• letter to you and your new girl

    by  • February 18, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    2/17/16
    A letter to you and your new girl
    Dear you,

    Things I can’t tell you
    I can’t sleep at night. Everything hurts. Especially my heart. I can’t sleep without Netflix playing because we used to fall asleep with the TV on. I sleep during the day to avoid thinking about you. I only ever sleep relatively well at night if I’ve been drinking. I am addicted to you like a drug. I am going through withdrawal and it hurts. I quit you abruptly but it wasn’t my choice. It’s as if a drug addict was taken off the street, put in jail, and told they would never use that drug again. I am in prison; my mind and my heart are locked up, doing their time. I am awaiting my sentencing, I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck here. Once I’m free, I will be free forever. I will never pursue another relationship like ours. I know better now.
    It’s so hard to be with someone else. It never feels the same. I’ve tried, but I get upset every time. I so look forward to the day when I can be comfortable again.
    I learned so much from you. I learned that I need to love myself first; to care for myself as deeply as I care for others. I am learning to value who I am and I am improving myself every day. I am learning how to let go of what no longer serves me.
    Everything reminds me of you. I find you in every song I listen to. Even Fetty Wap, which sounds like a joke, but I like him more simply because you dislike him. I think about you when I watch The Office. I love The Office, it makes me happy. But I have to try to block you out when I watch it.
    The things you lack, I strive to improve. Your carelessness motivates me to care more. Your cold and loveless heart makes mine warmer, more loving. Your antisocial personality makes me come out of my shell and be myself more.
    I hope you think about me. I hope you think of me when you sit on the futon that I helped you put together, when you watch the TV that is sitting on top of the TV stand that I put together for you, and that fancy lamp I picked out and put together. You would be too lazy to do those things without me. I hope you think of me when you make mac and cheese, because I taught you how. (Who doesn’t know how to make mac and cheese?). I hope you think of me when you look at your red pillows and red garbage can, because we picked that as your accent color. To be honest, your apartment would be empty and ugly if I didn’t help you. So you’re welcome, and I’ll use my design skills elsewhere; where they are greatly appreciated.

    Things I want to tell you
    I want to tell you that you’re lucky I’m as mellow as I am. You’re lucky I don’t have the mindset of Colin Kingston. You’re lucky I won’t break into your home and kill you because I am “distraught”. You’re lucky I won’t even look at her. Oh yeah, by the way, she’s in my class. Every Monday from 4-6:30 p.m. I have to share space and air with her. My anxiety creeps up every time I think about her with you. I try to shake it off, my medication helps with this. It makes me feel numb and careless.
    I want to tell you to be grateful. You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you need to learn to humble yourself.
    I want to tell you that I love my sorority more than I did before. I’m lucky to be a part of it and I’m sorry that you’re so ignorant about Greek life. It’s an amazing thing to be a part of. I found my soulmate in a new sister. We are one soul inhabiting two bodies. I love her, she is perfect, and she can do no wrong. She’s like what I thought you once were, but a million times better.
    I want to tell you that you’re not as nice as you think you are, not as kind as you think you are, not as caring as you think you are. You told me you would be there for me if I ever needed you as a friend but when I asked you, you ignored me. And if you cared in the first place, you wouldn’t have dragged me along with you during your painstaking heartbreak. I was a placeholder. Someone to hang out with until you found someone better.
    I don’t appreciate that you lied to me. You lied about the reason you left me. You wanted to be able to hang out with “anybody”. No, you wanted to hang out with her.
    I am paranoid. Every car that passes by, I wonder if it’s you. I am afraid that I will run into you somewhere and won’t know what to do. Ideally, I’ll ignore you as if I don’t know who you are. But I try not to worry, because you’re a bum and you never leave your apartment. Do you even go to class? Do something with your life. Go make some friends, ones that aren’t your weed dealer.
    Your new girl does not know what she is getting into. You are a broken human being. You might be able to be fixed, but good luck with that.

    Things I never told you
    I love and care about you deeply. I did tell you this, but you do not understand the depth. As many times as you hurt me, I’d still come back. It was destructive but I didn’t care. I would cry so hard I got sick, collapse and have a breathless panic attack. But I wanted you; I still want you. I’d still be with you. I want to hug you, kiss you, cuddle with you.

    Thank you so much for setting me free. That may be the best thing you ever did for me, and I am forever grateful. I will find my soulmate in someone else, I will find the perfect human for me. I deserve the best, I deserve so much love. I have too much to offer to be underappreciated and left behind so easily. I am lucky to be who I am, and I am sorry you don’t realize that.

    “Like the sun, you know I’ll find my way back around”,
    Me

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