Dear Mr. Blindside-
You dick. That’s my gut reaction- not an honest reaction because in honesty you were wonderful… But that’s my gut reaction. Until you woke up one day and said that this isn’t what you wanted.
It would have been really helpful to me if you had shown some kind of disinterest so I would of had some inkling of a feeling that this was going to happen. It would have been nice for me if you weren’t planning for things 6 months down the road on Monday and then on Wednesday decide that this was too serious for you. It would have been really nice if you had communicated that you were overwhelmed and scared- lord forbid two adults have a conversation about that. Lord forbid you act like a fucking grown up.
Explain to me how we could have a great 2 months- nothing but fun and then all of a sudden poof. You’re done? I don’t understand that! I don’t understand that! My family tells me they think you slept with someone else… doubtful. We spent every night together that you weren’t working… so unless your sneakiness level is 100 I don’t think that happened.
I’m in pain. And I really thought that since the relationship was so short that I wouldn’t still be in pain. But you talk to me, and I talk to you justtttt enough to stab a dagger into my heart every few days when I see your name on my phone.
I’m mostly embarrassed.. My ego is hurt and bruised, I put myself out there and then I didn’t run when I wanted to. I remember when you made plans on our 4th date for a month down the road and I went home and called my sister and said, “Holy shit, I need to get rid of this this guy, he wants to get too serious too fast, I can’t do this” and she convinced me to try and stick it out because that is what I always do… Funny how you eventually did that.
I can’t even blame you, last year when I was the same age I did the same thing, gobbled people up and used them and spit them out.
I don’t even think I would want to get back together. My friends always described you as ‘vanilla… basic… or a wet towel’. Of course they didn’t know you like I did. BUT in some aspects they were kind of correct… We both know you rarely did things that I wanted to do… you would rather stay home on your couch and be a blob… but the thing is: I liked being a blob with you! I really did, I just loved spending my time with you.
I probably shouldn’t have stopped doing everything that I loved and gave all of my time to you. That was a mistake. I have things that I used to love doing that I stopped doing just so that I could see you. I don’t even think you recognized that, I don’t even think that meant anything to do. I stopped going to yoga, seeing my friends, going to spin, all because I so desperately wanted to see you.
And I can’t figure out why I fell so hard! I cant figure out why I still fucking care! Good sex? You can get that anywhere. Hot body? You can get that anywhere. Good looking? You can get that anywhere… I guess it was the first time in a long time that I felt that someone really cared about me, all of me. And then one day woke up and changed their mind.
I should feel blessed… I lost 10 lbs and look better than ever and keep meeting ‘new and better guys’… guys who I can have deep and meaningful conversations and want to talk about problems of the universe!! I just, I just don’t want new and better guys… I want you.
But in the beautiful words of the Rolling Stones: You Can’t Always Get What You Want. And I know that. I learned a lot, I’ll never lose myself like that again. I’ll never let myself fall that hard so fast again. I’m not jaded, I’m awakened. And so for that- I guess I can thank you. Now I just need to let you go, I’ve gotten what I feel out and what is done is done. As are we.
Goodbye, my darling- wishing you all the best,
Yours no longer