• What Do I Say?

    by  • February 23, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 26 Comments

    What do I say when my actions have shown that I am not a good person to you? What do I say when even if I am not perfect I still wish I was perfect for you? What do I say when you know so much about me without me telling you those things? What do I say when what you say is everything and mine is inadequate? What do I say when anything I say to you now probably can never be trusted because of what I have said and done in my life? What do I say to make you see I want to be better together now? What do I say to bring you back? Please just tell me, what do I say?

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    26 Responses to What Do I Say?

    1. if you must talk to them
      February 23, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      Tell them the truth. Nothing else.




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    2. Just say...
      February 24, 2016 at 7:39 am

      “Hello”




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    3. A Reflection
      February 25, 2016 at 1:17 am

      Since I saw this letter I wanted to say how I felt. What just happened all I want to say is we would’ve could’ve should’ve. We didn’t so what we were is now nothing.




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    4. ANON
      February 25, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      I’ve tried both and nothing seems to work. I just don’t understand. This person has made so much of an impact and I can’t even get a Hello back.




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    5. Peter C
      February 28, 2016 at 11:35 am

      you sound as though you are in awe of this person. He/she sounds amazing – caring, understanding. So you were in a relationship with this person, and now that is over. That’s always painful, especially with someone who in your eyes is so almost perfect.

      But – it also sounds like it is really over, at least for this person. You can’t even get a hello back. So perhaps they have moved on, but you are still grieving. Or rather, you are at the step where you’re hoping and dreaming that things could still change, that you still might get back together.

      If you did, what would be different? From your note, you already knew how wonderful this person was in your eyes when you were together. And yet somehow you guys broke up. You say you weren’t good for this person; other than feeling regretful now, do you think it would really be different? Are you changed enough (or are they changed enough) that the old patterns would not just come out again? So often we think this time it will be different, but if nothing’s really changed, then no – this time it won’t not different after all.

      I don’t know what all you have already said, texted, emailed. Maybe too much already, maybe the waters are just way too murky now. But if you think there is a chance that things could be different, then it is best not be super needy. We ‘need’ toilet paper, and milk, and eggs, and oxygen. Things we need we consume. That’s why neediness can be scary for another person, or a turnoff. No one really wants to be foodstuff, to be consumed, to be obligated to be the savior for someone else.

      So – if you think this person can still hear you, try something different. Like maybe “Hi. I just wanted to tell you something. Knowing you has changed my life. I know myself better, and so now I want to become better. And so – I will stop trying to chase you. If I could choose, I would choose for you to be happy. Out of everyone I know, if I could gift this one thing, it would be to you. With much caring, XX”

      Peter




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    6. Re: A Reflection
      February 29, 2016 at 11:28 am

      Care to elaborate?




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    7. Re: Peter C
      February 29, 2016 at 11:30 am

      Thanks for your insight and advice.




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    8. @what would you Say author
      March 1, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Hello hello, I haven’t been on here as I once was thus my timely rely. I’m the man who responded with “A Reflection” & what you’ve written is how I feel about the woman I love like no other. I’ve abstained from coming here now for I created my own delusion believing her to be here which she was yet I’ll never truly know. This is how I feel & what I’d say to her.

