There are times when letting go isn’t as easy as they say it is. It’s not hard either but the feelings just linger on and you are no longer sure of whether you have let go or not. It’s times like these when you are trying to find out why you are still holding on to some pieces even though you have moved on in life. I found out what I wanted him to say to me and the hope that he may someday say it keeps me from letting go.
I knew a guy once who was in my school. I had never talked to him until the last year of school around 3-4 months before the school was about to end. We became friends and stayed in touch even after school till I had to move to another city to go to college. In this short while we became best friends. We used to talk every day either on the phone or over text messages. I stayed really far away from my school so I could never go for impromptu plans of movies or meet any friends during study holidays. He took care of me and talked to me when I had no one to talk to. I spent most of my time online chatting with strangers or listening to music. I had other friends from school but no one cared as much about me as him. Naturally I started liking him. I didn’t realise it for a long time. It was just nice to have a friend who cared about me and talked to me every day. Now I can’t remember what we even talked about for that long. He would tell me to eat properly and would make sure I ate lunch properly everyday even though I was at my home and he was at his. We had started talking because he took care of me when i was dizzy on a ride in one of our school picnics. I was not used to such behaviour from anyone other than my parents and my sister. We talked about my crushes and he would tease me about them sometimes. It was good. I had a best friend. Then our conversations became more on the lines of miss you and love you. We used to tell each other or maybe to ourselves that friends can say i miss you and love you to each other. But every night? Really? Then he started talking about a kiss campaign and I said that it’s ok for friends to kiss. I was unsure about this and thought he was just kidding but he brought this up a lot more. He would hold my hand when we would meet. He would ask if I wanted a kiss. I knew I wanted it but I also felt that this was not what friends do. But I was raised by him to think that friends can do these things like say miss you, love you or kiss and that there was nothing wrong with it. I wanted to kiss him because I knew i had started liking him and whenever I would meet him it would be on my mind. One day when I was leaving, I just couldn’t help it and I gave him a peck on the lips before I left. In a place with lots of people! I couldn’t believe myself. I just said bye and ran. He messaged when I was in the train that it was nice. After then we met up one time and were going by the train and went into the elevator and it happened. He pulled me close and he kissed me. He would message love you every night and I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought I was in love.
Then I got into college in another city and had to move. He didn’t say anything to me about me leaving. I was so mad. It felt like i didn’t mean anything to him. He didn’t try to stop me or say that he was sad even once. I would get angry and just wanted him to tell me that he doesn’t want me to go but he kept silent. No words. No goodbye. I took a few pictures of us and other friends with me. First trimester of college was no joyride. I didn’t know anyone there and the work pressure was too much to handle. I tried calling him a couple of times but he was always busy. Maybe once or twice he would pick up or reply to my messages. I felt worse because I was losing my one best friend and he didn’t seem to care at all. Soon enough I started making friends at college and I am glad I found those guys. I started telling him about my new friends and he still wouldn’t say anything back. I would call him up and cry my heart out and he would listen for a while and say that he needs to go and wouldn’t call back. When I would go back to my home during college holidays, he would text me and ask to meet. He once said he hated my friends when I was telling him how everything was great there and that the new city and new friends were awesome. I sensed a bit of jealousy. Maybe it was just me. He wouldn’t meet me anymore when I would be back in holidays. I kept trying to make plans to meet him, ask him where he was, stop to meet him on the way to somewhere else. He was forced to meet me but he didn’t say anything. He would just leave early. I tried meeting him with other friends without telling him I am coming. I was trying too hard. He didn’t care about me anymore. It was over I guess. I still tried. On his birthday I called him to wish him. I was hoping he would want to meet me but he said he was going to be with his friends. I went to CP to meet my friends hoping that he might call me to meet him. I messaged him I was in CP when I was done with my meeting. I wasn’t sure he would reply or anything but he did. He said he will meet me. He came with his friends who then left. I gave him a poem I had found online about best friends. He was acting normal. We went to a park and sat for a while and talked. He held my hand again and I wasn’t sure what was happening anymore. I did like it. Didn’t know if this was right. He asked me to turn towards him and I did and he kissed me. Just like that. I liked it. He said we would go to this other park and he could drop me half way home. I agreed and we went on his bike. We went to the park and sat on a bench. The park was relatively empty. Very few people roamed around and it was starting to get dark. We sat and waited. Then we kissed and kissed and kissed. We kissed a lot. We went behind a tree and kissed again. I hugged him. I had been wanting this for so long. I didn’t want him to leave. It was getting late and he was getting calls from home but I didn’t want him to leave. He said he had to go but I kissed him. Finally I said ok. He picked me up and carried me till his bike and he dropped me off at the station and kissed my hand.
I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too but he couldn’t leave his girlfriend because he loves her too and he met her first. His girlfriend??? Yes, did I forget to mention that? He had a girlfriend ever since I became friends with him. I just left her out till now so you know how it felt from my perspective. I was blind. After his birthday we talked sometimes when I went back to college. We had a few chats where he told me how with his girlfriend it’s more physical but with me it’s more emotional but we can’t be together. That he still loved me. He would also talk about he wanted to marry me in the future. Now I don’t remember how we fell apart but he wouldn’t reply to me anymore. We barely talked. He was always busy. I was chasing something I probably had lost.
One time I was meeting another friend from school and we ended up talking about him. She told me he told her he wanted to get back together with her (he used to date her a long time back) and how he loved her. This was at the same time when he used to tell me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was so hurt. It felt like everything was a lie. I didn’t know what was the truth from amongst all these lies anymore. I started avoiding him. I later found out he had started dating another girl from his college. That time he was still sending me messages that he loved me and that I can’t be replaced. I felt betrayed and cheated. I doubted everything we had together. Everything. A few times after that he tried to contact me, message me, call me but I didn’t answer. I pretended not to know him. I was really really really hurt like someone had given me specs and I could finally see a clear view of the present truth but the past still remained blurry. I lost touch with him. I hated him.
Over the years I mellowed down. I accepted his friend request on facebook. He messaged me and I talked and pretended like everything was fine but we were not friends anymore. He has said sorry since then. Told me that he was immature at the time and he was really sorry for what he did. But then he also said that he didn’t think it was that big a deal. I cannot trust him again and that just pissed me off. I don’t know whether his apology had any meaning.
Ever since then I have been doubtful about everything that him and me had together. I don’t care about the love part anymore. I have a lovely fiancé and he is married now. We’ve moved on with our lives. But I still wonder if our friendship meant anything to him or was it all just a lie. Every word he said to me is filled with doubts in my head. Losing your best friend if you fall apart is different. But I lost my best friend in this way. I don’t even know if he was my best friend. He never clarified or said anything to that effect. He just said sorry for what he did. He wouldn’t even spell it out. Deep down inside I want our friendship to be real. It was very special to me even before I started liking him. I had a best friend. I just want him to tell me that I was his best friend then; that it all meant something to him; that our friendship was not a lie. I want to know the truth from him. I want him to say he misses his best friend. But I know he won’t. But then even if he did, I am sure I will never trust him to believe it. It still doesn’t stop me from wishing that he would just tell me that our friendship was not a lie.