanted to talk to you about what to do about you, what to do with myself. As I broke inside of the place that broke my heart, only to bring more heart break into it.

    I need you to know, I have never wanted to hurt you. I looked at you and saw the person who I could always rely on and would take a bullet for. I would do anything to keep you from unnecessary pain, so that’s what I did. I carried it all and in the end it seems I am taking the bullet. If it hurts you less to pick him, please do it, because I would do anything for you to feel less pain. Even if it is in a liar’s arms.

    It hurts, and I won’t lie. This is a heartbreak, an undying tragedy and one I will have to carry. No matter what the outcome ends up being.

    I can guarantee you and I feel as though I can guarantee the same for myself, you will never have another friend who cares for you and loves you as much as I do and did.

    I understand life goes in phases, and you always meet new people and go in different directions. I just hoped, and felt that deep down I knew, you would always be in those places and directions. Because I couldn’t see myself anywhere without having you in my life. It was something I couldn’t imagine, let alone see as a reality.

    Reality is a strange thing, but it hits you unexpectedly and you either run from it or accept it.

    Oceans seems to be playing a huge part in my life this year, as a symbol for most things. I am a lover of the ocean, it is what inspires me most. But I have only ever been to one part of the ocean. And it was the most beautiful and peaceful place I had ever been, I could never see there being a more beautiful side to this ocean or a prettier beach. I felt as though I belonged at this particular side, and I didn’t want any other.

    But now, of course, I probably could never find that exact side of that particular beach I was on again.

    But I will always remember it as the most beautiful, the spot I felt most inspired and alive, the place that helped me through all of my heartaches. The calm in the storms around me.

    Of course there are other beautiful seasides, but that one will always hold a special place in my memory.

    I think of you the very same. And that will never change.

    Thank you for being that for me, thank you for being the very best for the very most of the time we had.

    I love you.

    *No funny business*, forever and always,

    -Hayley

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    4 Responses to Oceans Lost To Tragedy

    1. Such a beautiful letter
      April 3, 2016 at 12:32 pm

      So deep ????




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    2. Author
      April 3, 2016 at 11:51 pm

      @Suchabeautifulletter

      It is a letter to my longtime best friend who I have now lost over lies told about me to her. And as you can see, I loved her very much and it broke my heart. That is the meaning of this. Cherish your best friend, even those who you think you could never lose, because loss is always possible.




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    3. GuessWho
      April 4, 2016 at 9:30 pm

      Beautiful, immensely tragic.




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    4. me
      April 7, 2016 at 8:19 pm

      This made me cry. I hate guessing games. Could it be that I ment this much to you? Could this be about me? If you would have told me not to move back, when I told you I was, I wouldn’t have. You didn’t give me an option. You belonged to someone. I thought you were happy with him, that’s what you led me to believe. That’s what you told me. I remember telling you that if I had a choice, it would be you. I ment that all my heart. That was my way of letting you know. Now I don’t know if this letter was for me, but this letter reminds me of what you mean to me. You promised bff forever, no matter what. I made the same promise, but you won’t let me keep my promise. Bullet? You didn’t have and still don’t have to take that bullet! If you want to take a bullet, then come back to the relationship. Look you didn’t tell me you wanted me to choose. I thought you were happy with him and just enjoying our relationship. I feel like I took the bullet. You left with no warning, at one of the worst times in my life. I needed my best friend then. Not only did I lose my daughters dad, but I lost you too. Talk about a bullet. If I mean that much to you and you want me in your life forever you have to contact me. My fear though is that you have gone through so much hurt, you would be too scared to come back, even if I told you there is absolutely no reason to be scared. Out first hug would make it all melt away, like none of this ever happened. I’m not mad, I’m hurt also. I’ve texted, I’ve called, does that not prove I want you in my life? I didn’t know that I had a desicions to make. If I move back to him I lose our friendship. That’s not what our relationship was suppose to be about. Best friends that became so close we were lovers, we should have had clearer communication on both our parts. I’m not innocent in all of this. I could have been clearer. I think we are worth fixing it, and figuring things out. Do you? You say you want to make me happy, then come back to me. Let’s have fun again, knowing we love each other deeply. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. I think we have it in us. I think we can figure it out to where we are good for each other. I have said that many times, but its like your not hearing me or you don’t want too. I can’t make you come back. I can heal and move forward. What we had was real, its not fair to just walk away without warning. Will you text me? I believe we are ment to be in each others lives without bullets having to be taken. We can make us right only if you want it, like I do. I do love you. I won’t hurt you, intentionally, ever. We can go talk over soup, and a walk by the ocean, after a big hug first. We will just chalk this up as we both didn’t communicate how we felt and just move forward. It is that simple……. What do you say? If its too late for you, then I will have to accept it. Nothing more I can do to let you know, it would mean so much to me, if you came back to the friendship. My door never closes on you, never, I keep my promises. I don’t remember reading this letter before. OK so there it is, I am asking you as a bff to take my hand and let’s heal. What do you say? If this letter wasn’t for me, then I’m sorry, but thanks for letting me get this out to my girl.
      This is for my Venus




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