• So harmless…

    by  • February 16, 2016 • Acceptance • 0 Comments

    The first time I thought I might be pregnant was a joke compared to now. Back then we used condoms every single time and I was on birth control. We were actually careful.
    If I had gotten pregnant back then at least it wouldn’t have felt so. fucking. shameful. At least I could truly say it was an accident. At least I could say that we used protection every time, so it was the protections fault for failing rather than the fact that I was just a dumbass who got lax with her birth control pills and didn’t use condoms half the time. This is starting to make me wonder if people EVER get “accidentally” pregnant. I’m starting to think that everyone probably lies about it because looking back there is no way this was some out of the blue how-did-this-even-happen bullshit.
    We were careless FUCKS.
    Right now I feel so scared and confused. I know its not your fault but there’s a big half of me that wants to blame all of it on you. I want to blame you because even though we used condoms at the beginning somewhere in the middle you never wanted to wear condoms and every time we had sex you would use one, but it was like this big ordeal. You would always see if you could get away with not wearing one before you actually put it on. Why did you act like that? If you hadn’t pressured me all the time we could have avoided this. I know its my fault too and when we had conversations laying in bed I always told myself that if I got pregnant I would blame myself because its my body and Im the one who has to be in charge of protecting it. I would say that its my fault for ever letting you put it in without a condom. But why the fuck did you have to drag your feet every time? Why the fuck did you put me in that position?
    I really want to hate you right now. I hate you because you say we’re in this together but you could never actually know how it feels to be feeling what I am. You’re not the one who is pregnant. You cant even TRULY imagine because you never will have to be pregnant. You don’t have an entire society and culture that’s raised you to think you’re a total careless slut who will never amount to anything in life and go to hell for it. You don’t have a family of nurses and doctors who will judge the hell out of you. The only thing that you have to be scared about is your parents and the congregation at your church. Who the fuck cares about your church?? You hate everyone there because they’re close-minded dumbfucks who don’t even know the first thing about worshiping the lord, or what it even means to actually be a follower of christ.
    I’ve never hated someone for being a male just as much as I hate you right now. You don’t have to be pregnant. You don’t know what it’s like. And you cant even imagine because that seriously is never an option that you have to deal with in life. If I never had to face being pregnant I would have also been more willing to take the risk of getting pregnant.
    You can say that we’re in this together, but you’re so fucking far from the truth. You can support me and love me and have sympathy for me and you’ll be there for all of the stages and processes, but you aren’t the one who actually has to go through it. I am.
    The worst thing about this is that right now I’m not thinking about the baby. Why does the hardest part of this have to be about what other people will think?
    To be honest all I want to do is talk to my sister. That’s weird as fucking hell considering she and I were never really close, but somehow she’s the only one out of this entire situation (besides you) that I’m not afraid of judging me. I know for a fact that she would never judge me about this. Maybe it’s because of her reckless teen years that makes me feel like I can go to her and that she might have been in a similar situation before.
    I don’t know what to do. You don’t know what to do either. Before I was so scared, but now I feel numb. Now that its becoming a reality…
    We talked about adoption and I think that’s the best choice. Despite how hard this is I don’t want to kill the baby.

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