It’s been three months since we last spoke properly. I have been fine, really. I get eight hours sleep now, I get to work out almost every day and go out every night. I’ve gotten back to work I enjoy, and since I’ve gotten the help I need, so I think I can come back to lawl school next year, stronger and smarter. All in all, leaving that place, I think, was a good decision.
Here are the two things you should really know, though:
1.) I’m transferring.
2.) I think I am in love with you, and it took months of missing you to know that.
I am going through those couple of months I spent in that school with you and wonder why I miss you most, and why you right now are the only regret I have about choosing to leave. Do I miss the friends I made there? Of course. And believe it or not, I miss the library, the notes, the chaos of waiting for professors. But what I miss most of all is being around the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, hearing her voice every day, hear her laugh as I feign disinterest from just fingertips away. I miss studying with you in empty classrooms. I miss you suddenly going cold at me all of a sudden every now and then. I miss watching you work your magic every time you get called for a recit. I miss talking to you about the silliest things and watching you from afar and writing poems that’ll never make it to paper about the smallest, most perfect things about you.
I think I’ve made the mistake of letting you live in my mind and falling in love with the memory of you and how you must be now beyond the stuff you post on Facebook and Twitter. And fuck all of that, what I want is to be able to breathe the same air as you again. It kills me to know that there a hundred guys out there pinning for you, and who are probably be more deserving than I. It’s a comfort to know that I am probably more good-looking and more ripped than at least 80% of them. Just kidding.
Remember that one time you had those compiled digests with you and I asked if you could hold it up so I could take a picture of it and you smiled and tried to get into the frame? I’ve never seen a smile as lovely as yours. That night I realized that maybe I wanted to be more than friends.
But I am a messed up person. You know the night I’m talking about. You know why the moral and logical thing for me to do will always be to move on and not look back. You know how I will always be predisposed to sin and the things no decent male could have the stomach for. As they say in our language, “Kung ayaw maraming dahilan kung gusto merong paraan.” That’s probably the truth. But both of us know someone has to do the right thing every now and then.
Like they used to tease me about, maybe I am a /badboy/. I’ve been meeting girl after girl since I decided to leave. Interested as I am in every pleasant soul I meet, I remain in thrall only to you. Man, I’m going to hell someday. God’s a smart guy though. I can’t think of anything worse than having to deal with being away from you.
Truth be told, I want to ask if I’ve been reading the signs right and if the way you’ve been on Twitter means you miss me as I’ve missed you all this time. And if that is the case I would never place it on you to chase after me, but just say the word and I will be willing to fight the world for you. And if not, I don’t think that would change the way I feel. You’ll meet a great guy someday, and he’ll be the luckiest man on earth. But screw that, I already feel like the luckiest man in the universe just for having met you.
I won’t be wasting my breath on goodbye when I know you’ll always live in this confused city I call my memory.
Yours, more than anything,