• I love you but …

    by  • February 23, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Advice • 1 Comment

    I sometimes force myself to smile, because I’m with you, I shouldn’t feel loneliness nor sadness. But why am I getting these feelings? This is what I am afraid of, being with someone I love but feeling alone at the same time. It’s like you’re a shadow behind me just following around. I want to doubt my heart, and these feelings, it might be a lie, but no. I kept having these thoughts that I should let go, feeling unimportant when I’m with you. Being taken for granted, now. Being ignored and hated. Everyday, the butterflies fly away from my stomach, one by one spreading their witted wings while slowly disappearing in thin air. The first time it happened I just let it go, for the second time I gave it a chance. But many events occurred now, I wonder if I should just let it go again, keep hurting on the inside, feeling unloved and unheard, not wanting to lose you or should I free myself from these cages that are hindering me from unloving you? I love you but..
    I don’t even know if it’s still love or just something we get used to? ????????

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    One Response to I love you but …

    1. Peter C
      February 25, 2016 at 10:56 am

      That’s very complex, your feelings and reactions. Problem is that there are three possible replies here, let me show you:

      #1 – we have inside each of us a voice that is wiser than we are. It’s the voice that whisper be careful, or the voice that says yes, this feels right, you can trust. My experience is that people take decades before they learn not to ignore it, because logic or feelings can wash out the little whispers. You know people are ignoring their inner wisdom when they later say things like: ‘I had a feeling this wasn’t right, that I shouldn’t do this, but it just seemed to make so much sense’. So the question for you is – what is your wisdom voice saying? Can you just sit with it, abide with the voice/feeling, quiet your thoughts, see what comes up? There may be something extremely important for you to learn here.

      #2 – if we have been hurt in the past, or if our childhood had a lot of pain in it, we often end up pulling back from being vulnerable. We fear the hurt that has not happened yet, we protect ourselves by shutting out, sometimes too much. Your feeling of being unimportant – I wonder if that is a recurring feeling? Does that come up too when you are with others at work, or in your family, or with friends? The feeling of being unloved and unheard – I wonder if this relationship is the cause of it, or if you just carry it inside always like a silent leaden weight? And if this is true, then the place to make changes may be not outside yourself but inside yourself.

      #3 – the best relationships nourish us, make us believe in the better angels of our natures, shush our hurts and soothe our pains. The best relationships can make us smile when we think of them, because it is just so improbable that something this good could happen to us. The best relationships challenge us, sometimes with strong emotions and crashing waves too, but they always contain enough concern and caring for the other that eventually, things get talked out. And when you talk, in the best relationships, even if the other person disagrees or is angry or is sad – you still know they are listening. And when they speak, what they say may contain laughter or anger, but their words are not chosen to do deep and lasting damage to you. If we’ve had such a relationship then we know, we have the measure and the water mark to judge other relationships. If we’ve never encountered this, we can still measure how far away we are from this. So the question becomes for you, can your current relationship ever become nourishing for you? Or will it continue to damage and dismay, will it continue to make you more lonely and sad. And if you know the answer either way, you probably know what you need to do, too.

      See? complex… depending on which one rings more true. Anyway I wish you good luck, you deserve love and caring.

      Peter




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