• Ansabe

    by  • March 9, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 0 Comments

    I’m sorry.

    I know those two little words seem so empty at this point. As wounds cannot simply be healed by them, nor does it have magic to fully restore this love. They are nothing more than letters now, but I don’t know where else to start. So, I’ll start with:

    I’m sorry.

    I just want to truly apologize because I could no longer get to you no matter how hard I try. So, I write instead.

    I’m sorry.

    I’m so sorry you met me at this moment in my life. But it is what it is. GOD gave us this time. I could only wish to take it all back so we won’t have to hurt but the ship has already sailed and you have already given up on me. And I respect that.

    I’m sorry that my depression pulled me away from myself, from the ones I love and from Life. It changed me in a way that affected the ones i love so much- that includes you. And I’m sorry.

    I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry that this made me push you away. For the cancelled plans/ family/social gatherings I failed to do or attend. It wasn’t your fault. I’m too afraid to create new relationships, it’s a defense mecahanism from permanence. I’m too afraid to settle and lose everything again. So, distancing myself was a way to cope.

    And I’m sorry. I REALLY AM.

    I’ve done things I should not have. I’ve emotionally shut down several times for the past weeks. Communication was hard and trying to pull myself back was challenging.

    I’m really sorry.

    It breaks my heart as I typw this but I have to let you know that you were right:

    I was never ready. .

    I thought I was because it worked for a bit but for some reason I kept breaking down. Then again, I denied it to myself. Over and over. And the hardest part was, after I’ve exhausted everything out this morning, it woke me up to a realization that I am not anywhere near okay. I was too hurt inside. And yes, that’s so unfair. Unfair, even to myself. And Im sorry. All because I wanted a chance at happiness and that I didn’t want to lose you.

    And that was selfish of me. Very selfih and incosiderate. I WAS BLIND. I’m so sorry.

    I’M SORRY TO YOU, YOUR FRIENDS and YOUR FAMILY…

    and to OUR BABA.

    I’m very very sorry you all got entangled in this mess.

    I’m so sorry for my messages which seemed to be violent. I honestly did not mean for it to come out that way. I’m sorry. It was all built up frustrations. Frustrations about being in denial and you pushing me away each time I tried to reach out.

    It was my heart versus your pride.

    And my heart could never win.

    But I understand now.

    Your heart can’t protect mine because it isn’t whole to start with. Our hearts will never win a battle together no matter how full your heart is. Because mine will always pull us both down.

    Haaaa. Grabe. So much realizations in a day.

    Yan ang totoo diba?

    I can finally see why. Why I disappear. Why I am insensitive. I can now see what youve been seeing and dealing with. Im sorry.

    I’ve realized that you’ve been telling me since day one, and i kept ignoring. Until you could no longer take the pain. Im sorry.

    I am finally accepting it. Na hindi pa pala ako okay. It’s so hard kasi its such a scary place to be in. But I have no choice but to stay there and learn to love it and make it my home. Kasi once youre this broken, its not about escaping anymore because the wounds will always be there. So I have to live with it and better my self. But thank you for making me realize all of this.

    It’s not you, it’s me, baby. Hehe ????

    It was never you. It was always me.

    I’m so so sorry for everything, Anton.

    I love you.

    I truly did. And I still do, very much. All the love is still very much alive and it always has been true. Even ung happiness natin together. Ung unang date or ung sa joint bsta ung ano ung nakita mong makulit ako. Un ung totoong stan. ???? I wish I could always keep you but I also understand why you need to take a step back —–and walk away.

    I’m so so so sorry, Anton. I am wholeheartedly sorry.

    Luna and I will miss you so much. ????

    THANK YOU for standing by my side to be both a bestfriend and a sweetheart.

    And yes, our Lunababa is a big part of us. I appreciate you see it that way. It only means you know how much she means to me. And that is itself is love. THANK YOU. I’m so sorry this all happened. I hope you won’t regret caring for her…… wow grabe. waitm 5mins. Haha

    I didnt expect this to be the hardest part ro write. everything just felt right the moment you held her in your arms on our very first luna date sa john hay sa taas sa mainit na lugar. You were perfect for each other. I fell in love with that. And it warms my heart each time I remember things like that. Kaso ako naliligaw. Kaya im so sorry.

    Kaya THANK YOU, ANTON for loving her, for filling that void, that was meant to be my space. For being that Daddy, I needed for her.

    It meant the world to me.

    I’m sorry.

    Goodbye, my sweetheart.

