I Thought of you today.
Today, was a sad day, a significant day. I was expecting good news but I was disappointed. Im not alone, for sure everyone else has expressed the same, it would have made sense if we all got the outcome we all deserved all these years. But that isn’t why I thought of you.
In fact it was more the person you reminded me of initially. I sat crying for hours and hours and suddenly got an anger button triggered somewhere deep within me.
It then came, the thought of you and totally uninvited, that happens often. I am still used to having you breathing inside my chest on a daily basis, yeah you should have pissed off. Today was different. I needed you, or more the person you were, if you were that person at all. You see, I have to keep telling myself that the good in you existed, I have to ,else my closure couldnt have been.
I thought of the old you, the you I respected so much. The you who reminded me why I was alive and my duties, my strong relationship with the most important ONE. You who used to look at me and my chest would thump, and id look into your eyes and feel your every single heart beat. You whos pinky promise, sent shivers and electricity through my body, when I could just close my eyes and feel it forever. You whos only touch was that. And that was enough for me, you see, that was more than enough for me. Because I knew, if ever that was to become more it would be out of this world. (What a fool i was) I cried so much, I cried into the walls, into pillows, I clenched my fists so hard I was so angry. Because I , for the first time in a long time remembered You. You who I know would have something comforting to say on this day if you hadnt ruined it. Thoughts rushed through me.
Thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions, anger, pain, so so much pain, agonising pain , deep horrible awful pain. I missed you.
Because I know today , if you had been the true you, the you i thought you were once, you would have preached, you would have made… sent a prayer. Youd have told me to pray and id feel better. You wouldnt have to hold me like I imagined you did today. Youd only need to say a few words and inside id thank God in my head for sending you my way and appreciate that our paths crossed because I thought the best of you. You reminded me so much of someone who was so good. I loved you in ways no one ever will and ways no one ever could.
Thunder in my heart, I cried my eyes out, tears so big it drenched me.
I felt so much better after that release and then I smoked a cigarette, that too for the first time in a long time. I have tried to erase and push off and out of sight and mind everything and anything that reminds me of you. Every thing but thats so hard. Today of all days, on the very worst day (of my life -you could say) I remembered and missed you, I needed YOU.
I needed you who is EVERYTHING but good. You who turned my life upside down. You who lied and cheated , you coward, you abuser.
You selfish man, who only thinks of himself. If you remained the old you and hung on just a little longer, youd learn things you never knew about me. Youd know all the answers to any…any questions you may have in your head, anything that you needed to understand now you would have. But you messed up, dont worry I am no angel, quite far from it but I loved you and everyone connected to you in any way. And that is something you will never possibly understand. I did what I did because what you did, didnt only scar me mentally for life but it took away from me so much more. I cant explain that, if you had acknowledged what you did was wrong ..and understood implications, it would explain my behaviour my anger my confusion my feelings. After what happened, happens one goes into denial. My denial phase … was for you. I protected you and dug myself an even deeper hole just so I would not believe that you did that to me. Because I kept telling myself you would never do that, but you did, you did and we both know that.
Even after I took it through serious channels I thought youd talk to me and tell me you acknowledge, you accept and understand and you didnt mean to. You didnt…
You said something else. Something I fought hard to make you work on.
Because you had put a full stop on things?
Urm well your actions throught contradict everything your defending yourself with, havent you thought about that?
But you better thank your 4 stars in the sky for saving you. Maybe they would have shined better innthe drkness, but Id never take that away from them. Im not that evil.
You left me for dead.
You , the human form saint without wings.
Or so I thought.
You know the hardest part, is , a phyisical wound heals , it hurts, but it heals. But the wound you bought upon me cannot be seen. It can only be felt. I pray you feel it , its only fair.
Ive invested quite a lot lately into myself, to become mentally and physically strong. Let go of everything that pulls me down and reminds me of you.
I really wished you dead. But I dont anymore, I just wish…. well, you will never know. But Im better than youl ever know , and inna way am glad you dont.
This was my 4th letter to you. I havent ever submitted one before few days back.
I was only a reader.
I wont be coming back again. Im lifting my anchor , have been for a long time.
I have vented and said what I have to say. I do feel better now, but justice , time , patience they all kinda go hand in hand.
I wish you happiness, I wish you wake up each morning met by someones smile, someones hand to touch your face, kiss your eyes. Someone who joins you in all five and you are happy, full. You know what I mean? FULL in the heart, completed, not like a piece missing.
I wish you do everything and everything you do is with will, something you want and you have it . I wish you never run out of fire, I wish when you get angry at her you can still say “God I love her she drives me crazy”. I wish you can sit there for hours, days , nights without a single word and just breathe together and fill the air with the most passionate love there ever was. I wish when you need it she does for you ALL THAT I NEVER WOULD, AND ALL THAT I NEVER WILL. from bottom of this, …heart and soul
thats the very last of me. Because when time comes I want to be able to meet God with a clear conscience.
I never thought I would , in respect to the man who doesnt exist anymore but here it is “GOODBYE”