You were my first love. I was sixteen when we started dating, and I knew then as much as I know now that I will always love you. We were both hard headed and complicated, and the sad mixture of teenage angst and poor communication skills ended our short lived romance. We moved on and stayed (somewhat) friends, but that feeling was still there. Your song hummed in the depths of my chest, keeping you on my mind.
You chose to answer the call of duty. You were leaving that small town behind, and I was heartbroken. We started spending time together before you had to leave and my feelings for you grew strong again. On your last night in town, we spent the night together at my friend’s house. It was innocent and bittersweet, but the morning came too soon. I drove you to your house and I kissed you goodbye, not knowing when, or if, you would come into my life again.
That summer you wrote to me from boot camp. They were short, sweet letters that I still have tucked away to this day. You continued your career, and through the years we kept in touch. Every now and then we would talk, mostly through messages. You would tell me about where you were living, the people you worked with, and sometimes the girls you were into. I listened earnestly, my heart never faulting in its feelings. I was in college and meeting new people too, but your song still played in my heart whenever we reconnected.
I made you mix CDs and mailed them to you. I sent you a care package when you were overseas. I wanted so desperately to hold on to you, hoping that, maybe someday, we would be together again. But nothing was ever clear with you. We never talked about how I felt, or how you felt about me. As time passed I began to feel like you only saw me as a good friend. And slowly, I began to accept that that was probably all I was.
When you were discharged I was living close to our hometown, so you asked to come see me. I was excited and afraid, not sure how to act or how to feel, but of course I said yes. When I saw you my heart leapt into my throat. So long I had waited to see you, to hold you, but I wasn’t sure how our time together was going to go. I had a love interest at the time, and I would have ended it to be with you. But I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be with me…
So we drove out to the middle of nowhere and talked, about everything, and nothing, and then you had to go. When you dropped me off I kissed your cheek fondly. I knew deep down that I might never see you again, and that has proven to be true. I lost faith in my dreams of you and me, and decided to move on once and for all.
We are still friends on Facebook. I have been in a relationship for 4 years and we have a child together. You have been in a relationship with someone for as long as I have too. The other day you tagged me in a post with a picture. You found one of the mix CDs that I had made for you what seemed like a century ago. I smiled wistfully, and we had a very, very brief conversation about it. For a moment I heard your song again, and my heart danced in my chest. That love is still there, tucked away in a place where only I can find it.
It is true that I believe I will always love you. Even if that love has grown small under the overflowing love for my child, boyfriend, family, and friends, there is still a special piece of my heart saved for you. Do I still wish to be with you? Yes. But if your heart is not mine and my heart is not yours, that dream will never happen. The only test of our love, dear, is time,and we are still young.