      All I’ll say is to me your the definition of love.
      All I’ll say is your a remarkable woman & your perfect to me,
      All I’ll say is our actions were both reactions in different ways,
      All I’ll say is we both were equally at fault & there is no one to blame,
      All I’ll say is I’ve never held grudges for I forgive & forget as we all slip,
      All I’ll say is being with you felt so real to me in everything we shared,
      All I’ll say is I felt as if we’re meant to be for how we flowed naturally,
      All I’ll say is how perfect it felt we could sense each other’s thoughts,
      All I’ll say is we did this without a single word spoken,
      All I’ll say is did we not both say we’ve never felt such a connection,
      All I’ll say is this love was once a dream & now a reality,
      All I’ll say is I didn’t believe love like this existed,
      All I’ll say is you were the ONE I began having thoughts of proposing,
      All I’ll say is I did know things for I can read people’s voices, a sudden pause, body language, their eyes speak a language of their own, any subtle movement like twitches or sudden sweat droplets because of my past life which I’d love to share with you in the future.
      All I’ll say is I’ve always trusted you,
      All I’ll say is was it to much to reassure me when I did question you?
      All I’ll say is I only wanted to hear what happened that was all,
      All I’ll say is how much you inspired me to be the best a Man can be,
      All I’ll say is when you revealed your past I fell that bit more in love,
      All I’ll say is each & everytime this occurred,
      All I’ll say is I begun to understand why you acted the way you did,
      All I’ll say is your stronger than you realise & you made me proud,
      All I’ll say is I was so very wrong & it was immature of me,
      All I’ll say is how bad I was bringing your past fears back to the surface,
      All I’ll say is I’m so sorry for words cannot convey how sorry I am.
      All I’ll say is I live with this on my conscious everyday,
      All I’ll say is this is why I went & sought help in a clinical psychologist,
      All I’ll say is how thankful I am for without you I wouldn’t have changed,
      All I’ll say is we both aren’t perfect(your close to it) flaws & all,
      All I’ll say is our flaws are so few,
      All I’ll say is everything about you is so beautiful & why I love you.
      All I’ll say is I would want nothing more than to be together now,
      All I’ll say is I am your Man as you are the One my heart desires,
      All I’ll say is You are who I want to travel life’s journey together with,
      All I’ll say is forever & ever till the sands of time.

      Home is where the heart is & to me you are home & no one has ever made me feel this way before in my entire life.

      What do You say now?




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    9. Home
      March 2, 2016 at 10:27 am

      Dear

      I would say all the same things..and agree with every point this is how I feel about you.
      It is as though you hear me, you know my thoughts. I read things on here that I literally wrote on paper but never posted, yet there they are! It is beautiful synchronicity even if a tad unsettling…
      It has been a long road to here
      But there is no blame in
      This place we find ourselves.
      It would seem that Delusional confusion is echoing all around.
      But you shouted into the ether and I too.
      And now we are here.
      You know if you call I will always answer or return if it is missed. I promised you that many times…

      “All I’ll say is I would want nothing more than to be together now”

      Allow this to be real…..

      P.s
      This is a perfect post!
      Once again the day begins to fade, but you fade not from my mind.
      To see your face,
      To feel your skin,
      You ignite me, my love.
      As equals
      Let’s make this real.
      Call me
      My first words will be
      “I love you”




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    10. You break my heart
      March 2, 2016 at 12:26 pm

      For you know I cannot for what you last said to me in clear terms. It must not be you for you would know this as this is the last text I received. I wrote this as my first response/letter to her for this is me.

      David




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    11. Oedipa Maas
      March 2, 2016 at 6:51 pm

      @PeterC That’s quite remarkable, actually. You are, I humbly suspect, unerring in your observations. And in your advice.




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    12. Oedipa Maas
      March 2, 2016 at 6:55 pm

      It’s me again (blushes).

      @@WhatwouldYOUsayauthor I’d like to give a shout out to the Peanut Gallery.




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    13. Oedipa Maas
      March 2, 2016 at 7:19 pm

      (Please forgive me. I’m on a roll.)

      @@WhatwouldYOUsayauthor I, myself, upon bowing my head in further reflection–genureflecting haha–pondered some further advice for you. I diagnose you as: 1) a full-blown Multiple; or 2) an attention-seeking entrepreneur of the sex trade. If you are #1, I am so very sorry, but I am ever optimistic that with proper medical care, you could see vast improvements in your self perspective. If you are #2, I want to ask you to again don your reflection hat and consider that, at present, you have insinuated yourself, most annoyingly, into an endless stream of posts and bandwidth. To the point where you are likely, no doubt, considered by most (PeterC no doubt excluded) to spew forth nothing but pixelated excrement. I, for one, and I can say with 33% confidence that I am not the only one, scroll immediately over your posts at the moment I recognize it is your big pile. Consider also this, if you are indeed #2, that most people don’t expend too much attention to a big steaming pile. Unless it is to remove it. Which, frankly, I am at a loss to understand why the Moderator exercises such tolerance.




