I don’t want to sound like another stupid I miss you person. Because this situation is so different from anyone else’s that I might as well try and compare a cat to a bird with one eye. No similarities. Nothing in common, nothing repetitive or predictable. A whole other world, a realm of upside downs and rabbits called bears.
But the honest truth is that I have loved you for four years. Never stopping, never even felt it begin. It felt as though I always had these feelings and that they were not just feelings, they were etched into my genetic code and tied into my being.
Instantly I wanted to be your favorite, your everything like you were mine. You were mine to my soul since the moment it saw your aura. I never could be my true self around you, you were God in my eyes, and you learn that God makes you very unnerved and feel as though every waking moment you could fall off of a cliff.
When you work for something for a long period of time, put all of your energy and thoughts into it, you will get somewhere. And that’s what I did, I got somewhere and it was as far as I ever got. I climbed the mountain and saw all of the scenery and beauty that I could’ve ever hoped to see. It wasn’t even the top, but it sure felt like it to me. You see, I felt too free, let myself go a bit too much, leaned a bit too far. Whistled into the wind and screamed your name to the birds passing by.
I fell, I fell to the very bottom. Lower then I was before, lower then I had ever been. I screamed into the ground and ate the dirt, how could this happen? How could this happen to me. All of my work and perseverance crumbling to the ground in an instant. As if none of it meant anything. Because it didn’t.
You can’t expect something so beautiful to love you back. You love the stars and moon but know that they are so far and so beautiful and so much more then you are, that you never once longed for them to admire you in return. That was my downfall, impossible things are my thing.
I see you, I am still in your presence. The stars have faded and my rope to climb has been stolen from me. But it is the same as the stars, I am too far. It is as though you are in a whole other dimension that I do not even exist in. As though I never existed in. Which I guess, I never really did.
I miss you. I miss the way you would sit next to me and I would look into your eyes and in my mind voice every tragedy I could never say to you. I miss the way you would look at me almost knowingly so, like someone who could just barely understand a foreign language.
I miss the way you put on your lip balm which you always called Chapstick and would talk about how obsessed you were with it. I miss the way you would run your fingers through your hair with that stressed look on your face.
I miss the way you did your hair with the twists pulled back when I first met you and I was young and I would ask you how you did it like that because I could never get mine to look like that.
I miss the way you would look at me as though you cared even slightly.
I miss the way your eyes looked when you were excited, or upset, or confused, or tired.
I miss the way you would eat your salad and ask me if there was lettuce in your teeth.
I miss the way you hugged me after one of our long conversations.
I miss you. I miss the you that liked me even a little, the you that cared for me if only a small bit.
Now I’m left to admire the you that will always resemble the fading, faraway stars. That I will always love.