• Dear Hope

    by  • February 13, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 6 Comments

    I admire your tenacity. Your ability to keep picking us up in order to keep carrying on in the face of factors that should cripple us and leave us crawling in the dirt. You are a wonderful part of my existence.

    But…

    In this particular area you are slowly killing me. Your persistence in believing there is something to feel happy and optimistic about, and trying to find the tiniest sliver of evidence that will lead to me supporting your faith that all will turn out as I desire just leads to me feeling crushed time and again when all the other evidence tells me otherwise.

    I cannot keep swinging from high to low and back again in an never-ending cycle. It is terrible for my emotional, mental and physical health. This is a hunger that will never be satisfied, and I need to accept that.

    Please leave me be to grieve for what I cannot have. Just leave me down here in the dirt. Let me bury this desire, and all the delusions I have built upon it. Then we can finally leave it behind and carry on pursuing life’s adventures together.

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    6 Responses to Dear Hope

    1. @Hope Faith Belief In You
      February 13, 2016 at 5:59 pm

      As you look left you will see me once waist deep & now have dug myself out shovel in hands digging the dirt that surrounds yours as I’ve been right next to you this entire time. My intentions for you have been authentic. Yes I’ve said words that shouldn’t have been spoken, only in frustration of missing you. The silence was killing me for you’ve had my heart the entire time & I dislike the cycle you speak of. This cycle would’ve never happened if we communicated openly. I counted my thoughts in the wrong manner & you withheld yours. We could have easily stopped this cycle & still can. I can prove this easily. That’s a promise & this’ll never happen again. For ill never come here or speak with a filter. If only you could see for yourself in reality. Please believe in me as I you. This time apart, it’s been you who’s given me hope in believing we are everything we both dreamed of. Would you consider talking to me face to face & if your not happy or convinced I’ll honour your wish?




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    2. k
      February 14, 2016 at 12:32 pm

      “Love’s merciless, the way it travels in and keeps emitting light.”




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    3. Pecisely
      February 14, 2016 at 9:50 pm

      Quote by Kim Addonizio.




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    4. Hello Hope!
      February 16, 2016 at 9:07 am

      It is beautifully written, insightful, heartfelt, special prose like yours that keeps me coming back here for more. I thought about your plight and keep on thinking about it.

      Please be very careful when casting Hope aside, for Depression may become her replacement. At times, to be irrationally optimistic, or hopeful against all the most obvious odds is the better approach in the long run. Once you fall into a depression it can be tough to pull yourself out of it.

      The world around you will pick up on your positive attitude, gravitate towards you, you very well could be attracting a new lovely person into your life. You just never know…. says the ridiculously optimistic dreamer that is me.

      Wishing you the best of luck and may all your wishes come true!




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    5. author @Hello Hope!
      February 17, 2016 at 8:29 am

      Thank you for your words. It has been four years. Each time I’ve turned aside from Hope I have suffered the Depression that you speak of, not survived at all well in that mode, then turned back to Hope for the situation. In the meantime, my love for him has become so obscured by obsession and compulsion that I can’t even be sure that the real thing exists any more underneath it. If I’m to have the chance to keep him in my life as a friend, I need to give up the hope of ever being his lover, because it’s not fair on either of us for me to carry around the resentment and frustration that has built up in me from not being allowed to have him in that capacity. Though I try hard not to bring that into our interactions, I worry that, deep down, even the most innocent and loving of my actions toward him are prompted or clouded by anger and longing.

      If that schism between how I act and how I feel didn’t exist, I wouldn’t suffer so terribly, but I would suffer the unthinkable result of not having him in my life in any capacity. I know that because I tried being honest and that only made things difficult for both of us, prompting him to somewhat distance himself, which hurt him almost as much as me. I haven’t even mentioned how much this is negatively affecting other relationships in my life, ones that should be deeper and stronger than they are, but that are getting further and further away from me while my attention is turned where it shouldn’t be.

      So I just need my Hope to concentrate on something and someone else for long enough to stimulate a lasting switch of attention to something more healthy, and let the chips fall where they may in regards to what has become a sad and troublesome area of my life. I can’t see any other way for me – and him – to be free of it.




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    6. @author @Hello Hope
      February 19, 2016 at 9:42 am

      From your words it appears that perhaps it might be helpful if you were to go on a ‘self-discovery’ with regards to your relationship attachment styles, to learn about your psyche a little bit, you say you are obbsessive and compulsive, there could be the potential of an early childhood trauma (narcissistic parent/sibling, a parent who didn’t respect your boundaries by sharing their grief/problems etc) that caused you to become what’s known as ‘co-dependent’. Instead of focussing on this guy, who btw isn’t going anywhere, is open to a friendship so he will always be somewhat available to you, focus on yourself, learn why you have such a hard time letting go of a person who doesn’t want you, make new friends, go on a healthy diet, excersise etc, all stuff that will make you feel good. And do take a break from the guy, go no contact, not forever but just to get some perspective and maybe evolve as a person. And you just never know what will happen in the future with your friend … you just never know … Do use your time wisely, don’t waste it mourning a man who doesn’t want you.




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