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    14. Re:Home
      March 3, 2016 at 6:17 am

      Send me your number in an email if you are serious. I’ll give you my address.




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    15. Re:Reflection
      March 3, 2016 at 6:18 am

      Beautiful..Wishing my person feels the same .




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    16. Indica
      March 3, 2016 at 1:38 pm

      Just tell them those things. Try. 🙂




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    17. Peter C
      March 3, 2016 at 2:22 pm

      Dearest Oedipa –

      …whom I recall in the Pynchon novel is someone who can discern meaning in the most arcane of references.. 🙂

      Your comments resonate, as they usually do with me. With our out-of-control posting friend above, I sometimes feel like we’re all having a nice meal, the dinner discussion is intense and passionate, the waiter is about to disclose the dessert specials, and then some wild-eyed person off the street in a stained trench coat that doesn’t fit lurches to you table & begins an endless monologue cribbed from a second-rate 1890 play that closed after one night concerning the life and loves of Karl Marx…

      Or said less verbosely, an unnecessary and unwelcome non sequitur.

      And ps, thanks for the nice compliment!




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    18. Re:Oedipa Mass
      March 3, 2016 at 5:54 pm

      So what your saying I’m wasting my breath to even try?




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    19. Have you explained what happened
      March 4, 2016 at 2:23 am

      I know Peter C will comment & he can say all he wants. What because he’s qualified makes him always right? He has your version of the story not what actually happened thank you. I won’t go there for its none of his business. I could ask my friends who are clinical physiologists to do the same. See you’ve played a game called entrapment which is playing with people’s emotions. Did you enjoy this cruel calculating game. Did you tell him you were suicidal before you met me? Did you tell him you told me how much you thought you were a failure in your entire life in everything you’ve done a mother a wife jobs a daughter.,..to hear that broke my heart & your flippant attitude brought forth my depression which you had. You said this to me & I stood by you. Co dependent at the first half. I said I was overwhelmed. All your jealously about me seeing my friends & I became isolated which yes I allowed for I loved being with you. Then when I repeatedly asked to spend more quality time when you did a backflip in one day you ghosted me it was me always fitting into your timetable every week and you put everyone else first. Then the lies about who you saw because when I asked who you’d seen for lunch. An old school friend you said and yet two hours later you couldn’t say their name-another lie. Christmas Eve. Dinner with the folks hey. Well I came to drop a present off at your mums where you lived and said where you were. Surprise no one home- lies. Oh November when still together you didn’t come to my birthday not a card or anything. How much did I do for you with no expectations. Like getting your car fixed at the end when not together…oh I’ll pay you back we’ll waiting? Your the one that gas lighted me passive aggressive & you admitted PSTD & co dependency so Peter C I loved her for her & this stupid game I’ve allowed myself to be in has hurt me so much. What would you say if you were told this by the woman you love & I began to question. Everything I am for nothing made sense until I found out what these disorders do to people. Oh I forgot one. When she lived up north she told me for ten years she wanted to drive her and the kids into a concrete wall and end it all. Her husband cheated so then once more she told me she’s done this too. So how do you think about the trust I had in her when things didn’t add up. I did trust her & asked for re assurance. Near the end she lets it slip, no she purposely threw it in my face oh didn’t I tell you I catch up with my male friends not one but many for coffees and catchups. Whoops didn’t I tell you? No you fucking didn’t. Funny I have life long platonic female friends and anytime they called or I wanted to catch up she got so mad and jealous? Why is that Peter? Tell me your professional opinion? She wouldn’t go with me as I said come meet them so guess what I didn’t see my loyal friends anymore. Shall I keep going? So before you listen to one side of the story & now you’ve heard the other how strong willed I was to continue in believing in her when she did all this. I know what the definition. of this sort of person is? I’m not a sex worker I’m a engineer. Ice never cheated in my life. I’ve had a loving 14 year relationship & we separated only because we got caught up with chasing the capital dream. I’ve quality friends, a loving family, I even asked her to come see professional help with me “together”. This answer blew me away….ready. Word for word. I don’t want to see anyone or need to. I’ve seen so many over twenty years and have taken so many different forms of medication that no one can help me. They’ll say the same things over again. Now Peter what has she said to you. Has she spoken this to you? I was so concerned I was going to tell her parents or a professional because I thought what if she kills herself? How do you think I felt for months worrying about this. And then on the last day she then said no it’s my fault she feels like killing herself! Now it’s me. Fuck how long are you going to play victim. Talk about sex workers she pertained the idea of being one. Yeah from her mouth she said this. Her friends did it and earnt so much money & I saw the eyes brighten. Please feel free to discuss this for I’ve never ever met anyone like this. Yet when I saw the real living her she was remarkable. Truly a woman worth every once of love & I saw this for the first half and then disappear and that’s why I held in this whole time because I believed the woman I met will overcome all the hardship she endured from her past. I fell into depression because of this & I tell you it was hard work. I thought to this very second love overcomes everything. I was wrong I was warned to stay away from the psychologists. I have friends that are also work for the government here. Do you know how embarrassing it is to ask your friends for this sort of professional advice? They all said the same. I feel so bad having to say any of this! So fuck you for judging me when you don’t know the whole story. Now for the first time I’m actually angry for someone who’s a professional you have made a mistake. It’s defemation of character if you wish to pursue this further? I’m not kidding here.




