• Bitter And Sick

    by  • March 14, 2016 • * Safe for Work * • 7 Comments

    She knows what she does

    I see that now

    When I was young I would see her and feel everything in me shake, I tried to hide it but she had to know. She wanted that response from me. For my system to be destroyed from longing for her.

    I see that now

    You can’t look into the eyes of someone you love and have longed for for what feels like forever and not have the other person notice. You had to have noticed. The way I searched your eyes for the light demon you were using to draw me in. My eyes, you have to have seen the way I not only searched for demons but thought of how much I loved you. I was smart enough to know the truth but my lungs had been filled with too much darkness.

    I see that now

    You are not a good person at all. You play games with people for power or for whatever other gains you might seek. You do this knowingly or subconsciously but it’s definitely something you do. It’s your lifestyle.

    I see that now

    But what I don’t see, and I’m not sure I ever will, is why me

    Why must I have been your prime target these years

    Doesn’t it get tiring draining my blood from my heels and then replenishing my essence just to break it down further?

    I don’t see why my soul longs for you like we long to breathe.

    I don’t see why my skin is electrified from your touch, how can one person affect another like that

    I don’t see why when you say my name everything in me collapses. I have found that it is because my name is me, and you breathing me from your mouth and saying my name from your lips, makes me feel as though one day I could really be at your lips. What a fantasy.

    Put me through hell, time and time again. I’ve grown to love the fire and to like the way this hurts.

    I’ll let you ruin my day, ruin me.

    It’s sick. And I’m bitter about it, but I’m not. I choose to stay. But I don’t believe it is a choice. I tried leaving once. I felt as though I was having oxygen deprivation. Nothing made sense and I needed you, the place where sense doesn’t make sense but it doesn’t have to. For all I need is you. Like you breathe oxygen and you don’t really understand it, but you need it.

    I didn’t know that you would influence me, I didn’t think that you would even try. I didn’t think that my heart would be your biggest sacrifice. Ripped from my chest onto your altar, a Satan sacrifice in the name of holiness.

    You have baptized me time and time again, leaving me dehydrated and weak, you give me just enough strength to take that and more. Each time. It’s a bad game. A game that has stolen my soul.

    Who desires this, who would want this? You may ask. You don’t know, until you’ve experienced. You’ll find me with the baptists. The one who is the queen of their Dogtown will destroy you. With me at her right hand.

    7 Responses to Bitter And Sick

    1. me
      March 14, 2016 at 7:08 pm

      Sounds like you need to really let me go. The last thing I want to be called is evil…. You act like your the only one hurting and laying blame only on me. I too am hurting. I didn’t expect this to happen and I definitely don’t want to cause you hurt. I think we are both in the same boat. My opinion would be we work through this together. You have made it clear that’s not going to happen. I think we could be really close and work at making the relationship right. I too long for you and feel as though a part of me was ripped away, when you walked away. I think forcing things to end just causes turmoil and hurt. If we worked together on it, then I believe it would go more smoothly. I’m not evil and I don’t try and hurt the people I love. I do believe God brought us together, but I believe the enemy turned it into a lustful situation which we should have caught against but didn’t. I say we get together for a day and talk it through like mature adults. I am in love with you, that hasn’t changed. I accept you for you, all of you. The last thing I would so is call you evil, because you brought me a lot of joy and happiness. The chances of us getting together are slim to none because your scared. I’m not scared, I just want to help a precious person whom I love get through this so we can be the best of friends. Its a hard road, but when you truly love someone you want to help them and go through things together. But I by believe its to late for that because you can’t even talk to me. I have accepted that,but its still tough. If I had it my way, you would still be in my life. But life doesn’t always go the way we want.

