• The one letter I probably should send

    by  • February 13, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Sorry • 7 Comments

    Knowing that you have hurt or negatively effected someone you care about and knowing there is really not much you can do to make it right.

    That is has to be one of worst feelings in the world.

    I guess most people just try bury feelings of guilt, one way or another. We all make mistakes. We all have to live with them and eventually move past them. But sometimes they can haunt you, keep you up at night, and make it difficult to leave the past behind. I have always thought that if something you did to someone else is bothering your conscience it is important to try to express your feelings and apologize to the person you have wronged or offended.

    I thought it made me a better person to always attempt to do this.

    But the more I have thought about it and the more I learn about myself, I realize that even an apology can be very selfish. I think of all the ones I have given and all the ones I have received. And they are usually just words. Words to make the apologizer feel better about themselves. People are selfish. I am selfish. Most often the reason we apologize is not for feeling bad about our actions, but for feeling bad because of what we lost due to our actions. We apologize in attempt to get back what we lost. It is easy to understand the hurt and guilt we feel ourselves because of losses, but I think it can be very difficult if not impossible to truly know and understand the hurt or guilt you may have caused someone else.

    This was the main reason I wanted to see you these last few years and why I kept pressing it. I wanted to look you in the eyes and apologize for everything that had been weighing on my heart. I thought that it would help me put my guilt to rest and finally let it all go. But instead I just kept doing the same thing that I was most sorry about! Disrespecting you with emotional and intoxicated garbage via a very cowardice form of communication. It is hard for me to even comprehend my selfishness here and how it might have made you feel.

    Because of it, I have reflected a lot on my behavior. When you really think about it, it is crazy how selfish one can be without even realizing it. I don’t think I ever even knew what being sorry really meant! I only knew how to feel sorry for myself and make excuses for my actions or lack of action, never really taking any accountability.

    I now think about how some of my actions might have effected people in my life past and present. And the chain effect some of them may have caused. I think truly being sorry, does not mean just telling them you are, but putting yourself in their shoes and trying to really understand how and what your actions might have made them feel. And then think about how it have impacted this persons life.

    I think about a beautiful young women that I dated a long time ago. I think about how her outlook on life was probably still very impressionable at the time. And I think about how me sleeping with someone else while we were still dating, might not of just effected her opinion of me but also her opinion on love and relationships in general. And I think about what impact that might have had on her life and future relationships, however small or large. And I think about how I justified it as being ok since we were not together and since I was honest about it.

    Well that was not ok. It was fucked up and it was completely selfish. Regardless if we were together or not, we did have a intimate relationship going on, and I betrayed you, that relationship, and your trust.

    It was fucked up that I never made sure that you knew I cared about you when it mattered, instead of after the fact. That I never Manned up when I should have, never gave you my trust, never made you feel safe and secure. It was fucked up, especially after my initial mistakes, that I expected a relationship without putting in the time and effort to develop a trusting friendship first.

    I think I basically made every fuck up in the book. And at the time I somehow justified most of them as ok, because I had been hurt, and pushing people away that were becoming too close is simply what I did. That is actually the main reason I fell for you. For some crazy reason you kept finding your way back into my life and letting me back into yours. I thought it was love.

    And then I think about how for years after you made it clear that you no longer wanted to be romantically involved with me, I continued to pursue you in one way or another and put my neurosis on you. Regardless if I was telling you the truth or not, I think about how disrespectful that was, how creepy it was, and what kind of impact that might of had on you.

    I knew full well the emotional drain that unwanted contact from past relationships can have, yet I continued to do it to you, whether you wanted it or not.

    I think about how long you put up with all of this and continued contact with me. And I wonder why? The only answer I can come up with, is because you had a big heart and regardless of all my past transgressions, part of you still cared about me and wanted to be friends. Then, of course I went and fucked that up too.

    There is nothing I can do or say to justify my actions. I can’t blame them on you or anyone else. I can not give any excuses. I can only take accountability and deal with them on my own.

    I am not asking you for forgiveness or for you to try find anything else in your heart to give me. And I am not even asking for friendship. I know I’ve blown my chances for that one too many times.

    I just want say it one last time and for you to know that I actually mean it.

    I am sorry.

    TrulY

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    7 Responses to The one letter I probably should send

    1. This resonates
      February 13, 2016 at 12:03 pm

      Speaking from the perspective of a female who lived this I say thank you. Not because I know you but because it is an acknowledgment of how you possibly negatively affected someone.

      In my life, I was treated this way for over a decade on and off. It was my fault for putting up with it. But yes, some people do have big hearts and have a deep affection for those they shared intimate times.

      I think it’s a good idea to not send this if you are pondering it.

      As a recipient of such sentiment multiple times but no real consistent action to follow, it just opens old wounds.

      In my situation, I don’t speak with my friend anymore. They just took too much and ultimately betrayed me in the worst way.

      I wouldn’t want them in my life again not because I hate them, but because I care enough about myself to stay away from toxic situations.

      Sometimes “sorry” isn’t enough – especially when proven hollow so many times.

      (Just my 2 cents. From the other side.)

      Good luck.




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    2. Can you Acknowledge The Real Truth?
      February 14, 2016 at 9:41 pm

      Since your here now when you defiantly stated you never go on any of these sites yet here you are. Don’t call me hollow thank you for what you knowingly did says much & I still forgave you yet not one apology from you. You really don’t realise what you did do you? It would be nice to respond so we can end this now & forever.




