• Now what?

    by  • March 19, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Cheating • 4 Comments

    We haven’t been married long and yet before I said yes I knew I should go. I knew I would t be happy and I knew I’d regret. But I told myself it was nerves, I told myself I’d was cold feet, I told myself it was fear of commitment but once we were married once we were husband and wife it would be better. I’d be fine. I’m not fine. It’s not better. I love you, but sometimes I don’t like you. I care about you but don’t always like who I am when I’m with you.

    I starts going online, and chatting with other men. I would tell them I was married but that only made them want me more. I told them I was fat and short and they still wanted me. Why was it enough from them, but not from you? I felt beautiful when a stranger said it whose only goal was for his own satisfaction yet when you tell me I doubt you. Maybe it’s because I’m shallow, maybe it’s because I’m superficial, maybe it’s because I don’t feel the same way about you that I know you feel about me.

    You caught me. You saw me chatting with another man. You confronted me and we talked. I cried and felt guilty. I cried and didn’t even ask for forgiveness. you told me you loved me and even when I told you all that I had done you held me, you loved me. I had hoped that if I was ever caught that it would be my turning point and yet, it’s not. Now what? you didn’t yell, or scream, or cry. you listened, you held me, you watched me. I don’t deserve you and I don’t know if I want you. I want to want you, I want to love you. I want to be all you need and yet I don’t, I’m not.

    What do I do now? I can’t just walk away because I changed my mind, because oops my bad, because I want a man with a better body. I could leave but I could never live with myself after. I could stay and wonder if I will always suffer this lack of love. Now what?

    4 Responses to Now what?

    1. Now what?
      March 20, 2016 at 5:37 pm

      now what

    2. Peter C
      March 20, 2016 at 10:40 pm

      Is it really about a better body? It sounds to me like it is about alienation. In some way you are estranged from your husband, and he is estranged from your inner feelings. And you in turn decided to ignore your inner voice and get married even though something inside said – wait.

      Your internet chats – it sounds to me as though you are missing something at home that you then sought somewhere else. Connection; a feeling of being heard, being listened to. A sense of being special, being wanted, being desirable. A reprieve from loneliness.

      So things happened, things were said, tears were shed. But then, now what? You were hoping for a turning point, something that would force the issue for you. But that didn’t happen, and you feel worse not better. Sounds like you wanted a clean, transparent, totally honest confrontation about everything but your husband just accepted everything and so nothing was resolved. And still is not.

      One letter is not enough to figure it out – it could be that your husband is afraid of conflict, that he keeps his frustration and anger all inside. Or perhaps something inside you always needs affirmation, is always searching for proof that you are cherished, because inside you don’t feel like you are truly worth cherishing. Or it could be something else altogether.

      These things don’t resolve themselves. You say you can’t leave but consigning both of you to another decade of a stifling relationship is also painful. Your instinct was to force the issue, to get it all out. It is a good instinct and if you cannot do that with your husband, this is important enough to go do with a therapist. You deserve love, and he does too – it is still possible for you both. What you need to figure out is whether it will be with each other. Honestly, if you don’t go sort it out, it will not sort itself out. For years.

      Good luck;

    3. Getittogether
      March 21, 2016 at 4:44 pm

      Well first off you need a crap ton of counseling because only people with borderline personality disorder sabotage themselves when they are happy. I know. I do it to. Secondly you go straight to that man and thank him for loving you unconditionally. Then you guys get marriage counseling. You messed up. Take steps to fix it.

    4. Sarah
      May 3, 2016 at 8:22 am

      Yes, now what?

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