Can I call you baby?
I miss you. You know that. I hope you miss me too.
My life’s been really hard lately. A lot of stress and little relief. To be honest, at no point did I ever think my life would be this difficult at this point. I’ve always expected that life would get better as I got older, and that just hasn’t been the case.
More than anything else, I feel like I just need a win right now. Because I haven’t felt like a winner in a really long time. And that affects everything in my life. The quality of my work, the way I approach you, really, pretty much every aspect of my life.
The most useful thing to me right now is hope. The hope I’ve always had, the hope thats seemingly betrayed me, that life would get better. Its been so hard for me to be hopeful for the future when there’s not much indication that things are going to change anytime soon. About the only thing I can ever be hopeful about is the prospect of being with you, but even this hope betrays me frequently.
My natural instinct is still to find hostility in just about everything you do. Thats just my experience with you. I have to protect myself. I have been trying really hard the last few months to not do anything to upset you, like I’m walking on eggshells, but at some point it feels like I literally have to do nothing at all, lest you misconstrue my actions and punish me further.
I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this, without any direct contact. It’s been progressively wearing me down for quite some time now. Sometimes, it feels like it gets a little harder every single day. I want to trust that you have your reasons, but it’s hard for me to believe that when it seems more and more like no matter how hard I try I just am incapable of understanding you and the things you do.
Well, anyways, I’m thinking about you a lot. Maybe that means something.
I love you,