My dearest Daniel,
So here we are almost 5 years since we said our goodbyes. It’s funny how sometimes it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen your face and other times it was just yesterday. I can still remember every detail of you. Your long reddish blond lashes, the way the corners of your mouth curled up, your endless freckles, and the way I would trace my own personal constellations out of the scars on your back. The roughness of your hands, yet your gentle touch. I can’t forget to mention your eyes. God, your eyes. They were a window to the most beautiful soul I have ever known. Even on your darkest days, behind the tears and woes of everyday life, was the brightest light I have ever known.
I don’t know if I believe in soulmates, but if there was such a thing you were mine. At the least I believe that our souls had known each other long before our bodies did.
I have spent the better part of five years wondering why it all ended. I already know the answer. Drugs. It tore us apart until there was literally no choice. It’s not that there was nothing left, or lack of love. It was that it literally robbed us of any future we could ever have. I sometimes wonder if I could do it all over again if I would, and I always come to the same conclusion. Yes.
I would have rather loved as fiercely as I did and lost it, than to never have experienced it.
Since we parted, I have found love again. I married and am happy. Just in a different way than I would have been with you. (That’s the problem with loosing such a great love, you will compare it to everyone and everything.) I have had 2 beautiful children that fill my heart with a happiness that I didn’t know could exist.
Yet, I am still haunted by you. Mostly at night when the house is quiet and kids are asleep and I’m alone with my thoughts. You slip in. You fill my head with memories of us in happier times. I hear your voice. I can feel your arms. The way we would laugh together. I see you in my dreams. I used to find comfort in our “nightly visits”. Now I just feel tortured. I want so badly to find happiness in my life right now, but the ghost of you keeps dragging me back to our past. How am I supposed to live in the present if I am still dancing with skeletons?
I needed to write this to you Daniel, because once again I need to let you go. I need to let go of the fear of something happening to you. Of wondering if you’re OK. If you’re ever going to find someone who makes you happy. The fear that consumed me then and still consumes me now. My happiness depends on it.
So I’ve thought long and hard about what I would say if I got to see you one last time and here it is:
Thank you for loving me as unconditionally and loyally as you did. Thank you for keeping me safe when at that time we were surrounded with people who could have harmed us. Thank you for not only excepting all of my flaws but finding beauty in them. Thank you for teaching me that a love like Romeo and Juliet or Bonnie and Clyde really exists. Thank you for every lesson you’ve ever taught me. The good and the bad. Thank you for never shying away from affection or making me feel unwanted. Thank you for showing me all of the beauty in the little things in life. Your positive outlook even through the toughest times a person could face. Your friendship. Your unwavering love for your family. Your HUGE heart and even bigger head. Your determination and strength. I saw something in you that I only wish you could see in yourself. You are worthy, you are important, even if it’s just to me. You are the strongest person I know… or knew…. You deserve to find happiness and peace and I hope one day you will. I’m convinced the times that I love you more than any other person on the planet ever could. So take care of yourself. I love you. I forgive you. I hope that one day in another life that our souls will meet again.
Forever in my heart,
Your little foot.