We haven’t been married long and yet before I said yes I knew I should go. I knew I would t be happy and I knew I’d regret. But I told myself it was nerves, I told myself I’d was cold feet, I told myself it was fear of commitment but once we were married once we were husband and wife it would be better. I’d be fine. I’m not fine. It’s not better. I love you, but sometimes I don’t like you. I care about you but don’t always like who I am when I’m with you.
I starts going online, and chatting with other men. I would tell them I was married but that only made them want me more. I told them I was fat and short and they still wanted me. Why was it enough from them, but not from you? I felt beautiful when a stranger said it whose only goal was for his own satisfaction yet when you tell me I doubt you. Maybe it’s because I’m shallow, maybe it’s because I’m superficial, maybe it’s because I don’t feel the same way about you that I know you feel about me.
You caught me. You saw me chatting with another man. You confronted me and we talked. I cried and felt guilty. I cried and didn’t even ask for forgiveness. you told me you loved me and even when I told you all that I had done you held me, you loved me. I had hoped that if I was ever caught that it would be my turning point and yet, it’s not. Now what? you didn’t yell, or scream, or cry. you listened, you held me, you watched me. I don’t deserve you and I don’t know if I want you. I want to want you, I want to love you. I want to be all you need and yet I don’t, I’m not.
What do I do now? I can’t just walk away because I changed my mind, because oops my bad, because I want a man with a better body. I could leave but I could never live with myself after. I could stay and wonder if I will always suffer this lack of love. Now what?