• I’m an Idiot

    by  • February 10, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 0 Comments

    J~

    This is the stupidest little thing, but I will never forget the night you posted “Xxx thinks you’re great” on my FB wall.

    Tonight, I’ve been reading emails from you sent over the years that were left unread. I never even read the one where you told me you wanted us to talk civilly. Less than 2 months after that fight. If I had of just quit being so hostile & read that….

    You tried at least twice a year for 4 years to get us to talk in one way or another. I am a horrible person. I was horrible to you. And I won’t ever forgive myself for every horrible, hateful, & spiteful word I ever said, text, or emailed to you.

    Maybe the last Christmas you tried to contact me again, it was my subconscious playing games because it knew from the past that you, in fact, are too good for me.

    Now that I know there will be no more of you trying to get me to interact with you in any way, and why….I’m pretty sad.

    But I’ve also realized that I deserved for you to finally choose to not try in some way to be a part of my life ever again.

    What if….what if….what if….what if…. One “what if” for each year I messed up.

    I’m very happy you finally have your family back. But, I think I’ll go sit outside & cry for a while.

    It hit too deeply. I cut too deeply too. You shouldn’t be able to do this to me anymore.. not anymore.

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