• Letter to the woman I {probably} haven’t met.

    by  • February 5, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Doubt • 3 Comments

    I’m trying to become more optimistic.

    More positive.

    It’s difficult to do when you’ve lived in the gloom and doom of failure and mediocrity. But I don’t believe in giving up.

    I’m trying to tell myself that I can, rather than I can’t. Trying to stop defeating myself before I’ve really gotten started.

    It’s tough when you’re middle-aged.

    I have a few dreams that I must fulfill. Yet one of those dreams is always in question: when, if ever, will I meet you?

    That question burns through my every though. It jerks me away from things I should be focused on. Why am I so worried?!?!

    I don’t know if it’s just because I’m lonely or if it’s because I’ve made meeting you a goal.

    Still…when?

    When I’m financially secure? When {and if} I move to a more prosperous location? When my children are fully grown?

    Questions like those, burning through my thoughts, keep me in this gloom and doom! They make me feel not so alive. I’m not being ME and I’m not doing what I NEED to.

    I think “am I just going to end up being a crazy snake man?” * I’m allergic to cats!*. But in the grand scheme of things that is exactly what I want! To continue with my education and become ME: a seasoned field/museum grade herpetologist! I’d just…really…like…for you to be there with me. Engulfed in a squirming, slithering miasma of chaotic reptilian beauty. Is that too much?

    Maybe I am meant to be alone. It’s my dream after all. Maybe it’s supposed to be just for me. Maybe it’s just plain crazy and I need to speak with a professional.

    There’s just so much that I want to do and I don’t want to do it alone. I think I deserve a special woman in my life, just as every person deserves someone special.

    But then again…I’m middle aged and I’m struggling in this modern world with my middle aged perceptions.

    Maybe I’m just a dinosaur. I hope not.

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    3 Responses to Letter to the woman I {probably} haven’t met.

    1. Peter C
      February 5, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      Hi. You might also title your note as “letters to all those who would have become my one true love…if I had known.”

      It’s not about when you will meet her. It’s about having already met her, many times and in many guises, and never having dared to try first. You are setting a future goal for a past miss. I don’t mean to lecture, I myself screwed this up a lot in the past. But – someone becomes special to you because they become special to you, not because they are so at the start.

      You are not middle aged. You may be just a year from your own unexpected death. Or you may have almost as many years ahead of you as you have already lived. But you have defined yourself narrowly; formulated, sprawling on a pin, you lay claim to being a J Alfred Prufrock. But that is not you, does not have to be you.

      You appear to have the power to be engulfed by dreams, visions, aspirations. That is a gift; many people walk sleeping thru life, driven by nothing. You are agonizing over where to head, how to progress, what your future may yet be. And then you waste that drive by missing the point.

      The point is – what will give your life meaning? It is a hard question but you could start by asking – where am I afraid? Where do I keep myself safe when I could become daring? What am I avoiding where I have to allow myself to be vulnerable? Your heartache over being alone is the other side of this coin. It is only by how much we allow ourselves to be vulnerable that we have the chance of gaining connection and ultimately love in return. It may take dozens of times where you take a risk for one payback, but what is the alternative? A life without risk is an accounting spreadsheet, a dry tally of what tasks you did in the day and how many hours you slept at night.

      I apologize for the mystic tone of this response, I’m frustrated because I can see that by facing a different direction your life could be amazing. Could yet be. Would be.

      Peter




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    2. Ashley
      February 6, 2016 at 1:36 am

      I feel the same way you do. Keep the faith. I’m sure our time will come when someone special will come into our lives. I’m middle aged too…whatever that means exactly. Stay hopeful!




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    3. Author (Justin R.) to Peter C
      February 6, 2016 at 4:59 pm

      I think you are right Peter. There have been at least a couple times where I felt a connection with someone but didn’t let myself take the risk of expressing it. It’s something I’m learning to not beat myself up over, though it’s a process. Also, I’ve been fearful of the possibility of having to alter my own dreams in order to suit another person; which isn’t fair to me or anyone else.

      To be honest, I need to start living right now instead of just planning to live after certain conditions have been met. Regardless of what I want to become, life is going to happen.

      Thank you for your words.




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