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    3. @can
      February 15, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      And why would you assume you know this person? There is nothing specific or uncommon about this letter or response. Unless someone tells you to look on here and read their private thoughts, who are you to judge, accuse or harass?




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    4. Sad
      February 15, 2016 at 3:00 pm

      Here we go again! I’ve been here way too long, to know that that is ‘DM’ responding attacking every letter and response as if it were written to him again. He will work it out eventually.




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    5. Peter C
      February 16, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      There are seven billion people on the planet. Three billion of them now have Internet access. It baffles me that so many folk (see “Can you Acknowledge The Real Truth?”) nonetheless are sure that postings on LINS are directed specifically at them. I would love to be that sure about anything…

      It sounds like you have thought about your past and have grown. I applaud your insights on what saying ‘sorry’ really means, and does not mean. Often people will say sorry and they really mean “This situation feels uncomfortable and I want to be let off the hook for what I’ve done.” But like you say, the real sorry means you accept you are worthy of blame, that you believe your actions were unjustified and that you hurt someone and wish you had not hurt them. It is taking the blame onto yourself and not expecting or asking for forgiveness.

      If you really do feel that way, you can certainly still apologize to the person you’ve wronged. But you can also pay it forward – you can decide to do something caring and decent for someone else. Especially for someone that you don’t already owe something to – where you do it as a one-sided action, just from your side, and just because you want to do something good. I’ve found personally that while this in no way lets you off the hook for what you originally did, it does start to pay down your debt and start to regain your self-respect.

      cheers,
      Peter




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    6. A good Man...Peter C
      February 17, 2016 at 1:04 am

      And in doing so I shall now take my leave of absence. Yes it is sad that I had to write here & I Peter C I was genuine in my remorse. It doesn’t matter now. For my sad sorry state was brought on by someone who is no more. If she told you she had depression, PTSD, wanted to kill herself, felt a failure, angry, allusive, secretive so much more & I stood by her during this because I did believe i her. She can say what she wants. I allowed her to bring on my depression. Loss of sleep. Every week I felt like I was given breadcrumbs for so long. If she reads this that is how I felt. You talk of trust well you didn’t reaffirm my trust. I honestly have never been so distraught & distressed by a woman because till this very day this idiot loved you. We couldn’t talk about issues because you thought you did but you didn’t. Remember about repeating cycles. How is a relationship built when it was me chasing you always since early October. I felt I was never thought of as you made other plans & I had to fit in. Eight to twelve hours at most I saw you & then you were to tired to do much. Yet you found time for your friends. My friends I stopped seeing because of your jealousy of my platonic female friends. You admitted all this to me. What you said about the four agreements? You broke them continuously. I was told to leave you in October before I was going to be destroyed emotionally. That was from a doctorate in clinical psychology & also a psychiatrist. Did I leave you. NO I believed in the love we had & thought she may get better. She didn’t. She changed Peter in one night. I kid you not. It was if her personality changed. Yes I’ve gone to far on here. In real life you wouldn’t pick it. I am a confident man who loves a laugh, draws many people in conversation, great life long friends. I also caught her out a few times with little white lies with who she was seeing. She forgets this. I could say so much more & I need to because I created an illusion of a wonderful woman who really deep down isn’t. She is so good at hiding what she does that no one will believe otherwise. I dislike saying words like this about her or anyone. She was or is here BTW for I can pick exactly which letters & they go along way back. Now why wouldn’t she talk in real life? I tried endlessly. Anger is what I received for it was always my fault. EVERY time. Only at the end when I lost it verbally & said all that I had felt was she shocked. I was then called every medical name under the Sun. Relationships are about both equally committing. IF you are reading this can you say that you did. No you didn’t. You never went without, I’m still owed money! Don’t worry I don’t want it,. everything evolved around you. This is how I felt. I have written so much in what happened, a diary. That was why the psychologist was so concerned. I was brutally honest in what I wrote. When I messed up I wrote that too. Yes what you say Peter is normally right. I have written on many letters that have had great responses for that’s how I feel. THIS is not a lie. Truth. There was or is someone here who did write like myself down to very fine detail. I had to look twice at times because I thought? I don’t remember writing this & I didn’t for I have only written a couple of letters since here. So many times I thought when i read them here we go she will definitely respond to this for it is so similar. Guess what? She did. How I know she was here. I will say once last comment. Yes you did write letters knowing full well certain key words would draw me in. Not just here. Not bad for someone that isn’t here. Why I knew you were lying? Because after two weeks of ghosting me I sent you a text. You replied within seconds asking questions! So long have you been on the internet. Too long. I have now been too. Back to the real world. I could paint a picture Peter & then you may have different views than the one your being given now. At least I don’t wear a mask & am truthful in my life. The letters that go back to 2013? Well guess what when they were looking back there and commenting now, I had gone through a separation then & I had commented then. I wrote beautiful pieces then too. I’m far from lonely or isolated. I’m back to who I was until I’m home & the feelings come rushing back when on my bed because I have stupidly abstained since in false hope. We didn’t do it that much either & my libido is much more. What is the answer when you not getting it in a relationship? 🙂 Enough. I forgave her along time ago & meant it where she hasn’t. I’ve finally learnt to not ignore being treated as such for it was wrong. Yes there are many I’s here & the reason is because why sugar coat an illusion any more. Maybe I should send a letter to the universe on my journal. I won’t as that is my parting gift to her & that’s a promise. No more letters here now or never.




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    7. I kid you not
      March 6, 2016 at 10:41 am

      Is it still you?
      Was it truly forever?




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