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    20. Lot 49
      March 4, 2016 at 3:21 am

      Thank you Mass BS. I’m none of the above & far from it so F for fail. Both clowns behind a screen. Ring a fucking ding.




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    21. Oedipa Maas
      March 5, 2016 at 8:05 pm

      Holy delusions, Batman! I AM flippant! Gosh, it MUST be me he writes of!




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    22. Oedipa Maas
      March 5, 2016 at 9:42 pm

      @Peter C

      Regarding your insightful divination of the reasoning behind my alias (Googles “1890 plays about Karl Marx’s love life.”), will say you have excluded alternate theories. For example, I may perhaps have chose the name, because the character is one of rather lose morals, and I identify with that. But even the fact the I recognized the character was somewhat dispossessed of moral compass, belies the unlikelihood of that theory, or more probable, belies hypocrisy.

      Or perhaps I am a philatelist. Or someone with too much time on their hands.

      Hmmm…nope. Us usual, you nailed it right out the gate.

      As to our reflective company (sheepishly googles “non sequitur”). It is undeed unfortunate not to be of the random variety.




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    23. Oedipa Maas
      March 5, 2016 at 9:53 pm

      @@Peter C. Analyze this:

      *I will say
      *chosen
      *loose (aargh)
      *the fact that I recognized
      *more probably
      *As usual




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    24. Oedipa Maas
      March 6, 2016 at 8:43 am

      *INdeed (instead of UNdeed).




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    25. Peter C
      March 7, 2016 at 3:34 pm

      Hey Oedipa, happy to keep chatting but if so we should open up a new posting thread. Seems unfair that we further hijack this posting. Keep well, and keep passing the open windows…




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    26. I couldn't care who you are
      March 7, 2016 at 11:09 pm

      Oedipa Mass & I never thought you. That never crossed my mind. What i said was your thoughts on me were incorrect with who I was & what I did. That is all & undeed indeed was a typo error, one of many typing from my phone. As I don’t edit. Oh let’s pick on grammar now & how it’s said. You don’t know me & my life, you only go with what I tell you nothing more & if you did know me…..oh but you don’t. Did you ever think I may write to see what you say? Did you?




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