Knowing that you have hurt or negatively effected someone you care about and knowing there is really not much you can do to make it right.
That is has to be one of worst feelings in the world.
I guess most people just try bury feelings of guilt, one way or another. We all make mistakes. We all have to live with them and eventually move past them. But sometimes they can haunt you, keep you up at night, and make it difficult to leave the past behind. I have always thought that if something you did to someone else is bothering your conscience it is important to try to express your feelings and apologize to the person you have wronged or offended.
I thought it made me a better person to always attempt to do this.
But the more I have thought about it and the more I learn about myself, I realize that even an apology can be very selfish. I think of all the ones I have given and all the ones I have received. And they are usually just words. Words to make the apologizer feel better about themselves. People are selfish. I am selfish. Most often the reason we apologize is not for feeling bad about our actions, but for feeling bad because of what we lost due to our actions. We apologize in attempt to get back what we lost. It is easy to understand the hurt and guilt we feel ourselves because of losses, but I think it can be very difficult if not impossible to truly know and understand the hurt or guilt you may have caused someone else.
This was the main reason I wanted to see you these last few years and why I kept pressing it. I wanted to look you in the eyes and apologize for everything that had been weighing on my heart. I thought that it would help me put my guilt to rest and finally let it all go. But instead I just kept doing the same thing that I was most sorry about! Disrespecting you with emotional and intoxicated garbage via a very cowardice form of communication. It is hard for me to even comprehend my selfishness here and how it might have made you feel.
Because of it, I have reflected a lot on my behavior. When you really think about it, it is crazy how selfish one can be without even realizing it. I don’t think I ever even knew what being sorry really meant! I only knew how to feel sorry for myself and make excuses for my actions or lack of action, never really taking any accountability.
I now think about how some of my actions might have effected people in my life past and present. And the chain effect some of them may have caused. I think truly being sorry, does not mean just telling them you are, but putting yourself in their shoes and trying to really understand how and what your actions might have made them feel. And then think about how it have impacted this persons life.
I think about a beautiful young women that I dated a long time ago. I think about how her outlook on life was probably still very impressionable at the time. And I think about how me sleeping with someone else while we were still dating, might not of just effected her opinion of me but also her opinion on love and relationships in general. And I think about what impact that might have had on her life and future relationships, however small or large. And I think about how I justified it as being ok since we were not together and since I was honest about it.
Well that was not ok. It was fucked up and it was completely selfish. Regardless if we were together or not, we did have a intimate relationship going on, and I betrayed you, that relationship, and your trust.
It was fucked up that I never made sure that you knew I cared about you when it mattered, instead of after the fact. That I never Manned up when I should have, never gave you my trust, never made you feel safe and secure. It was fucked up, especially after my initial mistakes, that I expected a relationship without putting in the time and effort to develop a trusting friendship first.
I think I basically made every fuck up in the book. And at the time I somehow justified most of them as ok, because I had been hurt, and pushing people away that were becoming too close is simply what I did. That is actually the main reason I fell for you. For some crazy reason you kept finding your way back into my life and letting me back into yours. I thought it was love.
And then I think about how for years after you made it clear that you no longer wanted to be romantically involved with me, I continued to pursue you in one way or another and put my neurosis on you. Regardless if I was telling you the truth or not, I think about how disrespectful that was, how creepy it was, and what kind of impact that might of had on you.
I knew full well the emotional drain that unwanted contact from past relationships can have, yet I continued to do it to you, whether you wanted it or not.
I think about how long you put up with all of this and continued contact with me. And I wonder why? The only answer I can come up with, is because you had a big heart and regardless of all my past transgressions, part of you still cared about me and wanted to be friends. Then, of course I went and fucked that up too.
There is nothing I can do or say to justify my actions. I can’t blame them on you or anyone else. I can not give any excuses. I can only take accountability and deal with them on my own.
I am not asking you for forgiveness or for you to try find anything else in your heart to give me. And I am not even asking for friendship. I know I’ve blown my chances for that one too many times.
I just want say it one last time and for you to know that I actually mean it.
I am sorry.