      Love Always,
      Baubo

    2. Sounds Dramatic...
      March 15, 2016 at 2:26 am

      Maybe even obsessive since you claim that “having oxygen deprivation. Nothing made sense and I needed you…” We as people can live on our own. However so many people feel empty. As you say “deprived,” because we think someone needs to love us before we can love ourselves. Our emotions get in the way and that is why we feel this way. This is generally the case. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I wonder if maybe the girl you are referring to does see the longing, but maybe doubts it. Maybe she doesn’t realize that she’s hurting you or she does and she’s doing it to “protect” herself. To deny her feelings. If she feels the same (which I’m guessing she does). Which might be the case since you described the very intense emotions and wrote images of vivid detail of what it is like. From the way you feel like she has ripped your heart out to when she says your name you “collapse” exc. And like you said, this probably can’t be noticed by just one of you. What about the intense emotions? Do you think that it’s one-sided between you? Whether she is consciously or subconsciously aware of these “power games” might be a clue that she is afraid of being vulnerable. Or maybe she seems that way and you might be misinterpreting it, because you feel that she’s hurting you. Or maybe she feels the same and instead focuses on trying to hate you instead. You never know. The point is don’t jump to conclusions until you have all of the facts. It will only cause more problems and you can really cause yourself alot of emotional pain assuming things about her. Afterall emotions always tend to muddle thoughts. I know it’s hard to believe. But I’m in a similar situation. I had to learn not to let the intense emotions get to me, because I would get really depressed, hateful and even anxiety attacks. However I feel like the person I’m dealing with is thinking more along the lines that you are thinking. I’m not sure in my situation if that’s true, so I’m not going to assume anything. Sometimes we also hurt someone so that maybe they will hate us and then we can hopefully get rid of those feelings. I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. Maybe there are things she doesn’t like about you, but her feelings cause her to like you regardless. That is of course if she feels the same. So you never know.

    3. Author
      March 15, 2016 at 2:58 pm

      @me

      I am not your person, but I hope all works out for you.

      @sounds dramatic

      You know nothing of my situation.. I can’t relate to anything you wrote here. My situation is so different and unheard that even if I explained it to you it still wouldn’t make sense. I didn’t write this letter for advice, because advice for this doesn’t exist. Thank you for trying to put so much thought into my letter though, even though you are wrong about your assumptions and ideas. I wish you the best.

    4. Sounds Dramatic...
      March 16, 2016 at 2:04 pm

      I’m not assuming I only just tried to help with what little experience I have. Besides who is to say that someone’s own opinions are wrong and right. Just because you don’t agree with them. Oh and I explained that I didn’t know…and those were possibilities. And DIFFERENT perspectives. How is that assuming? No need to get so defensive geez. NO need to be a DICK about it. And you can take your “thank you” and shove it up your ass. Enjoy your tale of woe. It seriously sounds like some fucked up tale. You sound delusional by the way. And really I warned you about the crazies. That’s a fact. Just look at the previous comment *cough* I TRIED to sympathize and help. So FUCK YOU! YOU INCONSIDERATE PIECE OF SHIT!

    5. Author
      March 17, 2016 at 10:14 pm

      @SoundsDramatic

      I never was angry? I just stated that my situation is not the same as yours and thanked you for trying to help and that analyzing my letter was thoughtful, just I know what I’m doing and this has been the same situation I’ve been in for years.. And I’ve thought much about it and know exactly how it is. I didn’t mean to offend you. Sorry you’re so thin skinned and get offended and hot-headed real quick, haha. But seriously, chill. If anyone is being delusional, it is you, getting offended for no reason. All I did was thank you for taking the time to comment. So, I’ll do it again. Thank you, and I wish you the best.

    6. @Author
      March 18, 2016 at 5:24 pm

      Yeah I am pretty hot-headed whoops. I apologize for getting so upset about that. I just felt like you were “attacking” me when you said “…you are wrong about your assumptions and ideas.” I get criticized alot so I took it personally. Silly me. Anyways I hope that you can forgive me for my ignorant, stupid and brash behavior. And Thank You for pointing it out 🙂

    7. Author
      March 20, 2016 at 1:04 am

      Thank you so much! 🙂

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