• I’m a disappointment

    by  • March 21, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 5 Comments

    Dear Parents,

    All of your friends’ children have aced their exams and got into Ivy League universities. And I didn’t. I didn’t ace my exams, I did well but not brilliantly, I got into a university, not a brilliant one but I guess it’ll do.
    I hate that you have to pretend to be happy for me and that everyday you spend time wondering why your kid is such a disappointment when everyone else’s has got their life together.
    Trust me, I wish I wasn’t such a disappointment too. I wish there was something I could do about it and I wish things were different.

    I don’t know what to do from now I literally don’t see the point of anything. I am so sorry.

    From,
    your daughter

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    5 Responses to I’m a disappointment

    1. No.
      March 21, 2016 at 1:19 pm

      You are no disappointment. You can be proud of what you have accomplished so far. Don’t sell yourself short.




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    2. Raven
      March 21, 2016 at 5:16 pm

      Dear Daughter,

      I’m sorry that we burdened you without asking what you wanted. Since you were a little girl, we’ve always made decisions on your behalf that we thought were best for you. It’s hard for us to let go and realize that you’re an adult now and that it’s not our job choose for you any more. Please forgive us for hanging on just a little too long.

      All we ever wanted was for you to be happy, so go ahead and decide for yourself how to make that happen. Even if you make every possible mistake and have to start over, of course we’ll still love you and help you in any way we can. All you have to do is ask.

      With Love,
      Your Parents




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    3. mom
      March 21, 2016 at 10:19 pm

      don’t be to harsh with yourself darling.
      I’m a mom, I was on the top of the class during my time but I didn’t expect my children to do the same.
      For as long as they will pass their exams and didn’t commit any crime that will put them in jail, I’m fine with that.
      If there’s one thing that could make me happy, it is seeing them happy.




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    4. J
      March 22, 2016 at 10:36 am

      You are not a disappointment, no matter what you or your parents might think. You came into this world with unique gifts, talents, and passions that will benefit the world in a big or small way. I can say from personal experience that people will never know what you are meant to do; only you will know or come to understand that. The worse thing you can do is deny yourself from pursuing your interests, whether others approve or not. Getting into college or university, versus an ivy league institution, won’t keep you from doing what you desire. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.

      -Jess




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    5. Peter C
      March 22, 2016 at 1:24 pm

      Disappointment is a corrosive thing, especially when it is directed at us. Usually it is about something we can’t quickly fix, and so it feels a bit the same as though someone doesn’t love us just because of who we are. Very corrosive, and it makes us feel helpless.

      The antidote is not just to settle, and not just to try to shut out the hurt. The answer is also not to just take on their disappointment as your own, to pile on along with everyone else. How terrible when you already feel crappy if you then channel the emotions from your parents as your own, and decide you deserve to feel even more crappy! No wonder that you are left wondering what is the point of it all.

      So here’s the thing, though. If you hand someone else the keys to your happiness, you will always be helpless. You will never know what it feels like to set & then meet your own expectations. If you don’t hang onto the right to decide what it takes to meet your own expectations of yourself, you will flutter in the breezes of approval and disapproval from the whole world. You will have no stable basis, no bedrock, no foundation. What a great way to make yourself crazy, bitter and sad!

      If you do not disappoint yourself, if you have figured out what you expect of yourself and you have met it, and also if you are paying it forward somehow, then no one else’s disapproval or disappointment can touch you. You may still be sad that they can’t accept you, but it won’t leach into your soul the way it does right now.

      So… decide what you expect of yourself. What does it mean for you to live up to your expectations. What are these expectations. Who do you need to become. What do you need to fix. You already know when you have done your best, and when you’ve tried to coast. Allow doing your best to be good enough for you. It IS enough. And be tough with yourself when you know you have not met the expectations you have set for yourself. Don’t let yourself off the hook, even when no one else sees it. It starts out as a quiet journey into yourself.

      Sometimes you need a guide, a Sherpa. Meaning a therapist. Not because you can’t do it, but because I’m guessing the echoes from your childhood are still strongly disturbing, and make it harder to hear your own voice.

      But… own it. Own your next steps. Become the person you know you need to be. And fuck every other voice that tries to tell you different. Within twelve months your life will change radically, if you choose to do this.

      best of luck,
      Peter




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