• Sorry, I’m letting it go…

    by  • March 22, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Hatred • 4 Comments

    Dear everyone:

    I tried, since I was a young kid, to learn how to cope with the people surrounding me and to pretend to be a nice guy. I tried to make people smile, feel proud, make a difference.

    I have failed.

    From the very start of everything a small, little, dark hole had opened in the exact center of my heart and throughout all these years it hasn’t done anything but grow bigger and bigger each second. I tried to close it, to cover it, to hide it, to completely heal it and get rid of it.

    I have failed.

    I kept looking for the reason why that hole had opened, it seems like it was the people I always tried to get along with that opened it in the 1st place. No matter my actions, all my friends have shown how ungrateful they are, and since that moment I started to feel hate, anger and frustration with the world. The happy child I once was has fallen into a dark well where noone can hear his screams.

    Yes, I am becoming a monster. I used to believe in karma, in divine justice and in balance. I thought good people would be the happiest and bad people would get what they deserved. I was wrong. That’s not how the world works and I’ve come to learn it the hard way.
    Nonetheless, I tried to keep it together, to become a better person, to stay sane.

    I have failed.

    Now, everytime I see someone I wish them the worst, I hope they suffer, I hope they end up in melancholy and depression till the mere moments of their demise. I want them to be forgotten, to become insane, to experience pain and to wish death.
    Everyday I feel these emotions and thoughs crawling upon my skin and into the remains of my soul and becoming stronger. I’m becoming a monster, I’m becoming a horrid creature who craves for tragedy. I hate it, I want to beat it, I want to change it but…

    I can’t.

    I’m sorry mom and dad, you were the only ones who tried to save me. I tried to be different, but I can’t hold onto it anymore… I’m finally letting it go. I wish I could’ve made a difference. Your son is officially a monster. I’m so sorry.

    I’m writing this with the hopes that someone might actually read it all and take a glance at the last moments of my graceful self, the one person I was before letting it go. Before letting this monster take over my body.

    Thanks for the good times. I’m sorry…

    I have failed.

    4 Responses to Sorry, I’m letting it go…

    1. B
      March 22, 2016 at 7:21 pm

      You havent failed! Im sure your family is proud of you and cares about you! Stay strong, I know you can!

    2. Oedipa Maas
      March 22, 2016 at 9:52 pm

      Shhhh, now. I had a thought in the night, last night, which I even wrote down…perhaps at the moment you were writing your so very heartbreaking thoughts. I believe this thought came from the Lord and were meant for you, if you will hear it:

      To feel the responsibility of love is not a burden, but a privilege not to be feared but embraced.

      You have not failed. You are at a point of changing your course, and I know you will choose to continue life as one who embraces such a joyous responsibility.

      A S’Mother.

    3. Lima
      March 23, 2016 at 5:41 am

      The the author of this very letter. It takes great strength to accept your failure . Yes, you failed . Everyone of us fails, believe me. But the difference is accepting or owning up and then You are no longer a failure. If you don’t fall there isnt a need to get up. Cowards fall and stay there . Cowards and the weak never admit they have failed.

      You are more than you feel. Better than you think and stronger than you believe . Failure is absolutely okay . You will do great things just believe in yourself . Stay true to YOU.

    4. Peter C
      March 23, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      You are estranged from yourself, and from your darker angels. For you it started as a small, black hole. For others it starts with thoughts that seem to come ‘from out there’ or from whispers. It happens because we are taught as young children that there are acceptable and unacceptable feelings. So some of us learn the trick of only identifying with the ‘good’ feelings. The other feelings, dark and sinister, angry and frightening, are pushed away as ‘not me’. It causes a schism in the soul, a splitting of a whole human being into two parts. And over time, if you keep it going, the good part starts to feel more & more artificial, made up. It takes more & more energy to keep being just the good side. And the dark and sinister side grows unchecked, stronger or so it seems, because we refuse to look at it & realize it is also us. And so we fight a struggle no one sees, between the lighter and darker angels of our unified nature, and it feels to us at times like we are going crazy and it could only be us who are so bizarrely split inside ourselves.

      So we can say I was a happy child, but if I was only half of a child, while my darker brother sheltered in the hole in the heart, then it was never a complete happiness. It becomes brittle, it looses strength, because you have not embraced everything that you are.

      If this resonates, if what I say sounds right so far, then read on. Because our real essence which is never split craves wholeness. The good and the bad, the dark and the light, the sweet and the wicked, it is the only way we become fully human. You cannot embrace what you push away, you cannot own what you disown. And we all know that things that we fear to look at get larger, not smaller, over time. Whether it is a fear of death, of loneliness, or not being good enough, or just a fear of our animal nature. If we close our eyes, the world becomes scarier.

      You say you are becoming the monster within, that you crave the pain and demise of all. That may be. But it is just as likely that under all that rage is a very deep sadness, if you go looking. A deep sadness because you are alone, and you have lost your twin self so very long ago, and now everything & everyone reminds you of the pain you carry inside.

      If what I say feels like it is correct, let me know. There are better ways thru this.

      with caring,

    Leave a Reply