I’ve never written to you before. And this is the very first time. Which is sad. I had never felt so inspired as to write to you as I feel now. Because although I love to write, and sometimes my words flow, it is only when I feel intensely bad emotions. Emotions that have caused me to fall low. To my knees, clawing at the dirt for a way to stand up. And now, I am down in a ditch I thought I would never be in. I must somehow come out of this, or feel like I’ve at least tried before I leave this part of me to die.
I never wanted to lose my you. I never thought I would. I never thought it possible. I looked at you and saw my other half, my best friend. When I saw you laugh I laughed too, knowing how lucky I was to have someone like you. One not of my own blood, but whom I loved like a sister. Like my own family.
Everytime I felt insecure, or lost, or wandering into the unknown, I always thought back to you. You were who I had in my mind as a solid foundation. My friend who I could always turn to. I never had to question whether or not you cared for me, I just knew. Knew as I knew that my heart beated and my lungs breathed.
Everywhere I went, all of the time, I wished that you could be there too. All of my funniest stories I would tell to people were of you and me. I would smile and talk of my best friend, who I laughed with more then I ever had with anyone. And I wanted to share that joy with others.
We always talk of how we take things for granted, like food or our houses or our families. How great these things are but we don’t have the ability to realize it because of how used to them we are, and we’ve never experienced life without these things. I’ve realized these past few days that because I believed so firmly in our friendship, that it would always exist, that I didn’t even realize how huge you were in my everyday life.
I realized that slowly, and it started as a numbness. A slowly boiling fear and tragedy deep inside me, emotions I refused to let take hold of me. Until I had done my makeup, or sat to poop, and went to snapchat you. Or my less then fine night at soul steps, only to go home and realize I did not have you to talk with.
My everyday living, had much to do with my relationship with you.
It was a feeling I will never forget, being inside of calvary baptist, with all of the anxiety they cause me, with a mixture of something I never thought would happen. Anxiety over my wilting relationship with you. It was a pain unlike any other, and I could barely stand to breathe. That was when I felt those boiling emotions erupt inside of me, going up to my rib cage and my heart and my lungs. I do not want to accept truth, but then, I did. And I had no one to turn to. No one who understood the depths of myself like you. No one who knew the very essence to my being and existence, knew exactly what to say to me. And I was at an almost laughable tragedy, I wanted to talk to you about what to do about you, what to do with myself. As I broke inside of the place that broke my heart, only to bring more heart break into it.
I need you to know, I have never wanted to hurt you. I looked at you and saw the person who I could always rely on and would take a bullet for. I would do anything to keep you from unnecessary pain, so that’s what I did. I carried it all and in the end it seems I am taking the bullet. If it hurts you less to pick him, please do it, because I would do anything for you to feel less pain. Even if it is in a liar’s arms.
It hurts, and I won’t lie. This is a heartbreak, an undying tragedy and one I will have to carry. No matter what the outcome ends up being.
I can guarantee you and I feel as though I can guarantee the same for myself, you will never have another friend who cares for you and loves you as much as I do and did.
I understand life goes in phases, and you always meet new people and go in different directions. I just hoped, and felt that deep down I knew, you would always be in those places and directions. Because I couldn’t see myself anywhere without having you in my life. It was something I couldn’t imagine, let alone see as a reality.
Reality is a strange thing, but it hits you unexpectedly and you either run from it or accept it.
Oceans seems to be playing a huge part in my life this year, as a symbol for most things. I am a lover of the ocean, it is what inspires me most. But I have only ever been to one part of the ocean. And it was the most beautiful and peaceful place I had ever been, I could never see there being a more beautiful side to this ocean or a prettier beach. I felt as though I belonged at this particular side, and I didn’t want any other.
But now, of course, I probably could never find that exact side of that particular beach I was on again.
But I will always remember it as the most beautiful, the spot I felt most inspired and alive, the place that helped me through all of my heartaches. The calm in the storms around me.
Of course there are other beautiful seasides, but that one will always hold a special place in my memory.
I think of you the very same. And that will never change.
Thank you for being that for me, thank you for being the very best for the very most of the time we had.
I love you.
*No funny business*, forever and always,