As if the stupid dream wasn’t enough, on my way home today I saw a Blue Moon truck & my thoughts shot straight to you.
How you showed up early that day for my Christmas party ready to help with whatever I needed, cooking, cleaning, arranging the chairs, letting me vent, whatever I needed you were willing to do. Not only willing, you actually wanted to do it & got frustrated when I wouldn’t let you help.
I remember the look of disappointment on your face as you stood in the door way & looked at my elaborately decorated table & saw the decorative champagne flutes I had set out. You looked down at the Blue Moon in your hands & immediately offered to go get something besides the beer, something better, because I had told you that you didn’t need to bring anything fancy.
I had actually told you that you didn’t need to bring anything at all. But there you were…always trying to help, always thinking of me, & what you could do to make me happy. But I was always swatting you away like a mosquito.
I wish I could go back to that day. I’d throw my arms around you & tell you how happy I was that you were mine. How glad I was to see you. And thank you for being the sweetest, kindest, most caring & considerate man I’d ever met.
When you told me how much time you spent asking yourself what was wrong with you, trying to figure out why I didn’t want you, even trying to improve yourself physically, it broke my heart. When you got to the hardest part, telling me you actually had to go to the Dr. and start taking anti-depressants, I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out again. If there had have been a hole, I think I’d still be there.
Everything you said to me that night on the phone about everything you went through because of me & my actions broke my heart. I deserved it though. I deserved to feel what I put you through. Not once, but twice, totally disregarding you & your feelings each time. Still running around being that awful person I was back then, even when you took that second chance.
When you told me you just couldn’t take a third chance on me & risk letting me put you through it all again, because you had finally healed, every little piece of my broken heart then completely shattered.
When we had that conversation that night I hope you truly understood that while it’s “the oldest line in the book”…I wasn’t using a line when I said that it was me, not you.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with you. There was everything wrong with me.
I miss you.