    I love you so much.
    I’m sorry.

    I know those two little words seem so empty at this point. As wounds cannot simply be healed by them, nor does it have magic to fully restore this love. They are nothing more than letters now, but I don’t know where else to start. So, I’ll start with:

    I’m sorry.

    I just want to truly apologize because I could no longer get to you no matter how hard I try. So, I write instead.

    I’m sorry.

    I’m so sorry you met me at this moment in my life. But it is what it is. GOD gave us this time. I could only wish to take it all back so we won’t have to hurt but the ship has already sailed and you have already given up on me. And I respect that.

    I’m sorry that my depression pulled me away from myself, from the ones I love and from Life. It changed me in a way that affected the ones i love so much- that includes you. And I’m sorry.

    I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry that this made me push you away. For the cancelled plans/ family/social gatherings I failed to do or attend. It wasn’t your fault. I’m too afraid to create new relationships, it’s a defense mecahanism from permanence. I’m too afraid to settle and lose everything again. So, distancing myself was a way to cope.

    And I’m sorry. I REALLY AM.

    I’ve done things I should not have. I’ve emotionally shut down several times for the past weeks. Communication was hard and trying to pull myself back was challenging.

    I’m really sorry.

    It breaks my heart as I typw this but I have to let you know that you were right:

    I was never ready. .

    I thought I was because it worked for a bit but for some reason I kept breaking down. Then again, I denied it to myself. Over and over. And the hardest part was, after I’ve exhausted everything out this morning, it woke me up to a realization that I am not anywhere near okay. I was too hurt inside. And yes, that’s so unfair. Unfair, even to myself. And Im sorry. All because I wanted a chance at happiness and that I didn’t want to lose you.

    And that was selfish of me. Very selfih and incosiderate. I WAS BLIND. I’m so sorry.

    I’M SORRY TO YOU, YOUR FRIENDS and YOUR FAMILY…

    and to OUR BABA.

    I’m very very sorry you all got entangled in this mess.

    I’m so sorry for my messages which seemed to be violent. I honestly did not mean for it to come out that way. I’m sorry. It was all built up frustrations. Frustrations about being in denial and you pushing me away each time I tried to reach out.

    It was my heart versus your pride.

    And my heart could never win.

    But I understand now.

    Your heart can’t protect mine because it isn’t whole to start with. Our hearts will never win a battle together no matter how full your heart is. Because mine will always pull us both down.

    Haaaa. Grabe. So much realizations in a day.

    Yan ang totoo diba?

    I can finally see why. Why I disappear. Why I am insensitive. I can now see what youve been seeing and dealing with. Im sorry.

    I’ve realized that you’ve been telling me since day one, and i kept ignoring. Until you could no longer take the pain. Im sorry.

    I am finally accepting it. Na hindi pa pala ako okay. It’s so hard kasi its such a scary place to be in. But I have no choice but to stay there and learn to love it and make it my home. Kasi once youre this broken, its not about escaping anymore because the wounds will always be there. So I have to live with it and better my self. But thank you for making me realize all of this.

    It’s not you, it’s me, baby. Hehe ????

    It was never you. It was always me.

    I’m so so sorry for everything, Anton.

    I love you.

    I truly did. And I still do, very much. All the love is still very much alive and it always has been true. Even ung happiness natin together. Ung unang date or ung sa joint bsta ung ano ung nakita mong makulit ako. Un ung totoong stan. ???? I wish I could always keep you but I also understand why you need to take a step back —–and walk away.

    I’m so so so sorry, Anton. I am wholeheartedly sorry.

    Luna and I will miss you so much. ????

    THANK YOU for standing by my side to be both a bestfriend and a sweetheart.

    And yes, our Lunababa is a big part of us. I appreciate you see it that way. It only means you know how much she means to me. And that is itself is love. THANK YOU. I’m so sorry this all happened. I hope you won’t regret caring for her…… wow grabe. waitm 5mins. Haha

    I didnt expect this to be the hardest part ro write. everything just felt right the moment you held her in your arms on our very first luna date sa john hay sa taas sa mainit na lugar. You were perfect for each other. I fell in love with that. And it warms my heart each time I remember things like that. Kaso ako naliligaw. Kaya im so sorry.

    Kaya THANK YOU, ANTON for loving her, for filling that void, that was meant to be my space. For being that Daddy, I needed for her.

    It meant the world to me.

    I’m sorry.

    Goodbye, my sweetheart.

    I love you so much.

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