This morning, I woke up still feeling sick. Sick to my stomach because a realization just hit me. It hit me, I like you. But I shouldn’t. You are my friend, whom I fight with way too often. You are someone whom I live with, and that would make things complicated. You are someone who is, I think, starting to fall in girl that you just met. I didn’t know why, when you told me you went on a date and it went great that I instantly felt sick. But I of course, smiled and started asking questions like I always have. So you wouldn’t notice. Because you’ve liked me for so long, I just always thought you would keep liking me.
But the other night, we fought, and talked, and I cried, and you sat there. You sat there with no emotion other than exhaustion on your face. You gave no indication that you wanted to comfort me, but every that you wanted me to stop crying and just leave. We have 6 years on our side of friendship, and countless arguments. But it was this one that let me know you no longer liked me. Which in a selfish way, made me sad.
But now, the tables have turned and I think I like you. Every time you look at your phone, I know you’re smiling because of her. Anita. Her name for Christ’s sakes is almost the same as mine. Now, I can barely eat. This morning, I felt like vomiting the single piece of toast I was trying to eat. Double fiber toast, that tasted like the wheats that were harvested had gone bad but no one noticed and they made it into bread for someone to eat. Every time I hear you laugh on the other side of room, and I know it’s not because of what our other roommate said, I know it’s because Anita is funny. You only had one date with her, yet you seem so happy. It’s only a matter of time before you start dating, and coming over, and fucking loud enough for me to hear. It’s only a matter of time before my silent crying will turn me into someone too somber to be around.
So my plan is, to be a coward. I will smile, and be happy for you. I will support you in your happy life. And I will be sad on my own. I will no longer bitch and moan to anyone about this.
Tonight, I will tell you “I have something to tell you, but I can’t yet, but as soon as a few months have gone by I will, so just remember that.” then I will change the subject. You may get upset.
But I am a coward, and I will do the cowardly thing and not go for you because I don’t think I will be able to make you happy. So I will be quiet about my like for you. I will feel sick because of you. Until the day I am not. I figure it should take me about maybe 2 months to get over this ridiculous idea that we could work. Once our lease is up, I will try to move away from you. I will move away from the person who makes me happy and so terribly fucking sad. Because who wants to be stuck feeling between “fuck it, I don’t care” and “dear god please don’t cry in front of anyone, just make it through this”.
So when the time comes, and I’m over this. You may still be dating her, or someone new, or you might be single. And once I no longer am living with you. And once we are hanging out, maybe watching a movie. I will casually say “remember that thing I told you i had to tell you? It was awhile ago.” and you may remember and nod slowly, or you may not. Once you look at me with some attention I will just as casually say “I liked you, when you were starting to date Anita, I realized I liked you. Sorry it took so long, just thought you should know.” and I don’t know what you will do. You could just sit there and be confused, you could get mad, you could laugh and be sarcastic, or you could just nod and turn back to the movie. And if the question of “liked as in the past, or you still like me” occurs, I will comfortable and with a little sadness say “liked, as in the past”. And we will turn back to whatever we were doing. And that could be, just that.