When I was younger, not even that long ago, I wanted everything. Not just money, power, glory, but ALL the money, ALL the power, ALL the glory. To be the very best, and to be universally recognized for it. But I’ve gotten a little older, maybe a little wiser, and my priorities in life have changed. So what do I want now?
I want to be your husband. For real. Now and forever. I want to share the same bed with you for the rest of my life. I want to always be there for you. Be the person you turn to first, whether you’re happy or sad or anything in between. I want you to be the same for me. I want to get a prescription for Viagra in 40 years because I still desire you so much even after we’ve already had sex 3.7 bajillion times before.
I want to be the father of your babies. All 14 of them. Jk, maybe like two. I want to create them, raise them, watch them grow, together with you as a team. If we had a daughter I would want to tell her to be just like her mother, to really watch you and emulate you with the hopes that she could even become half the woman you are. If we had a son, I would tell him to look for a woman like you in his life, a woman that’s truly worth waiting for. And I would tell him to pay attention to how I treat you, and I hope that I would always provide a good example. You know, the best thing about babies, they’ll grow and they won’t be babies anymore. But then our babies will have their own babies and we get to enjoy them all over again :).
Anyways, that’s all I really want anymore. That would make my life complete. Sure, we’d hopefully have a nice little house, and a dog, and a couple weeks a year to visit new places around the world. But as long as I have you…at the end, when I
look back on my life, I will be so happy.
The problem is, I don’t know that you feel the same way Antoinette. I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, or at least I think I do. That doesn’t make this any less frustrating or difficult for me. But I think you’re looking at this through a very narrow lens. Sure, you want to test me, see if I’m really as committed as I claim. Marriage certainly won’t always be a bunch of roses and happiness. There are other issues though, that it seems like you’re just ignoring. All the distrust and resentment that’s brewed inside me for so long. You may see this like courting, but I see it like being estranged before we were ever together, and its really hard for me to grasp you not be willing to stick it out for me the way I’m trying to for you. It seems really selfish of you, that you always seem so much more concerned with your end of this relationship, whereas I feel that I have been very reasonable in trying to see things from your point of view and accommodate accordingly.
The thing is, we might be working on some issues, but bigger, lingering issues are developing and growing. What happens when we are together, and you lie to me, and it just compounds onto all the other unresolved instances where you lied to me? Or when I don’t feel like you’re supporting me, and that just snowballs into all the times you rejected me, all the birthdays you didn’t remember, or didn’t bother acknowledging me for, all the times I reached out to you and you just ignored me? I have a lot of pain and anger that has been simmering for years now, and no matter how long this plays out, its never going to be healed until we can talk about it face to face. That’s what I want, and that’s what I’m ready to start doing.
Most importantly, I do love you so very much. I am still very hurt right now from last week, but in the larger picture it doesn’t change much. I hope you are doing well, taking care of yourself and devoting enough time out of your schedule to do stuff you like and that makes you happy. I have a feeling you are ;).