I hope you remember me. I was once a pretty big part of your life. Alot has changed over the past couple years, and this letter is not meant to lure you back or anything. In fact, I do not even know if you will ever read this. I wanted to write this letter to try to address my feelings as most people around me are probably sick of hearing the same sobby story again and again.
It started in highschool. It was the summer after grade 10, and I remember my friend trying to convince to come to the movies with him and a few friends of his. You see, I was a shy, introverted kid, and the more he told me about you, the more nervous and reluctant I got.
He did manage to convince me in the end and I went. You were gorgeous. I still remember those long dark hair and big brown eyes. You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in my life. We talked briefly at the movies and then constantly on social media thereafter. It was amazing, we talked about everything from guys to movies to sports to comedians. You were like a buddy, a best friend that I also happened to have a crush on.
We both kind of confessed that we had a crush on eachother one night. It was the most beautiful night, i remember I was inboxing you from my PSP. You told me you liked me, but relationships do not work and you still want to remain as my friend. I didn’t care, I was ecstatic. I just wanted you to like me back. And from that point onwards, we had the cutest, most perfect friendship one could ever hope for. I told you everything, and so did you. We complained about stuff and made fun of things, but we always did it together. Those were the best days of my life, and I cannot thank you enough for giving me those memories.
I wish things could have always stayed that way. I remember one day during break time at school, I saw you hanging out with another guy. It was the first time I’ve seen you spending break time with someone else, we always looked for eachother and tried to spend as much time together as possible. You did eventually come to me, but I ignored you. Then later on text, we had a fight I believe because I didn’t like you hanging with other guys. As stupid as this sounds, I was sixteen and just fell in love for the first time. I wanted to spend every second of every day with you, and I didn’t want you to look at anyone else except me. Yes, I was stupid and juvenile and immature and yes I deserved what was coming, but you were the love of my life, and I couldn’t figure out how to share you.
Anyways life kept going, we were still together, and we loved eachother, it seemed more and more with each passing day. Even now though, the same problem haunted us, and it never really stopped. I guess we were both over protective and jealous to be honest, it was the nature of our relationship. You always used to tell me you love it when I’m jealous, it shows I care. And I loved it when you told me to stay away from girls, it made me feel special and wanted. And you’re the only girl I really wanted to be with anyways.
I suppose I am an introvert, I always have been. It wasn’t too hard for me to block certain people and certain girls from my life because I was never very open to most people to begin with. And your love suited me in that capacity. You, on the other hand have always been the life of the party. The most popular and reputable girl of the whole batch. You’re a peoples person, and I used to hold that against you, and question your love for me. Even thinking about this makes me sick, and I wish I could take all this away, but I can’t. I have to accept the mistakes I made, and accept the consequences.
During the end of senior year of highschool, we had been together for three plus years now, and it killed us to think what will happen in university. I was going to Canada, and you were going to America, and we had always heard from people that long distance never works, and your love story is doomed to fail. You always used to ask me if it will work, if we will make it work. I always used to tell you we will, I swear I meant it. I hope you know that.
In almost no time, the school year was over, and you went to America. We had a fight before you left along similar lines of jealousy and over protectiveness, and I guess you had enough. A week after you left, you broke up with me. Now call me juvenile and crazy, but there wasn’t really any such thing as a break up between us. We broke up once every couple week, that was our thing. Wed fight and make up and love again. And when you broke up I really expected it to be like one of those times. And so I waited.
For the first three months it wasn’t the worst. Yes we barely talked but you’d occasionally open up to me, even tell me you missed me. It was enough for me to keep going. Then one day you left. And I remember the last message you sent me said that this is the last time we will talk. And you were right. It’s been nearly a year and half since I received that message, and surely enough, we haven’t talked.
I still kept waiting. I knew you would eventually come through and let me back in. You were my soul mate and I loved you more than life itself. After almost six months, some friends of mine told me you were dating someone else. That hurt. I must’ve cried all night. I remember I had a final exam two days later and I ended up failing the course cause I spent my next two days crying. Then I sent you a hate message from a friends account. How I wish I could take that away. I am so sorry for saying some stuff that was completely uncalled for and underserved.
To be honest, i don’t blame ya, you did what you had to do, and I gave you every reason to leave me. I’m sorry I was an impulsive immature kid that always acted on emotion. I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what you meant to me and how much I needed you in my life. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be. I’m sorry for causing you pain in every step of our relationship. I’m sorry I expected you to change for me, when the person I was in love with has always been you.
You know I wasn’t sure if I loved you or if this was some teenage infatuation. Now I’m sure. I LOVED you. I don’t even know why I’m using past tense, my heart will always belong to you. It has been two years now since you left me. Not one day has gone by that I don’t think about you from morning till dawn. I have nothing to live for anymore to be honest. You were my everything, you completed me. You made me whole.
I wanted to show you I have changed. I wanted you to see a different me, a me you deserved. I wanted to marry you, grow old with you and live my whole life by your side. I wanted you to be the person I woke up next to my entire life. Somewhere along the line, I messed up. Then I continued to mess up. And I kept messing up until there was nothing to mess. But the truth is, like I always used to say, no one can ever love anyone the way I love you.
It’s kind of bearable during the day. I have classes and things to do and assignments to hand in. I keep myself busy. But at night, I find myself looking at quotes off the net till my eyes get teary. After that, I’m pretty much trying to find any person who I can talk to, about just about anything. I try to find anything I can do to take my mind off you. Unfortunately, I’m not too good with people, and so that’s not too much of help neither. You’re the reason I stopped listening to love songs and watching romantic movies. You’re all I think about. You’re all I truly love I think.
You know what the sad part is? The only way to show my love to you now is to stay as far away from you as possible. To not even have you sense my presence so you can erase all your bad experiences. I know that’s what I have to do, and that is what I will do. No matter how much it kills me, this is the only way to express my love.
So I hope you have an amazing beautiful life. I hope all your dreams come true, I hope you keep smiling and keep being happy. I hope you find the love of your life, and I hope he treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I hope he treats you like the Queen you are. And I hope you never have to experience a moment of sadness in your life.
Chili Mili 🙂