• The last time I give energy to you

    by  • February 29, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 9 Comments

    I wish I was the type of person who could genuinely wish for your future happiness, but I don’t believe in fake bullshit. You know that.

    We have a long history and as I look back I know what kept me connected to you all those years. Hope.

    I hoped that all the things you said to me were true. I told you in the end though, that no matter what you say or do, I know you do not care. It took a lot of negative experiences for me to come to that conclusion. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not because that is what I was made to believe. So many times.

    Everyone likes to feel special and you had a gift of making people feel that way. You also had a knack for assuring sunshine, yet bringing the worst hail, wind, rain and shit storms.

    You will never comprehend how negatively you affected my life. You will never understand. I gave up on that long ago.

    Your selfishness sickens me.

    If there ever comes a time you wonder how I’m doing and want to hear my voice again, please feel this last bit of energy and know I’m better off without you in my life.

    No sadness, no anger, no hatred will I feel for you. I will leave you with what you left me so many, many times.


    9 Responses to The last time I give energy to you

    1. I Know
      March 1, 2016 at 6:50 am

      Not to the Author, but to SN.

      The energy drain goes both ways. It comes with your going. And coming. And going. And coming. And going again…each time leeching out a little more heartblood.

      So okay. You go.

      My shiny self will keep showering hope on people who appreciate it. You know what? They have faith in me. Whaddaya know?!

      I’ve got faults. I’m a person who loves contact. I call and text, and shoot vids, songs, and funnys to my friends. Alot. They do it in return, and I expect it of someone in a relationship with me. I also love flowers. I’ve a habit of stopping roadside in terrible traffic to nab a pretty blooming thing. A bunch of roadside beauties will get you a kiss.

      Do you have faults? You admit to none, but scatter blame like a farmer sows seeds. You speak of energy drain…but what do you give? I gave you picnics and music, and stories. In four years you never brought me flowers or even pretty weeds. And you’re a musician, yet never sang a song. I have to say that bugged me. What kind of garden do you grow if you don’t nurture the earth, but instead poison the water and then blame the plants for dying? What kind of energy do YOU give?

      You fingered my faults, delved into those cracks, widening them, making me tremble when you tore into me. And yet I stayed because the love I had for you was real. I tried to have enough nurturing for both of us. To sow seeds of trust between my faults, and water it in pure passion that we might grow something good together. But I won’t bed you if I feel something isn’t right. To quote the British, “Even though you went to the trouble of brewing it, you cannot force someone to drink the tea.” I enjoy my tea with a heavy dollop of trust.

      So what behaviors of yours helped to take our garden, our house of cards down? Did I lavish you with love only to have it encounter a mistrust so finely honed it cut both ways? What are your hopes if the truth is staring you in the face but you choose not to see it?

      I would have shone brighter for you had you believed in me instead of laying your doubts heavy like bricks against the sun. Of course you burned inside that alcove. It was a heated oven of your own design.

      Selfishness? Negativity? Lack of understanding? Look to yourself. You require a ray of light that you might cast at least a shadow, then mock the source for being bright.

      Therefore, exactly as requested here, stay gone. Let the one you professed to love heal, though she has come to an understanding…one her friends had to spell out and make her repeat…

      “SN doesn’t love me.” Say it. “SN doesn’t love me.” Again. “SN doesn’t love me.” But we love you. And you’re gonna be okay without him.

      Someone said, “If you can see the smoke from five hundred miles away, you can assume there’s a fire.” Well, the fire is burned out. There’s no energy left to give and I cannot nurture ashes. So please stay away.

      Leaving me with nothing is a fine stretch of your imagination.

      I understand why you might not be able to wish another good fortune. To do so takes a good measure of strength and a heavy load of either character or deep apathy; no bullshit.

      So… may you not burn up in self discovery. May peace find you. And may we part ways for good.

      It’s time for me to embrace serenity at last.

    2. Author
      March 1, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      @I know: it’s rude to hijack others’ letters. Maybe write your own instead of using mine as a jumping off point for your own issues?

    3. @Author
      March 2, 2016 at 3:25 pm

      Thank you for posting.

    4. I hope
      March 2, 2016 at 5:20 pm

      That she doesn’t feel this way about me. Her short responses lately make me think that maybe she does. I don’t want t make her feel this way. It’s hard with everything I want to tell her but can’t.

    5. c
      March 3, 2016 at 12:11 am

      My apologies for rudeness. I responded that way because it ran closely to how my … no longer my … person operated; response was to the words, not to you. Thus initial statement not to author. I am a fantasy writer by profession and have no problem creating original bodies of work, thus again, my apologies.

