As I sit here by myself on a Saturday night, I can’t help wonder where you are at , where you have been sleeping the past few months and if you think what you did to us was wrong. What you did to me. I realize that I am not a perfect person but I didn’t have you arrested because I didn’t still love you. Lets get that part of the scenario and swim in reality a bit. I did not cause this and will not apologize for protecting myself. I have more strength and self respect than maybe you could comprehend. I thought you did too. I was wrong. That will eat me up for a while but it will never get the best of me.
I had you arrested because you were suicidal, reckless and you took your weaknesses out on the one you said you loved and beat me. I have so many questions to ask you but I know I’ll never get the chance and that’s up to me to come to peace with, hence this letter I will never send. We had a home, you had medical attention, a job with opportunity, love and support for the first time since your father passed away. What happened to you? What happened to the B I fell head over heels for? What makes you gamble with life in such a way that all of the demons come out at once? You weren’t honest with me and most importantly you knew it and you weren’t honest with yourself.
I tried my best. I went with you to doctor’s appointments, the hospitalization , keeping the bills paid, holding your hand through the good and bad. Made love to you when you stood up like the man I know is in there but fights against. Shared our dreams and passions and reassured you that I wasn’t going anywhere . I didn’t leave and had no plans to and that’s the beauty of taking something horrible and will turn this chapter in my life into a garden that you can not destroy . I know our line of work gets very stressful and it seems as if the work consumes so much of our energy and personal time. Why do you think I fight so hard on the political spectrum so that we all have the chance to have quality of life and relish in the day when people don’t have to exhaust themselves for the most basic things that all humans and all creatures on this earth deserve – Compassion and respect.
These past few months have taught me a few things in life that I didn’t think I would ever learn the hard way. I let you take a piece of me and abuse it and silence it. I let you scar me physically and emotionally. I let your weakness become my burden, but you know what? When I see you in court in two weeks, you’ll know that I loved you because I will stand up and demand the courts to allow the system to work for those who are lost and disenfranchised. I can no impose sentence but what I will do is ask them to help you because I could not do it on my own. I never could and that is when you failed me. You knew that. You’re not an idiot- far from it. Help yourself. You were supposed to be my protector and my support. You’ve never had unconditional love before this. You did…. But you were not strong enough to absorb it.
I’m sorry that the light hasn’t found you yet B. I hope it does in the future after we both heal from the demons inside. Let them out and remember this… I didn’t stop loving you and I will keep the good times close to my heart. I can promise you that.
I wish you would have just shut up and danced with me…