• Ant

    by  • March 8, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    I’m sorry.

    I know those two little words seem so empty at this point. As mistakes cannot be absolved and all wounds can no longer be healed by two simple words. There is no magic in them because they don’t fully restore relationships. They are nothing more than letters, but I don’t know where else to start.

    So, I’ll start with: I’m sorry.

    Please don’t get me wrong, posting this isn’t easy. I am not fishing for attention. In fact, writing this is very terrifying because it is my life made public. I’m pretty much unclothed in front of all. But I cannot keep this secret anymore because I have been fighting it so hard, for myself, for my child, for my friends, for my family and now, for YOU!
    During our lifetime, It’s either we experience the struggle of depression or encounter someone who is/was at war with it. I would not wish depression upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. Because depression will pull you away from YOURSELF, from the ones you LOVE and from LIFE, more especially when you are in an environment that denies its existence — believing that a depressed person can simply snap out of it, if she really wanted to or if she weren’t weak.

    Some may try helping out but will get frustrated because nothing they do seems to work. So they will feel angry and helpless. And when their pain is too much to handle they stay away from you. They leave you for their own good. Then comes the hurting again. It’s a vicious cycle that not many can understand.

    Depression is not a choice or an attitude problem. It’s a biological fault where chemistry somewhere in one’s system is imbalanced. Science.

    I was depressed.

    For those of you who do not know, and that’s most likely 95% of all the peoole I know, I need not say details of what triggered it. Because despite of it all, it’s always best to respect and protect people.

    As much as I want to admit that I am not OK, the thought of not being able to close my curtains and hide anymore is terrifying
    But here I am.

    I was depressed.

    I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry that this made me push you away. For the cancelled plans/ family/social gatherings I failed to do or attend. It wasn’t your fault. I’m too afraid to create new relationships, it’s a defense mecahanism from permanence. I’ve buried the word permanence the day It broke me. So distancing myself was a way to cope.

    I have ceased to find happiness in activities or things that I once enjoyed. That includes people too. The truth is I only want to be happy and live life. But dealing with where to start or how to start is always a problem because when I reach that point, I withdraw myself and disappear behind my psychological walls. And also cause doing anything HAPPY is weird.

    And I’m sorry.

    I’ve done things I should not have. I’ve emotionally shut down several times for the past weeks. Communication was hard and trying to pull myself back was challenging.

    I’m really sorry.

    But believe me, I am no longer depressed. I have no grudges against anybody. I am in combat with myself but I’ve found my light, otherwise, I would not be here. I wouldn’t be do brave to let this out.  BUT that doesn’t mean I am perfectly fine— which does not also mean I am not ready. I am. I know what I want. I know what I need. I know what to do. It’s just a little patience and understanding. I’M ALREADY HERE. I may get out of track at times but a quick reset or reboot once in a while will fix it.
    I’m sorry you are entangled in this crazy mess. I have no intentions of hurting you or dragging you through this. I love you for standing by me, and hope you still can, but I also understand why you need to walk away. We are all broken somewhere, somehow. But I will love you just the same.

    One Response to Ant

    1. Yeah, well...
      March 8, 2016 at 6:56 pm

      You are not weak because you are depressed. People understand. Depression can be debilitating on one hand, but also shows that you are still “alive”. Perhaps in time you will be able to show those whom you have pushed away that you are back. They will welcome you.

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