You never earned it, but I built you an idol anyway. I lied to myself and put that idol high on a pedestal and I would imagine that you were so much better than you were, that some day you would see me like I see you. Almost a year after I walked away because I realized nothing I could do would make you treat me like I had worth, but in my mind you’re still there up on that pedestal. I can be angry and rage about all the times that you ignored me and abandoned me and made me feel like I was worthless, but what I can’t do is rip you down off that pedestal, I still want to believe that you can do no wrong. You’re still my first thought when I wake and my last before I go to sleep.
I see you when I watch the movies we saw together, when I hear the songs we listened to, when I talk with someone on the phone and they pronounce the “e” on “bye” like you do, “by-ee,” my heart sinks into my stomach.
I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to get you out of my mind, that I’ll never be able to see you for the person you are. All I want is to forget about you, but if I can’t do that I want to tear you off that pedestal.