The last time we had a real conversation was May 11, 2015. Throughout that time up until now we would still talk, but after the incident there was three months where we were both confused and hurt and didn’t even see each other.
Today, I did what had to be done.
I spoke to you, and expressed how I feel about our situation, how we’ve both been uncomfortable and no one wants that. You responded well, wanted to talk to me. And that was what I decided, if you acted like you cared, which you did, I saw where I stood. But if you responded with a cold short remark, I’d know exactly where I stood and I’d sadly leave you alone after that.
But that’s not how it went, which showed me what I had done by talking with you was the best thing I could’ve done. But of course you don’t know my true feelings for you. Or maybe you do. That’s such a confusing topic.
But something you said, it just didn’t make sense. It couldn’t have made sense. It floated into my deeper subconscious and made everything seem surreal. You said, “Feelings are from hell, you just have to take a moment, close your eyes, and just say stop.”
And that made me think.
What was that directed to? I know my feelings for you are from hell, they shouldn’t even exist. But they do. They always have and always will.
Maybe you do know. Maybe you feel the chemistry between us too. And maybe that’s how you handle it, by closing your eyes and saying stop like that.
But honestly, when you did that in front of me tonight, watching you close your eyes, and think and take a deep breath, made everything in me feel like I was watching my life force breath. Which I was.
Standing near you, or seeing you, always makes me feel like I’m in the presence of something so surreal. Your existence and just seeing you always makes me think about how much you are my life force, the reason I live. I just look at you and wonder if you ever realize the intensity of how I look at you. How my soul just spills out of my aura and wraps itself around you.
I expressed to you how I miss you, and you said you were happy I was there and you missed me too. Please understand, if our conversation wouldn’t have went well, I would’ve broke. You told me I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and trust me, I do.
I carry the weight of loving someone for so long and who can never love me in return. I carry the weight of loving someone I shouldn’t love. I carry the weight of four years of an exhilarating torturous experience. I carry the weight of my heart longing for something I can’t give to it. I carry the weight of trying to find someone I can love, but it’s all fake and isn’t working. I carry the weight of my own self, the me that is dying.
I carry the weight of the anchor on my back, latched onto you.
All I can tell you is thank you. Thank you for giving me the closure I needed. The opportunity to begin a new chapter. The lovely realization that I can now return full power and take charge. That I can now begin drowning myself completely in your arms. That now I can set the fire in my essence free, and let it run wild. I will be the new Adeline. The currents have changed.
Please know, I love you, and if you think I carry the weight of the world, then please know, you are my world.