• An open letter to the boy who took my virginity

    by  • March 19, 2016 • Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Dear Jeff,

    We meet Late 2015. You worked security at the casino I cooked at. We didn’t actually talk until August 11th when you pulled up a chair across from me in the break room. Even from the beginning you made me nervous. I basically ran back to work. I’m sorry about that.
    We went on our first date August 28th. Not a standard date, to say the least. You picked me up and headed to the nearest city. Once there You brought me to my tattoo appointment then to this suave Mongolian grill place.
    Looking back o remember wearing shorts, something I’m not keen to doing. You took me to the mall and we walked around and talked. It was my first real date. I was trying to play it cool. We watched a movie, sinister 2, and you took me home. I remember sending you a text and receiving a text from you at the exact moment. You were great. You’d pick me up after work and we’d ride around until early the next morning. You made me so happy to miss hours of sleep. You were funny. You were cute. You were sweet.
    I remember the first time you held my hand. I was so nervous I was basically shaking. I loved it though. Your hands were always warm and you never seemed to mind that mine were slightly sweaty. You kissed me in the gas station parking lot after my car battery had died. We made the promise that who ever had lost that game of rummy would get a kiss. I lost. “Come with me now” by the kongos was playing. It’s still so vivid. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. You pulled back and I was honestly to flustered to find words, so I said my good byes and left in a hurry. You apologized but it was me who should’ve been sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. The next few weeks were basically the same, with the exception of a few chest touches here and there. I was on cloud 9 and honestly I enjoyed every second of it. I went back to your ‘place’ for the first time and we made out in the bed and that lead to you being the first boy to touch me there. I just about begged you to take my virginity. You declined and I respect you so much for that. About 2 weeks later is when I lost it to you. It wasn’t quite as awkward as tv made it. It was nice, you were slow, and it felt all around good. If you haven’t noticed this is basically me ranting.
    We were great for about 3 months. You lost your job. I was there for you, I was going to help you how ever I could. One day a girl from work sent me a photo of you at a party. I don’t care. Have a fucking social life, cool, I did not mean to sound rude when I sent it to you. You invited me over after work. It was 4:30 am, but I came over because I miss you constantly. That was that last time I saw you. I went to my sisters house and got drunk. You wouldn’t tell me you liked me back. I started crying. After that you stopped messaging me for the most part. You’d take hours, days even to reply. I asked you one morning if I could just take you to a movie. Anything, that I missed you. You messaged me back saying that you weren’t in any place emotionally to be in a relationship. That I deserved someone who could love me. You had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and you needed time.

    Yes. That hurt. Yes I cried, not just then but for weeks after. What hurt the most was that you said you wanted to stay friends, but failed to return my texts. You refused to reply to my snapchats. As far as I could tell you wanted nothing to do with me. You swept me off my feet, slept with me, then left my high and confused. Do I believe you? Yes. Do I trust you? With my life.
    Jeff, we’ve been broken up going on 4 months. You’re getting a tad bit better at messaging me. I pray that you come back. Not because I’m obsessed with you, but because we connect. You laughed at my bad jokes, you liked to play with my hair, you were the first boy to give me these emotions. I’m well prepared to wait for you. Just please let me know what’s going on with you and between us.

    -chimchi ??????

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