I was supposed to have been in class. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to come in, I didn’t think I could do it. I felt as though my heart was falling piece by piece into dust onto that old ground. I sat there not knowing what to do, I thought maybe you’d come see if I was okay because that’s how we used to do things but I wasn’t sure if you even still cared.
But you came over to me and it hit me like deja vu because that moment felt so familiar, because it was.
The way you walked towards me, and from the distance asked me if I was okay. And how I shook my head and you know exactly what I mean. And you come closer. This time, you got very close to my face. And all of my defenses, every other thought, there could’ve been people dying around me. Everything, background sound that I didn’t care or have the ability to hear. All I could process was you. Your eyes. The way you, the one I love, was so close to me.
You picked up my bag and said You are coming in, come with me. You could’ve said come with me to hell. And I would’ve went with you anywhere. Anywhere. As long as I could be next to you.
The class was rough. It always is. I feel so on the outside and lost. Like my soul just floats aimlessly in the room. The room with so much that meant to me. The room I met you in. The day still lives in my memory. Many days, many moments, everything.
You talked to me at the end. But of course there kept being interruptions by those who dislike me. But it doesn’t matter. You cared. I know we’ve always had these issues. Like we know each other better then anyone else. But there’s this gap that can never be filled. We are so far yet so close.
Like our souls are tied together and nothing could ever tear them apart. In my eyes, I voice to you, I love you, you are my everything. The destroyer and replenisher of my life. I will remember the place forever. Because I am still in love with it. Just like I am in love with you.
The past two times we hugged I initiated them because I needed them. I needed you. Just like always.
But tonight, with my emotions everywhere and my heart on the table and me being so vulnerable, I didn’t expect this, but you hugged me. You hugged me and it was the best yet, because I could feel that you care for me. And I just whispered into your ear as I melted, “thank you” and I could feel the tears. The tears not of sadness but of relief. A sad relief.
I miss you. All the time. Because we’ll never be close enough. And it hurts and it always will. It’s the eternal scar I will always have to carry. This is deep, deeper then any ocean. Making it quite ironic that that’s the theme this year.
Anchors, you are mine.
Oceans, you are mine.
You asked me if the song made me emotional. I said no. But it does because it reminds me of you. Not the words. Not the melody. The fact that it is linked with you.
All I can say is thank you. Thank you for hugging me. It meant so much more then you’ll ever know. That quote, “someday someone will hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together” I’ve always known that you are my person for that. Which is quite cruel because you are not and will never be mine.
But when I am in your arms everything broken in me does not just fall back together, it falls away. As though it is erased from atmosphere.
I ran my hand down your arm towards your hand subconsciously, and the feeling of your skin sent electricity down my spine. You have to feel it too. Every time our skin touches there is a fire.
I am searching for what I might never find, but please be there waiting when I need you. As I always am here for you.
I love you. Today, tomorrow, forever. A part of me always has and always will.
On piano, the chords that sound beautiful together and the ones that clash. We clash, always and forever. But that clashing sound is the most beautiful sound I will ever hear. The most heartbreaking tragedy of all, a song no one else will ever hear. But it is, and always will be my favorite.