Nobody ever told me about the beautiful things that could hurt you, weaving between time and space and reigning over the darkest of other worlds. I feel so stupid for having such intense and blind faith in whatever Divine I always believed in. My faith just convinced me that anything with divine light was worth listening to. Was worth my patience, worth my respect. How could I ever think I knew better than they would? I believed with all my heart that nothing so terrible could ever happen to me. I felt it with me at all times, this divine light.
I should have been more cautious of beings that came to me. While it might be true that I had never sought out anything dark, anything evil, I should have believed in my own power. I should have believed that I had something inside of me that somebody else would want to take or use. I should have listened to the ones who warned me that someone would seek me out and destroy me one day, I just didn’t think that what would destroy me could be so divinely and blindingly blissful and beautiful.
I trusted him because he seemed like an angel. He seemed light and good and when he found me, he showed me a secret that he said would help me end the pain I was suffering. He showed me the beauty and magnificence of what this secret would do to the world if all the right things fell into place. He told me I had to find someone specific. He didn’t give me a name, just gave me what I would need to find him. He showed me 8 people who could help make the world more beautiful and divine, and all I had to do was find one of these people and let fate happen. All I had to do was find someone and he said the pain would stop. Someone I was supposed to find anyway, but know I knew the importance of his role and I knew what would be gained or lost if I succeeded or failed…. I was stupid to agree to the conditions he presented, but it just seemed so unrealistic that I would fail. It seemed crazy that this person I was supposed to find who would help me create such divinity and beauty in the world would ever hurt me or let anyone else hurt me.
He told me if I was worth the pain stopping, if the person I found saw any good in me, then I would be free. A bond would form completely and both of our lights would shine and make us happy. I would have everything I could ever dream of or hope for, I could cause that in someone else’s life, and the butterfly effect on the universe as a result was the most blindingly beautiful thing I had ever seen… 8 options I had. I could choose one by starting the bond with one of them… But he also said that if I failed and let anything happen to diminish my divine light, I would suffer horrible consequences in a place I think is very much what Hell must be based off of. If not that, then a hellish world nonetheless.
8 options I had to look at for what seemed like not enough time. I looked at their lights and the effects we could create together, and I of course was drawn to the one with the enormous beautiful effect on the world…. The one that would help me shift everything and cause humans to become something so much better. Something they were meant to do. If I was going to find one of these 8 people anyway, I wanted to find that one. Why wouldn’t I? Why would I seek the ones whose light would eventually fade away? It seemed so easy, all I had to do was find him and surely if he was the other piece that would help me create that just by feeling and what would come from that, surely he wouldn’t hurt me. All I had to do was find one of the 8 who would not hurt me and bond with them completely. If I failed to complete this bond, if I failed to love unconditionally as a result, I would suffer by returning to a hellish world that constantly seems like my own personal battlefield. My own cage designed to feed off of my worst fears and desires and turn them all against me like monsters eating away at my soul. I would have to survive that to get another chance at creating that beauty again…. And he made it very clear that the chances of getting through it in as many pieces as I came in with were very small.
I agreed to it. I wanted to find that and I thought it would be okay because I really believed that as long as I thought the best of people, always saw the light in them, always did what I could do help encourage someone’s inner light to shine, and always had my faith and love for the world and the divine then nothing so bad could happen to me.
I didn’t realize though until after years of using my gifts to jump across time and space, years of ruling out people and facing my own demons and battles, years of conquering each new world and trying to master each reality with only what was inside of me; I didn’t realize that I was set up to fail to begin with. The angelic being who made me this contract had known which one of those 8 people I would choose to find, and knew who that person was and what that person did. He knew the situation he was leading me into and he knew that I would get hurt just by what would happen when I found him… before I had the chance to complete any bond or even really figure out and understand everything that was happening. He knew that if I failed as a result of the pain that I would suffer from this, he knew that when I failed from this, I wouldn’t be able to complete my agreement. Even worse, I would lose my gifts that had helped me get through it all and I would return to his grasps, because he was the one reigning over this hellish world. It was all his design. He knew what was fated or was possible at least, knew who I would try to find, and he took complete advantage of it. He knew I was going through my Dark Night of the Soul and wouldn’t be able to contact or get help from anyone else. He knew that I would struggle with keeping myself in one piece after all of that.
He used my biggest spiritual dreams and fears to trap me…. After I fought so hard to get here and become completely good again. I had already been punished and I had already been through hell. I didn’t think I would get led into something like that ever again. I didn’t want to make bad decisions, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to become one with the divine and create a beautiful world where everyone had a chance at obtaining that kind of happiness that I saw in one of those 8 possibilities. I thought that if my intentions and light were pure I could achieve that because I knew once I had seen it, I knew I could never stop chasing that.
And now, I am sitting here, after I gave up every opportunity at escaping this because I didn’t know for the first time in my life what would happen before it happened, feeling lost and empty and like that light has been drained from me. What is worse, I think, than the realization of everything I did to try and succeed and managed to still somehow fail anyway, worse than being taken advantage of, and worse than the thought of returning to that hellish world of nightmares, is that I think that demented being really believed that when I got to this point, I would shut out the light that I had left and close my heart completely so that I would be able to get through hell easier. I think he believed that after walking through both light and darkness, tasting them both, I would make a decision to turn it all off and become something much darker for much longer. I think he believed that after playing on all of my worst fears and biggest dreams I would become something darker.
Maybe I do feel darker. Maybe I do feel like some of the divinity I once held so dearly has abandoned me. Maybe I feel like I don’t even deserve to experience that. But in the end, I just can’t let him win that way. I won’t become something darker like he wants me to be. I won’t shut out what little light I have left if I ever manage to get any of it back because that would mean I would be poisoning someone else’s soul at some point down the line, maybe in some distant future or life, and I would never wish that upon anyone. I would never give up completely because I’m not the only one I was fighting for. I wasn’t just trying to save myself, I was trying to create something beautiful that would bring ultimate happiness to someone else. It wasn’t just for me. I was just the stupid one who walked right into a trap thinking I couldn’t get more hurt from it than I already had been.
I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t forgive myself for this, but I will forgive the ones here who hurt me. I can’t hold that against anyone else. Not after seeing what divinity was able to come forth from someone…. Even if I’m not going to experience it or create it. If I’m not the one, then I really hope this person finds something else that will make him feel even close to that. I hope he finds everything he ever wanted. I won’t darken my heart any further with hate. I may have to return to the darkness one day since I am failing, but I will never give up the war. I have just lost this battle after winning a thousand. I won’t be a prisoner of war forever. I will keep trying eventually, maybe in another life somewhere far away if I’ve escaped the darkness again. I will fight for this world because there are so many in it who can’t fight for themselves and so many who couldn’t make it through what I have in one piece. If I have walked through hell once before and made it out with the ability to let all of this pain keep me fighting instead of giving up, I can walk through hell a few more times if it means eventually finding a way to cause that divinity in the world. No matter how long it takes me.