When I was very young I loved you with all of my heart. You were amazing and loved me deeply and I knew that. At around the age of 10 as I was changing you started to too. Over the next year who I once knew as my amazing, beautiful, loving mommy became my hateful, rude, and abusive mother. I was an innocent child and I began to hate myself because I felt like you did. I would hear a voice who would tell me to kill myself because “not even your own mom loves you”. I would self-harm by shutting my hand, fingers, and as I could just to feel like I wasn’t numb. Some nights I would sit there with a hand full of pills asking myself why I wasn’t taking telling myself that even good enough for death.
By the age of 14 didn’t love you anymore and that you were never going to change and that I wanted to leave. At one point you learned that didn’t like some of the things you’d do or say to me and you promised you would change, but you never learned how bad you hurt me. At one point I thought you actually did change, but then I realized that you just put on a mask and that you were still my abusive mother who hurt me so badly when I was younger.
I am now almost 16 and I still don’t love you. I’ve given up on you. I now distance myself as far away from you as I can get so it’s harder for you to hurt me and easier for me to leave. By this point when I turn 18 you will never see me again. I need to leave the family completely to keep far enough away from you so I can lead a happy, healthy life. You will not know where I am, who I’m with, or even if I’m alive or not.
You will never see this because I know that you still wouldn’t change. You’d try to convince me that you were an amazing mother and that you never hurt me which would just cause me more harm. I spent years feeling sorry for you having to deal with such an awful child like me, but the only thing that I now feel sorry for you about is that you couldn’t show love to your own child.
I’m sorry, but I’m not.