    6. I wrote something and my phone didn't like it
      March 4, 2016 at 8:08 am

      Yes your right & what your doing is the right thing to do for you & I actually agree with you now for I became addicted here. There I said it. I could say sorry but it’s past that now. Why I became eratic &’why Peter C misdiagnosed and went beyond a professional
      Capacity and ethics is that was entrapment and trickery which was used incorrectly for its was evil hoe you went about it instead of asking me directly or sending me an email since you the house so called professional which if you sit behind a head piece I don’t hold you in high regard. If you actually knew why I was like this is because not just in heart ache of losing her which is done & over no thanks to your “Help”‘. Imagine if you are losing another parent to cancer ATM & you only lost the other to the worst kind and was his career for two years, then your relationship goes to shit that added distress caused me sleep deprivation which sadly now I can naturally do? What’s the word? Joke we know what it is im a supposed sex industry worker wrong I was a man who saw a opportunity as a contractor to earn really good money in a niece market. I cleaned up. Yes I did get invited for they didn’t like anybody talking and I built these depraved disgusting dungeons. I found it morally wrong and fuck I won’t even go there the contraptions I saw. Money pure and simple they were a customer. Not once did I ever have any sexual moments for I was I a relationship & I pride myself on that &’have never cheated because I see it as the worst act a person can morally do emotionally or physically. Worse than domestic violence you name it. I’ve seen the trauma that’s destroyed families over this & guess who I know did this? Maybe not with me but she did for you emotionally cheated on me at the least. By not revealing you were going in coffee dates with men and never telling me that’s cheating end of story. You are your own energy and that’s on you. I’ve forgiven you as it nothing to do with me for I did give my all & you certainly did not not even close and still I tried for way too long fornInactially loved you and your love was unconditional or anything close. Why did you not go and see someone qualified on a level Perternisnt for they don’t do what he did and play GAMES & hurt people with no disregard. Yes Peter you aren’t as good as you think you are. Here’s a simple question. Are you married? If so how long for? If not longest relationship? Did you settle or find the love of your life who excites you with so much passion? So many people settle? I had a female
      Friend who proposed to me years ago guess what she was worth $30 million and I said no for I am an old school romantic who believe in a love many never find. I’ve had those & what In recently had with her was something else & though she can’t see this now it was there for the first half and no I didn’t change you did for your past was brought forth as you could see what we were saying you couldn’t or would or didn’t want to actually address the one need I repeatedly asked forgot months? To see you more not what you did. Fuck if I didn’t believe in us I was wanting to walk away so many times for you treated equally like absolute shit. That’s the truth. Those rare moments were great but it was less than what people have as casual fucks & I’m not disrespecting what we had wasn’t love it was you never put me first or close. I asked her to spend Sunday’s with me as a couple should but no gym day and fuck your for asking you hated me for that. I asked so many professional on your field for beloved it or not I know quite a few not that you were ever interested in meting my friends as no time again. You ghosted btw. Has lighted me and passive aggressive in nature. How do you like hearing this? I’ve never been called any of this and I doubted whiny was lost 15kg in weight do you junk I liked that? Your depression too me with you? Yeah not the other way around. I was instructed to
      Leave them and there and did I give up on you. No for I’m a fighter and I don’t give up on anything in
      Life and don’t take the flight option. You’ve scared me for so long being here and not saying it’s you. Lying saying you never came here so your part in fault too for that’s playing games and entrapment again. That’s evil! Yes it is. You have two sides two you too. The real loving you who I fell in love with and the I don’t give a duck about anyone and I’ll defend my hurt and it did change you so much you don’t see this do you. I repeatedly offered for both of is to see someone of subtance and work through this once small bump now a mountain you can’t even climb nor me. You refused to seek help as you said after twenty yearsnofncountless therapy none of them can
      Helpe your words. All the drugs well I’ve tried them all. And here you are listening to a man who sits at a desk with a microphone online and takes calls. The professionals I wished you may have wanted to come and see have doctorates in psychology & psychiatrists. You don’t get much more qualified than this and they don’t go on places like this or at a deal with microphomes. It’s good to have a dig back it feels good for once duck being nice all the time. They would have helped both of us and ways in which we could address how we acted to each other’. That’s in the past now. I must be a bad man wanting to spend $285 dollars an hour to see them and I offered to pay for money men’s nothing when love is concerned for me. That’s what I live in life is love is everywhere and it’s our greatest free(sort of lol) gift that I won’t stop believing in. You weren’t easy and I loved that for your independence & zest for life. Your beauty well to me you were a goddess for when I love someone They become the embodiement of love to me & you did shine. Your intelligence, Witt, and inspirational self when you let it shine was an enigma & see how i go from one side to the other is because I reacted to who you were when I saw you. Fuck I felt so alive when you’ll happy then on egg shell when you were mad. One never met a woman that actually scared me for the anger that I saw first hand. Not to
      Mention when you physically hite in the back of the head. You have me concision remember. For nearly three weeks my head was sore.ive had concision once before and I knew what it was imagine going to the detoxes yes my girlfriend hit me! Fuck they would laugh. You meant that hit and it to the back of my head and it was intentional. Don’t worry my mum is a witness if you wish to play that game. Funny hey. Assaulted by a woman. And I’m not short or small. And I’ve done years of martial arts and you sometimes put me on edge when mad for I don’t know if you wee going to hit me again. Men can’t hit women but it alright for a personal trainer of immense strength for a woman and stronger than many men. Lake was top of her game. She inspired me to what I am again and I’m fitter than I’ve been in years justbsadlyni list so much muscle mass through distress. Blah blah blah I’ve talked enough. All the best you who I will always love what we had & fuck everyone else I will relember we once had true love and none of this BS we both corrected as equals and now walk alway as equally fucked up on different ways definitely not for the better for me anyhow as I’ll take along time to heal from this as I won’t junk inn the next horse or start dating as you have for your going to hurt them unless you heal properly I mean that. Don’t have to be qualified to know this. Good luck
      LINS I’m more than happy no I ask sincerely block me from
      Here if you can do this so I never come back to this place that I’ve allowed to magnify my trims and loss. No goodbyes just nothing but indifference and so much pain more than my fathers death. That saying something

    7. Excuse the typos
      March 4, 2016 at 8:10 am

      As my phone doesn’t enjoy being overused on LINS 🙂

    8. Author
      March 5, 2016 at 7:21 pm

      No point in telling people who are imbalanced this isn’t to anyone here. Fucking crazy.

    9. @author
      March 18, 2016 at 9:19 am

      Heart wrenching!
      If I were them I would apologise
      Even though I’m sure it wouldn’t make a difference, am I right ?
      Much love author and good luck.
      That word sends shivers down my spine!

    Leave a Reply